Love Languages: How to Show Love to Every Person in Your Life This Valentine’s Day

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In this episode, Chris and Alisa Grace explore the concept of love languages and how understanding them can transform your relationships. They discuss the five love languages—quality time, words of affirmation, gift-giving, acts of service, and physical touch—popularized by Dr. Gary Chapman. They provide practical insights on how to identify and speak your own love language and those of your loved ones to foster deeper connections.

Whether you're navigating relationships with your spouse, dating partner, family members, friends, or even coworkers, this episode offers valuable advice on how to communicate love effectively and build stronger bonds.

Resources Mentioned:

• The 5 Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman – A foundational book on how to express and receive love in a way that is meaningful to your relationships.
• Five Love Languages Online Quiz – Discover your love language and learn how to better connect with those around you.
• Previous Podcast Episode with Dr. Gary Chapman – Listen to Chris and Alisa’s conversation with the author of The 5 Love Languages for more insights.

Connect with Us:

Website: cmr.biola.edu
Facebook: facebook.com/biolacmr
Instagram: instagram.com/biolacmr
YouTube: youtube.com/@biola-cmr

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About the Hosts:

Dr. Chris Grace and Alisa Grace are passionate about helping people build and sustain healthy relationships. As leaders of the Biola University Center for Marriage and Relationships, they combine the wisdom of Scripture with scholarly research to offer practical advice and insights. Learn more about their work at cmr.biola.edu.

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Mandy [00:00:00] Welcome to the Art of Relationships. This podcast is produced by the Biola University Center for Marriage and Relationships. Let's get right into it. 

 

Chris [00:00:11] Okay, Well, hey, welcome to another Art to Relationships podcast. I'm Chris. This is my significant best other Alisa. 

 

Alisa [00:00:19] Hello. Good to see you. Good to be. 

 

Chris [00:00:21] Here. Alisa, We get a chance every week or so to bring another podcast, and it's about all things relationships, which is so cool because we get to talk from, you know, the perspective of being married, but we are also single and dating and we are in relationship that we have also brought with us the relationships with our parents and with our children. 

 

Alisa [00:00:49] Yeah, and we also come at it from the perspectives of where the directors of the Center for Marriage and Relationships basically university. Chris, you're a Ph.D. in psychology, and we've been working in this area for over 35 years. And I would have to say that in our relationship, this topic that we're talking about today was absolutely key to making a difference in the level of happiness, satisfaction and connection in our relationship. 

 

Chris [00:01:25] It was so important that we actually we're going to talk today about something called well, most people know it as the five love languages. And the person you know, who popularized this, of course, is a guy named Gary Chapman. We brought Gary onto a podcast. In fact, go check it out. There's a podcast with Gary Chapman that we did on this art relationships. And we also had a conference with him at one point and that we sponsor here in Southern California. It was awesome. Well, Gary, you'll be the first to admit and that we've been talking about love languages. We didn't use that term. We didn't narrow it down to five for a very long time. But what Gary did is he brought together in a really understandable way the ways that people like to receive and even give love to each other. Right. And so he came up with this incredible, you know, book, you know, the five love languages, which you can check out at any time. We'll have it in the link. But Alisa, we're thinking about even let's talk about dating couples, for example, couples that are well, you been talking about now February is, you know, here. And so we're looking at things like Valentine's Day. 

 

Alisa [00:02:43] Valentine's. Yeah. Have you planned those? 

 

Chris [00:02:45] Yeah. I planned it weeks in advance. Months in advance. Good. 

 

Alisa [00:02:50] Usually for you. 

 

Chris [00:02:52] Yeah. 

 

Alisa [00:02:52] I'm so excited. 

 

Chris [00:02:54] Yeah, me too. I can hardly wait to see what I come up with. It's just going to be amazing. So when let's. Let's. Let's use the kind of starting point of couples, people that are maybe dating or friends and they're thinking about Valentine's, for example. Lisa There's something that happens when we we learn to appreciate and understand not just our own love language, what makes us feel good, but but the other person's. 

 

Alisa [00:03:25] Well, it's really interesting because Gary Chapman talks about in his book is that he likens it to speaking another language. So let's say that you spoke Spanish predominantly. I speak English. Unless we learn to speak each other's languages, then I can give you all the props are the affirmation, all express my love to you. But unless I can express that in a way that you can understand it and receive it. Then it doesn't really do that much good. It can kind of fall flat. And so we're it's incumbent upon each person in that relationship, whether, as you said, you're married or dating, it could be a parent to a child, could even be coworkers in a sense of really relating to the other person in a way that they hear that language, they interpret it and can receive it. 

 

Chris [00:04:22] That's great. So we call this in the field of psychology is something a piece of this field called emotional intelligence. Right. And emotional intelligence is simply the recognition and the being attuned with another person. Right. It's understanding the deeper maybe things going on in a person that we're relating to, including ourselves. Right. Some of the deeper things that I might, you know, respond to in a way that sometimes seems really weird, like, why am I not that happy during, let's say, a Christmas time? Because what's going on with me, it feels like, did I get am I ungrateful? Did I get the wrong gift? Am I not feeling appreciated? 

 

Alisa [00:05:07] And things like, Yeah, I don't know. Well, you will remember this that early on in our marriage, we probably been married, I'm going to say about six years, maybe five, six years. And I planned a surprise birthday party for you. I'll never because I'm thinking I will love a surprise birthday party. So that's what I'm going to plan for you. So I invited the people. I got all the decorations, we got the tables and chairs, and I have them all hidden. And I'm trying to get you out the door with a friend so that I can get the party set up. And it was successful, which somehow we. We got the party. We surprised you. We had all those people there all evening. And after it was over, I remember feeling so proud of myself and just so happy that it's like, my gosh, you didn't forget. You always figure out surprises that you didn't figure out this one. And I was so excited. I remember coming up to you and just after it was over and just say, Wow. So what do you think? Did did you like your party fully expecting that you were just going to gush and say, what a wonderful time you had? What a wonderful, thoughtful wife I was? But that wasn't what you said. 

 

Chris [00:06:24] And she said, if you ever do that again. 

 

Alisa [00:06:26] Then she'll. 

 

Chris [00:06:27] You know, you know, I don't remember how I said it exactly, but I just remember that next. 

 

Alisa [00:06:35] You weren't thrilled. 

 

Chris [00:06:36] It was really her. Yeah. And. And it wasn't. Yeah. I think what we learned during that was a I use, I figure things out so I wasn't as smart as I thought. In fact, I was so lost that I actually volunteered to help you go to our work that the university picked up some chairs that were there. 

 

Alisa [00:07:00] He got me loading them into the back of the car and he's like, What are you doing? And I had to make up a certain story about why I'm loading up a bunch. 

 

Chris [00:07:09] So I go low and I find one thing I'm another and B, you're a great liar. You were able to, like, say thing. And I'm like, okay. Yeah. I need these chairs. Okay. I need the long cup for the. Okay. Sure. And a clue was but, but to the point was you love celebrations and you love surprises. 

 

Alisa [00:07:34] I love being the center of attention. And so I planned to a party that I would love instead of really thinking about what does Chris love? What would be fun for him? And it's exactly the opposite for you. I've come to learn over the years, you're your favorite way of celebrating a party, your birthday. A special occasion is to quietly be at home with just our family, maybe our closest friends, but predominantly our family and just being together. Yup. You don't want to be the center of attention necessarily. In fact, you loathe being the center of attention, which is really odd given that you're a university professor. You speak for a living in front of thousands of people, really personable, amiable, warm, fun, engaging, but you hate being the center of attention. 

 

Chris [00:08:28] So yeah. 

 

Alisa [00:08:29] So that wasn't a fun birthday for you. So all of that effort and time and energy that I put into planning a party I thought you would love if I, I'd really known your love language, which is quality time, just being with our family, then I could have actually planned a birthday and spent that time and energy in a in a way that you would have truly loved it. Enjoyed it. I wouldn't have I wouldn't have felt like, wow, you know, don't you appreciate me? Don't you appreciate the effort that I put into it, which you you probably really did appreciate the A-plus for effort, but I really missed the mark because I wasn't to paying attention to your love. 

 

Chris [00:09:15] Yeah. So let's talk about that. Yeah. Yeah. My birthday's in the summer, so that kind of thing would be. Just relax, be away. You know, like you said, family and probably watching, you know, a baseball game or going to a baseball game. Right. That would be like, okay, let's go to the Dodgers and play and ah, watch play would be awesome too. But let's go watch then. So we learned a lesson that day and it was a great lesson. We learned. A not just what that gives me. LA but also what you love. And so from that point on I remember thinking, kids surprises, parties, making you the center of attention is good. Even though I would have been planning parties for you, that would just you and I go, Get away to a restaurant. 

 

Alisa [00:10:00] And even though they're different from each other, doesn't mean the other person's wrong. It's just different and different is okay. 

 

Chris [00:10:07] So where do they come from? Let's talk about that. The basic bottom line is this We each experience receive and want to give that kind of what, you know, Gary calls these love languages. We each come into the world differently. All of our backgrounds, our cultures, our personalities. And one of the best things you can do in a relationship, it sounds like this is to learn early on both your own and the person you're with. It could be a mom and dad. It could be a brother sister. It could be a niece nephew. But the key is going to be to figure out. All right. So so here's here's a couple of ways and a couple of things. First of all, let's give you the five love languages. What do you think? And so we already brought up one quality time would be one that I would really that I love. So if someone were to say, hey, man, if you were to say, Chris, we're going to go on a date and it's just going to be you and I, it's a little hike up in the mountains. We get to walk and talk and I'd be like, that's awesome, right? That's just our quality time and quality time is that sense of what? What else is added to it? It just says, I just want to spend. I don't want to be talking about life or things like work or things like study, but just life. Just things that are important. 

 

Alisa [00:11:27] Just being together is what feeds your soul. 

 

Chris [00:11:30] And so that's that would be one some of you might find yourself with that quality time. What's another one? 

 

Alisa [00:11:34] Yeah, another one would be words of affirmation, right? And so and here's the thing. You can have more than one. And so I even think for you, words of affirmation is another one that is important to you. And I notice that because when there are times that you show me something that you've done, you draw my attention. You say, Hey, Liz, come here. Check out what I did and I'll see it in my first. My first tendency is go, that's so cool. Look, you could even add this and make this cool and improve it this way to me, that really I can. And if when I do that, I just see you kind of deflate and your face falls a little bit. And what has been very helpful to me is very kindly. You've told me, gosh, least in a way, I think I just needed to hear you say, well, Christie did a good job. Wow. That was really cool the way you did that. That was really smart, really wise, very creative. And you needed that. You just were looking for that acknowledgment and affirmation. So through that, I've learned that yours is also words of affirmation, appreciation, affection. 

 

Chris [00:12:44] Yeah. And a lot of us probably have all of these kind of in general. 

 

Alisa [00:12:48] To a degree. 

 

Chris [00:12:48] To a degree. There just some are a little bit more important, I think, to let's say let's stick with the words of affirmation that, you know, just being able to say something like, you did like, great job or way to go. 

 

Alisa [00:13:00] Or thank you. 

 

Chris [00:13:01] Or. 

 

Alisa [00:13:01] I appreciate. I notice that you did, you know, something above and beyond or even something that's just ordinary. And I know. 

 

Chris [00:13:09] They are words of affirmation that, yeah, I really loved your comment. You know what you said, You know, for people that have, you know, let's say words of affirmation, I too think that there's ways in which that is important to understand because these can also kind of have a flip side to them, right? Where, you know, a person wants words of affirmation so much, there's they could become needy in some way. So we have to watch those little things as well. So I have to be careful that even if you give me advice on something that I would like to check this out, there's also a way in which I can understand my own heart and perspective better. I go, Wait them out. Yeah, hold on. She was giving me words of affirmation. That's good. And this is good advice. You know, and how to do this. So, all right. So we have quality. 

 

Alisa [00:13:59] So there's a balance. 

 

Chris [00:14:00] And then it's always is if you're if you're on a, let's say, thinking about Valentine's Day, then just to start with these two, you know, it might be it might change the way you want to celebrate Valentine's with this person. Right? We'll go out, we'll get a bunch of balloons, we get a bunch of chocolates, and we'll go make a big scene in a restaurant, you know, and be like, please, no. But if we instead, you might go, you know what? I think my date. I think my partner, I think this person I'm with, they might appreciate just us being alone together. Maybe. Let's go to a place where there's a lot of other people celebrating. Right. And that's how important it is to understand that. 

 

Alisa [00:14:38] Or even. Well, let's let's continue on with what the gifts are. 

 

Chris [00:14:42] Okay. 

 

Alisa [00:14:43] And so a third one would might be gift giving. Okay. And so gift giving. And it's not just the gift that you give for those people, that it's their love language, but it's also the meaning attached to it. Maybe sense some sentimentality to it. Or maybe it's not just the gift, although it could be, but it's the fact that you know me so well. You knew exactly what I would appreciate what I like. So like, I had a friend that I had these two friends at Christmas that we do a lot. They're my Disneyland girl days. We all three have our Disneyland passes and we go throughout the year. And so we have so much fun together. And one of the things we do is we we exchange gifts at Christmas. And when they gave me my gifts, first of all, I love Kathy and I love Bath and Body Works and a specific scent at Bath and Body Works. 

 

Chris [00:15:47] And they. 

 

Alisa [00:15:47] Name guess what I got right? I got a cool coffee tumbler from Disneyland. And then I got this specific fragrance that I love and Bath and Body works. They get like the whole kit and caboodle with the the bath gel, the lotion, the body butter, you know, the whole everything. And so and I just felt so known. And they paid attention and they made the effort. Hello. Yeah, we have a motion sensor in our studio. And so they made the effort to to really pay attention and that meant a lot. 

 

Chris [00:16:23] Yeah, that does the lights just turned on for me about that when it comes to you in recognizing as you're speaking I went wait a minute, what are you talking about now I think what ends up happening with someone with that, let's say love language is is gift giving. It's also in giving gifts the gift they feel, you know, this pleasure and joy in being able to do that as well as the receiving. And that's what these gifts are about. Right. Or these love languages are about. It's about the both the giving side and the receiving side. And so that one makes a lot of sense, you know, gift giving and and even just simple things can can make a person, you know, like, thank you for this small token, which means you're thinking about. 

 

Alisa [00:17:06] What you were thinking about. Yeah, yeah, yeah. 

 

Chris [00:17:13] Well, you know, when it comes to money and marriage, we all want clarity and confidence. Right? And especially unity with spouses. Right. I think, Lisa, that's why we get to work personally with Colby Gilmore of of Blue. Trust. 

 

Alisa [00:17:27] That's right. Colby Gilmore, along with other Blue Trusts certified wealth strategist, offers personalized, biblically centered financial planning and investment management services, no matter what your income level is. 

 

Chris [00:17:41] Lisa See that title twice. Blue Trust Certified. Well strategist that's a tough I'm. 

 

Alisa [00:17:46] Not sure I could. 

 

Chris [00:17:47] I know. So they put they do put clients best interests first and they don't sell financial products. I love that about them. 

 

Alisa [00:17:53] Me too. And you know what? We highly recommend Colby Gilmore and Blue Trust. For anyone looking for both financial unity with your spouse and opportunities to increase your wealth and your generosity. 

 

Chris [00:18:06] So if you guys want to check out Ron blue.com or reach out to Colby Gilmore at Colby Dot Gilmore at Ron blue.com that's Colby Dot Gilmore at Ron blue.com. I think you guys will be glad you did. So another love language. Lisa's. This idea of acts of service. 

 

Alisa [00:18:31] Ooh, that's your favorite one? 

 

Chris [00:18:33] Yeah, it's probably my least favorite one. You know, acts of service are awesome because we had a friend we were just recently talking about about this, and. And they said their their relationship in their marriage really started to thrive when they figured out that he was doing acts of service all the time, whether it was fixing, cleaning, working. Doing. Thinking, my gosh, she's going to love that. I, you know, retail the bathroom. She's going to love that. I, you know, got this set up in the back. 

 

Alisa [00:19:07] I changed her oil in her car. 

 

Chris [00:19:09] And the whole time she appreciated it. But her love language was really different than that, wasn't it? 

 

Alisa [00:19:18] Yeah. And so it didn't really accomplish what he had intended for it to. Yeah. And he was feeling a little unappreciated because she didn't receive it in the way he intended. Yeah, but if he had, if he had understand, understood this concept of five languages, he could have tweaked what The way he was speaking love and did done it in her language. And it would have just been love in spades to her. 

 

Chris [00:19:46] Yeah. And hers, you know, hers was quality time and touch. And I think if I remember, which is our fifth one coming up, you know, acts of service makes sense, right? Someone does something for somebody else because they just have this servant heart and they want to serve and do things. And the person who loves to receive that is like, my gosh, it just ministers to me. How helpful, how joyful that makes me feel. You've taken a chaotic world and buy this service made it better. Yeah. You know, and then the fifth would, you know, as we just mentioned, go ahead and talk about. 

 

Alisa [00:20:21] That one is like the gift of touch. Yeah. So that could look as simple as like, reaching over, holding hands. Right. Giving a little back rub. When you're walking through the room, you reach over and you just put your hand on the small of her back. Or if it's your kids, you wake them up in the morning with a big hug as they come, stumbling into the kitchen with sleep in their eyes, getting ready for school. You just sit down. What if whatever you're doing and you go over and you put your arms around them, give them a hug, maybe tickling their back at night in bed? 

 

Chris [00:20:56] Yeah. In their relationships. If if you're still single, it would be, you know, going on dates. But it could be just simple as holding hands, you know, arm around a shoulder sitting there. Right. It could be those kinds of things. And I think, Lisa, people recognize that each of us have this and have some other love languages. Right. But but if we understand them, the point is that we can do better with things like empathy and emotional intelligence by just simply recognizing not just the way we feel love and the other person, but then being able to communicate that and tell the other person and going, I maybe need to figure out mine and why this is so good for me before it becomes this point of contention. 

 

Alisa [00:21:42] Yeah, I think one of the most powerful outcomes of really understanding this concept and then practicing it with intentionality is that we have what we call in a relationship a love bank, right? It's just like a bank that you use with your finances. You build up your savings account, you constantly make deposits into your bank account so that when you have an emergency, your car breaks down, the furnace breaks, you have, you know, your kid needs a prom dress or whatever it is. You go and make a withdrawal that you've put so many deposits into that bank account, it doesn't bankrupt it. Right. And so the policy or the thought behind that is exactly the same for your relationship, that you make so many deposits into your left bank by speaking the other person's love language. Every time you do that in significant ways or in just common, ordinary ways, it's like making a little deposit into your relational love bank so that when you have conflict, when you hit times of crisis in times of difficulty, those are the things, those arguments, those disagreements, those make withdrawals from your left bank. Yeah. And if you haven't been intentionally and repeatedly, regularly been investing in that bank, then that's going to that. When those hard times come, it bankrupts your relationship. Yeah. And so you want to be depositing in there regular, multiple, multiple times a day. And then that way when you have those withdrawals, you're not bankrupting. You weather it a lot better and consistently over the distance of time. 

 

Chris [00:23:32] Yeah, that's a great word and broad picture analogy. And you know, we can think guys like John Gottman for that. You know who talks about love Banks a lot and great picture. You know, we can at least take that analogy and go, you know, how am I doing in this and how are we doing? In fact, you can even look at a number of a ratio. You know, John Gottman is another one pulled out this ratio of 5 to 1 of these positive interactions, positive deposits to every one. Withdrawal, in some ways is similar to that idea. Right, if we have five positive interactions. So one way to gauge the strength and health of your relationship are do you have more positive than negative interactions? Use your love bank feeling of right And yeah. 

 

Alisa [00:24:21] And so one thing that's really important to do is to figure out your own love language as well as your partners or your kids, or you start figuring this out pretty quickly once you get a hold of the concept. But there's actually quizzes and assessment tools online at fives Love languages.com that you just go on there. 

 

Chris [00:24:42] Five and then love languages.com. 

 

Alisa [00:24:45] And you can go on there and take the quiz and you find out your love language. It's really fun. Maybe that would be a great Valentine's Day activity. Is that before you go on your Valentine's Day date, you both take the assessment and then over dinner or during your time together, you you talk about you share what your love language is and give the other person some ideas of what that looks like or would sound like for you. So I might say so. Chris, tell me your life language and then give me give me several really practical ways that I could love you in that way. What would that look like? What would it sound like? 

 

Chris [00:25:26] Now, that's great. That's a great practical way to do this. You know, for Valentine's. You even do this before. See if you can figure out what not only yours is, but your partner friend date are safe and see if you're right. I think that's a great way to challenge ourselves to go. Am I really paying attention to the emotional life of the other person? And am I am I good at that? And see if you can guess what it'll be And then it'll be a great conversation. My gosh, I thought you loved this. And now I'm learning. Yeah, you do. But you really value this. And that would be a great little date to do that. And again, it's just going to five love languages.com and. 

 

Alisa [00:26:08] And even your kids can take it to yeah and if they're young you can help them with it in the end tailored to that but that would be really important information for your own kids to know about themselves. Yeah. And then to know about each other. And that would be a really fun intentional thing in your family to be building up connections and relationship with your family, to say, Hey, you know, like our grandkids, they are five, almost three and one. But let's take the five year old Brody. Let's figure out what's your mom and dad's love language? What's your love language? And then let's brainstorm together. How could we make your mommy feel loved today? How could we make your sister feel loved today and and be rehearsing that, practicing that with them. Because when they grow up in their own relationships, as they get older, they're going to start naturally doing that because you've ingrained it from such a young age and it's never too late to start. 

 

Chris [00:27:13] No, it's not. It comes down to these principles. It's better to be understanding than understood your age, better to be interested than interesting. You know what it simply means as we're starting to figure out this is what makes that other person tick. And, you know, I'm so grateful that yours is an acts of service because mass a lot or tap to go out and cut the grass and do the dishes. 

 

Alisa [00:27:39] Here's a question for you. How can your love language change over time? 

 

Chris [00:27:44] It can. It can definitely change. In fact, all of these have you think about these as lovers, right? You have five lovers that go up and down like a gas gauge. And they are they they can easily move. They're probably going to move slowly over time. But they do. They move up and down. There are other love languages. There are other things, you know, that maybe give me a joy and pleasure and we can talk about those at a different time. But yeah, they can change. And so you can even talk about that. What was this and when did it change or what's moving this one slightly higher than the other one. So I think that was a great tip least about what you can do for Valentine's is to exchange those, Go through it and do it. 

 

Alisa [00:28:24] Yeah. I love that. So I think that wraps up our time segment five plus Languages. Dr. Gary Chapman If you don't have that book, if you've never read it, we highly recommend it. 

 

Chris [00:28:36] I think it's like it. 

 

Alisa [00:28:37] Was life changing. 

 

Chris [00:28:38] So everybody's probably heard it. I think of it, you know, I don't know where it's at in the list, but it. 

 

Alisa [00:28:45] Was a game changer for us for. 

 

Chris [00:28:48] People to try out. You haven't heard about it and check it out. Yeah. 

 

Alisa [00:28:51] So thanks for joining us today. Yeah, Thanks for listening and joining us on YouTube. On the art of Relationships. So, you know, it would really help us if you hit that like button and if you enjoy this conversation that we have it every other week, we would really love it if you would share this with your friends, maybe repost it on your social media. They share it and like it and hit that like button. Anything else? 

 

Chris [00:29:18] No. If you want to sponsor us and you're, you know, from a massively wealthy organization and company and you want to be part of this podcast, right now, we're you know, we got a long list of people that want on. So get your name, get your money in there and we'll put you on our list as one of our top, you know, commercial provider people. So thank you for joining us. All right. 

 

Alisa [00:29:42] See you later next time. Bye bye. 

 

Mandy [00:29:46] We're very glad you joined us for today's podcast. For more resources on marriage and healthy relationships, please visit our website at cmr.biola.edu. We'll see you next time on the Art of Relationships.