Dear CMR:

Is It Ever Better to Apologize Without Asking for Forgiveness?

Saying “I’m sorry” seems appropriate, but maybe it’s better not to ask, “Can you forgive me?” because genuine forgiveness requires thought and time. It takes a while for a person to come to terms with an apology, so why would someone even ask for an immediate response regarding forgiveness? Does it make the apology seem less genuine because it might give the impression that, “I’m saying sorry just so you can forgive me and we can get over this”?

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That is such a great question, and my answer is a solid “yes” and “no.”

When we become aware that we’ve hurt or offended someone, it’s always important to acknowledge our offense and to ask for forgiveness when apologizing.

I am sorry.
I was wrong.
Please forgive me.

However, you are correct that SOMETIMES the other person may not be ready or able to grant forgiveness at that time. And we certainly can’t demand or expect immediate forgiveness, especially for deeper, more hurtful offenses. Forgiveness can be a process that takes time to work and pray through. That’s ok.

But even though real forgiveness can take time, that is not always the case.

For less serious offenses, oftentimes the simple act of apologizing and asking for forgiveness is enough to repair the relationship. But let’s allow the other person that has been offended to make that decision instead of making it for them by refusing to ask for forgiveness.

Even if they are not ready to forgive at that moment, they can appreciate the apology and the request for forgiveness. Then your perspective of allowing them time to process through patiently will be greatly appreciated.