“So have you asked him about his history with pornography?”

We were driving in the car and she was debriefing with me about the new guy she was dating when I asked.

She sat there frozen in silence, not really knowing how to answer as she was fresh off the heels of her last relationship ending because of porn addiction.

She answered, “Not really, I guess I don’t know how to ask.”

The truth is, no one really does.

This wasn’t exactly a life skill we were taught in school.

But given the current reality of porn use among single Christians being at an all-time high, it is a critical question to ask.

I would know. This is my story:

• Raised in a Christian home
• Exposed to porn at age 9
• Given an iPod Touch at 13 (unlimited access)
• Continued porn/masturbation use until age 22

Then, through God’s kindness, I was invited to participate in a Pure Desire group where I began to experience healing and freedom before dating.

But most singles (and people in general) haven’t been invited into a better conversation about the good gift of their sexuality. Let alone how to steward it, as the church, at large, has been silent in this arena.

In this silence, practicing Christians are struggling with porn use.

Practicing Christian: attending church weekly.Porn: any picture, video, or words intended for the purpose of sexual arousal.

Here are the statistics of Gen Z and Millennials who are struggling at least occasionally from the recent report Pure Desire published with Barna titled Beyond The Porn Phenomenon.*

• Gen Z (ages 18-27)
  • Male = 77%
  • Female = 64%
• Millennial (ages 28-37)
  • Male = 88%
  • Female = 62%

As a Christian single who has found health after a porn addiction, I’d love to give you what I think is the kindest approach to having this conversation with someone you’re dating through the lenses of:

Courage

Curiosity

Compassion

I’d like to start by clarifying that porn use is not just a male problem.

Women are struggling too. Leaving them full of shame because they struggle with a “man’s problem” and fearing that it disqualifies them from being in a relationship.

Yet, with male use being more prevalent there are thousands of single women who face a similar, challenging dilemma.

• Desiring a healthy relationship (and one day, marriage)
• Waiting for the right Christian man
• Yet, feeling unpursued by men in the church
• And, fearing the men that pursue them need support/resources to heal from porn use!

But for the sake of brevity and my specific gendered experience, I’ve decided to focus on the first three. So, if you are a woman who discovers her boyfriend is using porn, you may find yourself having to navigate the pornographic double-bind:

• Leave the man you’re dating because of his porn use.
• Stay because the likelihood of the next man struggling is just as high.

So how do we navigate and engage this conversation well as we’re dating?

First, with courage.

Give them the gift of going second, by leading with vulnerability. Our vulnerability might be the greatest gift we can give others who have earned it.

Brene Brown says,

"Vulnerability is not winning or losing;

it’s having the courage to show up

and be seen when we have no control over the outcome.

Vulnerability is not weakness;

It’s our greatest measure of courage."

I wouldn’t suggest this conversation on the first date, but I do think you should have it anywhere from date 3-5 before things get more exclusive.

Waiting too long (months in) could perpetuate the sunk-cost fallacy that you’ve already spent too much time/energy to then leave.

My advice would be to give them a heads up the day of the date, saying you’d like to invite them to talk about sexual history. This will help to eliminate a “gotcha” moment and will allow them to think about it, find courage, and show up more honestly.

“Gotcha” moments will only increase their likelihood of lying. Advanced notice will give them an out if they don’t want to continue dating. If so, remind yourself that they’re leaving because they don’t want to have honest conversations, which is not a bad thing. Do not believe the lie of abandonment. You deserve a relationship that pursues health and vulnerability!

If they accept the invite to talk, be sure you’re in a more private, safe environment to have this challenging conversation (a quiet house, a car, etc.).

You could start the conversation by following a framework like this:

“Hey, I really value honesty in relationships. I know that talking about our sexual history is not always easy, but with the prevalence of pornography use I would really like to share my story and hear yours.

Stats show that most kids are exposed to porn by 13 and I wanted to go first in vulnerability by sharing that I was exposed to porn at…

The experience was… (share what the experience felt like for you: confusion, curiosity, disgust, etc.).

Since my first exposure, I’ve… (share if porn use became a pattern for you or not).”

Deep breath, well done. Now that you’ve gone first you can lean into asking questions from a heart posture that is curious and compassionate.

Here again, it takes vulnerability to be curious and surrender to the uncertainty of the answer ahead. And it takes compassion to hold the face of another with kindness that seeks to understand, rather than condemn.

Judgement asks the condemning question, “What’s wrong with you?”

Whereas the heart of compassion asks the kinder, more curious question: “What happened to you? What makes this make sense?”

So with compassion and curiosity you can now ask, When were you exposed to porn? What was that experience like for you?

(Their response)

Thanks for sharing that. I’m sure that was confusing for you. Did that moment of exposure lead to you using porn as a self-soothing, coping behavior? If so, how have you tried to stop? What’s your current relationship with porn use (daily, weekly, monthly, etc.)?

(Their response)

(If still using) Thanks for your courage to share that, I’m sure it’s been a really hard road to walk. What do you see as next steps forward to pursue health? Have you thought about joining a Pure Desire group or pursuing counseling?

(If no longer using) That’s incredible, praise God. What rhythms do you currently have in place to continue in weekly emotional awareness, truth telling, and confession?

(If they’ve never used) That’s incredible, praise God. I’m so glad that never became a destructive pattern for you! If it ever did become an issue, I would want to know, so we can make a plan to keep our relationship (and us) as healthy as possible. I know first hand the weight of holding a secret and the destruction that follows.

In summary, the hope is that your curious and compassionate questions leave you knowing:

1. When they were exposed.
2. Their current relationship with porn use.
3. What healthy next steps have been or should be taken.

So you’ve had the conversation, now what?

Here are five potential responses and how to assess their sexual health and dateability:

Response 1: Honest, is using porn and doesn’t think it’s a problem.

Response 2: Struggles to be honest, seems hidden and minimizes or justifies “past” use.

Response 3: Brutally honest, shares about current use, recognizes it’s a problem, but hasn’t taken steps toward health.

Response 4: Brutally honest, shares about past use, and has taken steps toward health.

Response 5: Understands it’s a problem and has never struggled.

In my mind, responses 3-5 are datable.

Perfection is not the goal—honesty, humility and health are! Healing is a direction, not a destination (unless you’re talking about glorification one day)!

But if they give response 3 and are still using porn on a consistent basis, it’s time to encourage them to pursue healing in a group or counseling setting and personally consider taking a step back from the relationship.

Why?

Because porn use is not just a moral problem, it’s a brain problem that can take 2-5 years to change—thank God for neuroplasticity!

Practically, here are some red flags to be aware of another’s potential porn addiction:

• Hesitation to allow you to use/see their phone.
• Consistent use of social media to numb or check out.
• A sexualized social media algorithm.
• Lack of emotional awareness.
• An insistence to push physical boundaries.
• An inability to tell a cohesive narrative of their story.
• The way they view the opposite sex in public.
• Sexualized jokes and comments that seem edgy.

This list could go on and on, but I hope some of these are helpful to gauge where the person you’re dating might be.

My prayer is that this is a helpful framework to start a challenging but needed conversation!

Over the last three years of working here at Pure Desire, my heart has been broken in hearing countless stories of marriages shattered by discovery or disclosure.

What if we could get radically honest as singles and pursue health before marriage?

Whether you yourself are struggling or you’re in a relationship with someone who is, there is hope—and wherever you are on the journey of healing know this…

• You are not alone and
• you are worthy of love and getting help!

Marriage and sex will not heal you. At its core, this is not a sex problem—this is an emotional regulation problem.

Unfortunately, we have all been wounded in relationship, and fortunately it is in relationship that we can find healing! We were designed to be comforted, soothed, and securely attached in right relationship with God and others.

He has and He is healing me, and He can do it for you too—healing is possible!

And you or the person you’re dating can start a healing journey today by joining others in a group at: puredesire.org/join-a-group.

After that moment in the car with my friend, she did ask him—and he was brutally honest about past porn use, how he pursued helpful resources, and had continued in sharing honestly with a group of men to pursue healing.

Last August, I sat in the crowd shadowed by the foothills of the Rockies as they got married.

It was beautiful.

Don’t give up.

Don’t lose hope.

There are honest, humble, and healthy people out there!