When I found out that my parents were getting a divorce my senior year of college, I was devastated. I was already preparing for the transition from college life to adulthood, so my parents’ relationship changing felt like a punch to the gut and an abrupt reminder that life was shifting in ways I never expected.

I was not sure how to navigate the news of my parents’ marriage ending, especially when that relationship had been consistent my whole life. I turned to my friends and college community to guide me. The tips below are some of what they shared with me and some of what I learned along the way. This is what I needed to hear after getting the news:

1. Give yourself time.

“I know you are hurting right now. I am here. And it will not always feel this way forever.” These are words that my close friend told me moments after getting the news of my parents’ divorce. This was so important for me to hear: to know that my emotions were valid and that I also would not have to feel this way forever, even if, in the moment, it felt like I would always carry this heaviness with me.

Time is helpful. It cannot do everything for us. We also have to process and feel our emotions. But I have found that the more time passes, the easier it is for me to talk and think about my parents’ relationship. Know that time will help things get easier and that it will not always feel this way. Eventually, you will heal, but if you have just found out this news, it is best to just focus on how you feel and process your emotions.

2. Let yourself feel your emotions.

If you have just heard the news of your parents’ divorce, there are probably many emotions welling up in you right now: sadness, grief, anger, maybe even betrayal. The range of your emotions will also be affected by the nature of the divorce, how much your parents have chosen to share with you, and your overall family dynamic. While many people experience grief and sadness, others may feel relief if their parents’ relationship involved ongoing conflict. Both sadness and relief are valid reactions.

Your emotions may feel overwhelming right now, but it is important to give yourself permission to feel them. One helpful way to process emotions is to name them out loud and then let yourself sit in silence for a bit. You can say, “I feel so sad that their relationship is changing,” and let yourself sit in that statement. In the silence, notice how your body feels and what comes up when you say this (tears, chest tightness, other emotions). This can feel scary or overwhelming for some people, so you can do this in your own time and in small amounts of time spread out over a few days or weeks.

It may also be helpful to process these emotions and thoughts with a therapist, spiritual counselor, or another trained professional. They can help guide you when emotions or experiences feel too overwhelming to hold on your own.

3. Find community to support you.

One of the biggest things that helped me get through my parents’ divorce was my community. This is a season of life where you can really lean on your friends for support. You may be tempted to stay home and self-isolate, but going to events and spending time with your friends will give you the space to think about something other than your parents’ divorce. It is important for you to make intentional time to have fun and practice self-care during this season. Go see that movie, take that walk, laugh with your friends. It will help.

4. Recognize both of your parents as people.

You do not need to “pick a side.” If a parent asks you to do this, they may be acting from a place of hurt, stress, or poor boundaries, but it is not your responsibility to manage those emotions. Through this experience, you will probably begin to view your parents more as human beings who make mistakes and not as all-knowing parental figures. This can be a rough but important and formational experience and is often referred to in psychology as parental de-idealization (Frank et al., 1990).

However, there is another psychological term that I would love to highlight: object constancy, sometimes referred to as whole-object relations. This concept refers to the ability to view people with both their flaws and strengths, without labeling them as fully good or fully bad (Greenberg, 2019). You have the choice and ability to do this with both your parents too! You do not have to view one or the other as fully good or fully bad, but just as people who are also figuring life out for the first time as well. This can be hard to do sometimes, but it will benefit you to begin to view your parents’ choices with empathy. While empathy does not excuse harmful behavior, it can help you understand that both of your parents are imperfect people navigating their own struggles and shortcomings.

This may also be a good time for you to set boundaries with your parents. Your parents may speak poorly about the other parent or share information that you do not need or want to hear. In these moments, you can say, “Mom/Dad, I do not need to know about that. It is not my place, and that is between you two.”

5. Bring it to God.

Marriage is a deep promise made before God. If you are wondering if you should really be feeling “this emotional” over your parents’ divorce, you are absolutely valid in feeling very upset. A bond of trust and a promise have been broken between your parents, and that is heartbreaking for you and for them. And God weeps with you and them in this. You can bring this grief to God and share it with Him. If you feel angry, disappointed, or confused with God right now, know that you can bring those feelings to Him too. Many of the Psalms model honest expressions of grief, frustration, and lament towards God.

When bringing your grief to God, it may look like engaging in what is called a “forgiveness prayer.” During this prayer, you can take 10 minutes to close your eyes and imagine Jesus standing in front of you. You can tell Him what has happened and how hurt you are, and ask for help processing the divorce and possibly also forgiving one or both parents. Forgiveness is often a process rather than a one-time decision, and it is okay if you are not ready to do this yet. You can also visualize bringing your parents to Jesus, handing them over to Him, and asking for Him to take care of them. You are allowed to grieve your parents’ relationship, and you do not have to carry this alone.

Divorce is a rough experience for a child to go through at any age. Allow yourself to feel, give yourself time, and cling to your community as you navigate a new dynamic within your family. If you would like to speak about this with someone in person (or through a virtual meeting), you can email us at cmr@biola.edu or click here to book a free relationship advice appointment through the CMR.

While your family may never look exactly the same, healing is possible, and this painful chapter does not have to define your future relationships or your story.

Sources

Frank, S. J., Pirsch, L. A., & Wright, V. C. (1990). Late adolescents’ perceptions of their relationships with their parents: Relationships among deidealization, autonomy, relatedness, and insecurity and implications for adolescent adjustment and ego identity status. Journal of Youth and Adolescence, 19(6), 571–588.
https://doi.org/10.1007/BF01537177

Greenberg, E. (2019, February 11). How do you develop whole object relations as an adult? Psychology Today.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/understanding-narcissism/201902/how-do-you-develop-whole-object-relations-as-an-adult