How to Affair-Proof Your Marriage (and it's not what you think)

Dear CMR,

It seems like ever since my husband and I had kids, they’ve become the focus of everything we do. We’ve lost “us.” How do we steer clear of focusing on them so much while still being good parents?

I love this question because it’s such a common concern at our marriage conferences. I think anyone who has kids understands your situation!

First, we need to avoid two extremes: One is when parents focus so much on their marriage that they neglect their kids. The other—and the much more common extreme—is when parents focus so much on their kids that they neglect their marriage. We call this second situation The Family Affair.

We’ve all heard about “how to affair-proof your marriage.” Typically, the advice focuses on avoiding marital affairs by keeping our guard up and setting strong boundaries to prevent the threat of “the other woman” or “the other man.” But what if the threat comes from someone much closer to you? Someone you both already know, love, and have in your home every day?

I’m not talking about the nanny or the pool boy—I’m talking about our children. All too often, we’re on high alert for external threats, whether from a coworker, a fellow soccer parent, or even someone at church. We’ve been taught to build a “hedge of protection” by avoiding texting, casual chatting, or working late with someone of the opposite sex. But what if the real issue isn’t the cutie at work but rather the cutie in the little bedroom down the hall? Or more accurately, our view of the cutie down the hall.

My husband and I have raised three children—I get it. As loving, engaged parents, it’s tempting to put our children’s needs ahead of our spouse’s because we assume they’re adults and can take care of themselves, while our children need us. As a result, our spouse ends up getting our emotional and physical leftovers—if anything at all. We do this because we’ve bought into the lie that “this is what good parents do.” We tell ourselves, We put our children first so they can grow up to be thriving, successful adults. And many of us wear this mindset like a badge of honor.

That is what we call The Family Affair, and it’s wreaking havoc on marriages and families more than ever.

Interestingly, research shows that what children need most to thrive and succeed in life is not to be the center of the family, or to be involved in another dance class, travel ball league, or a packed schedule of extracurricular activities. What children need most is a stable, loving home with two parents who love each other and stay together. This kind of home provides them with a sense of security and stability that helps them thrive now and throughout their lives!

So, here are some practical tips to help you make your spouse your #1 human priority and either reconnect or stay emotionally connected with your spouse while raising kids.

1. Remember: You made a covenantal vow to your spouse, not your children.

Approach parenting with the perspective that your children are like welcomed guests—they come into your lives for a while and then they leave, leaving just you and your spouse. Make sure both your spouse and your children know that your spouse is your #1 priority by behaving like they’re important!

• Greet your spouse FIRST when you return home—before the kids and the dog. Then, engage with the kids.
• Set aside regular “mom and dad time” both outside and inside the house.
• Protect weekly date nights like they are sacred. Never schedule anything optional during that time.
• Have nightly coffee time to debrief the day and share some alone time, with kids in their rooms for quiet time, reading, or a movie. (A friend of ours actually tells his kids, “This is Mommy and Daddy’s time. Don’t come downstairs unless you see Jesus.”)
• Brag about your spouse publicly and in front of your kids, where your spouse can hear you!
• Show affection in front of your kids. Hold hands. Kiss hello and goodbye. They’ll say, “Ewww!” and pretend they hate it—but they secretly love it.
• Leave love notes for each other. (Our teenage daughter once found one of our notes on the bathroom mirror and posted it on her social media with the caption, “#goals.” I love that!)
• Engage your kids in acts of service for your spouse. “Mom loves iced tea. Let’s make her a glass and take it to her!”

2. Build more margin into your family life by simplifying your schedules.

Create space in your life to be alone together.

• Limit kids to one extracurricular activity per semester instead of two or three.
• For a season, say no to extra volunteer responsibilities so you can strengthen your marriage—even if it’s ministry. Too many people mistake their relationship with God for what they do for God. But your first discipleship priority is your spouse and children.
• Consider this: What will happen to your testimony and credibility in ministry if your marriage is falling apart?

3. Establish rituals of connection with your spouse.

Dr. John Gottman, a leading marital expert, calls these “small acts of ordinary thoughtfulness.” Here are some simple but impactful examples:

• Acknowledge each other when you walk into a room with a quick touch, smile, or wink (bids for connection).
• Make it a point to hug and kiss for at least six seconds every time you:
  1. Leave for the day,
  2. Immediately return home, and
  3. Go to bed.
• Offer to grab the other person a snack or drink when you’re heading to the kitchen.
• Pray for your spouse and your marriage regularly. It really does make a difference.
• Tell each other often:
  • “I would marry you all over again.”
  • “You’re my favorite—I’d rather hang out with you than anyone else.”
  • “I’m so glad I married you.”
  • One thing my husband has started saying to me lately is, “I chose you!” And I always hug him and reply, “I’m so glad you did!”

Remember, the goal is to find a healthy balance where your children receive an appropriate amount of time, love, and attention, AND so does your spouse. When we do this, we not only avoid The Family Affair, but we also strengthen and deepen our marriage bond—and our children feel even more secure knowing that their mom and dad truly love each other and will stay together.

In the end, everyone in the family thrives.