Ask the Expert: Leaving, Cleaving, and Letting Go?

Dear CMR:
 
Does leaving and cleaving include letting go of expectations we may have picked up from our family of origin? If so, how?​

Thank you for your question! This is a good one! Our families of origin (FOO) are so influential for us, both in grounding us and in creating who we are. When we grow up in our families, they shape our understanding of who we are, what we want, what we value, what we think, what we feel, what we wish for, and how we evaluate our world. We get our sense of what is right, wrong, and normal from our FOO. Our expectations naturally develop out of this shaping. Because we grow up in our FOO environment and initially don’t have as much outside influence, we think that our way of doing things and thinking about things is right and normal. We think everyone does things and thinks the way we do!

However, as we age and mature and have more contact with others outside of our FOO, we begin to realize that not everyone thinks the same way or does things the same way that we do. Others have a different way, and we naturally tend to think that their way is not right or as good as our way. We prefer and feel more comfortable with what we know and what we grew up with. Moreover, we think our way is better and more correct. Again, our expectations naturally develop out of this process.

It really helps to remember that it’s not about whose way is right or wrong, it’s about stylistic differences. Yes, there are absolutes in Scripture, but we are not talking about those. We are talking about the expectations that develop from our FOO. Drs. John and Julie Gottman, leading couples’ researchers, have said that for 69% of issues that couples fight over, there is no intrinsic right or wrong. There are just stylistic differences and preferences. For example, there are no set rules for how much time couples should spend with their extended families, yet couples fight over that. There are no set rules for dividing up the household chores, yet couples fight over that.

In such instances, couples are fighting over stylistic differences and expectations that they have brought into the marriage from their respective FOO. We need to remember that most of these expectations are about stylistic differences; they are not morally right or wrong. Because they are stylistic, we can hold them loosely and work to collaborate with our spouse to determine how we want to do things now in our family that we are creating with our spouse. We can lay out how my FOO did things, how your FOO did things, and now how do we want to do things together in our family. Again, we are not talking about when there are clear Scriptural mandates. In those, we always follow Scripture. We are talking about more of the everyday life that takes place.

Doing this process with our spouse is part of the leaving and cleaving that Scripture talks about. And when we do this with our spouse, we are building our relationship together. We will feel closer and more connected with one another. Conflicts won’t be as intense because we are working together as a team. And we can have great joy as we create our own family together, following the Lord together in creating our own ways of doing things!