How Can a Girl Be Confident While Dating? Qualities of A Confident Christian Woman

Dear CMR:

How can a girl be confident in a relationship while dating? There is no assurance it will lead to a future, yet guys want girls to be confident. Is there a way to help build your own confidence?

Unsure

Dear Unsure,

I think you may be confusing confidence in how a relationship will turn out with the self-confidence that most guys (and girls for that matter) find attractive.

If you are asking how to be confident that the relationship will lead to something bigger and better – well, you can’t. Dating is always risky. No one can predict the future and to expect to do so would be unrealistic.

However, if you’re asking how to build your own self-confidence, I can definitely help with that.

The kind of confidence most men find attractive in a woman has more to with how she feels about herself and her place in the world. 

So the question is: What are the qualities of a confident, Christian woman?

1. First and foremost, a confident woman understands and embraces her foundational identity as a Christ-follower. She truly believes her value doesn’t come from her beauty, her abilities, her degree, her professional accomplishments or anything else external. Instead, her holy confidence rests on her value as a daughter of The King and their mutual delight in each other.
2. A confident woman cultivates emotional security. As much as men like to be the hero and want to be needed, getting stuck in a relationship with someone who constantly needs rescuing or is easily hurt or offended is draining. It’s ok to need help now and then, but that is very different from being constantly needy.
3. A confident woman is not jealous of his time or his friendships. Either he’s trustworthy or he’s not. If he’s not, then move on to someone who is, and stop wasting your time worrying about who he’s with or what he’s doing. If he is trustworthy, then act like it! Relax and let him have the freedom and trust to pursue other interests and friendships outside of your dating relationship.
4. A confident woman maintains her own relationships while dating. As much as you may love spending every waking moment with him, you’ll be less isolated and radiate balance if you don’t. Continue to invest in the important relationships with your family and friends, not just in your dating relationship.
5. A confident woman lives life to the fullest today and doesn’t wait around for life to start once she finds a dating partner. Cultivate purpose and meaning in your own life as a single, individual person. Embark now on the journey of discovering your personal God-calling apart from whomever you may or may not be dating. (If you don’t have it when you’re alone as a single, you’ll never have it when you’re dating either.)
6. A confident woman smiles! One of the easiest ways for a woman to come across as confident is to show, consciously or unconsciously, that she is happy and has a positive outlook on life. I have a friend that always says, “It’s not the clothes on her back, but the smile on her face that makes a woman beautiful.”
7. A confident woman takes care of her physical appearance (yes, I went there). While this is a more shallow indication of what’s going on inside a woman, it is a “tell” nonetheless. Taking care of your physical appearance is about staying healthy and presenting the best "you" there is, not what's the most trendy or popular look. And while you don’t have to be the most fashionable person in the world, you also don’t have to shlub around in pajama pants and greasy hair every day either. Eat well, exercise and put on something cute before you head out for the day. Showing you care about your appearance shows that you care about yourself, which is an important quality to have. (Plus, when you’re put together, you feel more confident, and that definitely oozes out – in a good way.)
8. A confident woman cultivates her inner self. While external attractiveness definitely can grab someone’s attention initially, a man worth keeping knows that her internal qualities are more important than the external ones in a lasting relationship. She creates self-confidence by cultivating her mind, her passions, her mission, her interests, her hobbies, etc. It also makes her a much more interesting person to get to know.
9. A confident woman has learned to be interested rather than interesting. Insecure people spend more time talking about themselves than focusing on the other person. Have you ever talked with someone who makes you feel like you’re the only person in the room? It’s so refreshing! So while she’s definitely comfortable sharing about herself, she also knows how to show curiosity about what makes other people tick. This is the kind of woman other people love to spend time with.

If you pursue these nine qualities, over time you’ll grow to become the confident, purposeful, remarkable woman of God He has designed you to be – with or without a man beside you. And perhaps that is what will make you the most fascinating woman of all.

“A good woman is hard to find, and worth far more than diamonds."

Proverbs 31:1