Every relationship has conflict. What distinguishes thriving couples isn’t the absence of arguments—but how they navigate them. According to Dr. John M. Gottman’s decades of research, four communication habits—what he calls the “Four Horsemen”—act like warning lights, predicting relational divorce or breakdown. 

For couples in any stage of relationship, this framework offers both a clear warning and a hopeful opportunity: identify patterns that create distance, and intentionally practice habits that strengthen connection, trust, and emotional safety.

1. Criticism

Criticism attacks the person rather than the behavior. Example: “You’re so irresponsible” rather than “I felt hurt when the rent deadline passed.”

Gottman identifies this as the first of the horsemen and a strong predictor of relational decline.

Antidote: Use a gentle start-up. Speak your feelings and needs using “I” statements and invite dialogue rather than accusation.

Biblical backing: Ephesians 4:29 (“Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths… but only such as is good for building up…”) invites us to speak in a way that uplifts, not tears down.

2. Defensiveness

Defensiveness is the natural reaction to feeling attacked—and while understandable, it creates ecosystems of “you vs me” rather than “us together.”

Gottman’s research shows that defensiveness frequently follows criticism and intensifies the cascade.

Antidote: Accept responsibility—even for small contributions. Practice listening before replying.

Biblical backing: James 1:19 (“Let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger”) models responsive listening over reactive barrages.

3. Contempt

Of the four, this tends to be the most destructive. Contempt implies moral superiority, sarcasm, mockery, sneering eye‐rolls. It attacks the person’s worth.

Gottman found it to be the strongest predictor of relationship dissolution.

Antidote: Build a culture of respect and admiration. Intentionally express appreciation, value the other.

Biblical backing: Philippians 2:3 (“Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves.”) invites honoring the other, not belittling them.

4. Stonewalling

Stonewalling occurs when one partner withdraws, shuts down, physically or emotionally leaves the room. Many times this happens when the person is “flooded” (overwhelmed).

Gottman notes that this shutting‐down is highly harmful because it halts communication and emotional connection.

Antidote: Recognize flooding triggers, take a time-out (“I need 20 minutes to calm my racing heart; let’s come back”), and return ready to reconnect.

Biblical backing: Ecclesiastes 3:7 (“...a time to tear, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak”) reminds us that withdrawal isn’t always wrong—but staying withdrawn without repair is dangerous.

Why This Matters for Couples

When the Four Horsemen show up frequently, the relational “bank account” of trust, friendship and admiration drains fast. Research shows healthy couples maintain a high ratio of positive to negative interactions (the “emotional bank account”).

By contrast, couples dominated by criticism, def­ensiveness, contempt or stone-walling often spiral into disconnection.

Practical Tools to Use This Week

1. Self-Check: For the next three disagreements, note which horseman appears. Mark which one dominates.

2. Choose Antidote: Pick the antidote for that horseman and apply it: gentle start‐up, responsibility, admiration, time‐out.

3. Repair Ritual: After the disagreement, set a habit of reconnecting—10 minutes of “What I appreciate about you” or “Where I feel we still value each other.”

4. Teach Together: Share this model with your partner. “Hey, I read about the Four Horsemen—can we try applying this?”

5. Pray Together: Invite God into your discussions. Ask for humility, kindness, grace.