Holiday Traditions, Difficult In-laws, and Unmet Expectations

You may have just experienced some difficulties over the holidays, especially if you have recently been married. How do you, as a newlywed couple, establish your own holiday traditions? In today's episode, Dr. Chris and Alisa Grace give helpful tips and encouragement on setting boundaries and dealing with difficult expectations during the holidays.

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Speaker 1:

Welcome to another Art of Relationships podcast. We are grateful for listeners like you. Let's get right into it.

Chris Grace:

Well, it's really fun Lise, to do another podcast with you. We're getting close to the holiday season, and I think for a lot of people out there, if they're like us, holidays are awesome, because you get to spend time with people you love, you get to spend time with family. There's traditions, right?

Alisa Grace:

Mm-hmm (affirmative).

Chris Grace:

I loved playing football. I knew playing football in the snow was going to happen over Thanksgiving or Christmas break, because we were going to watch it on TV, and then all the guys in the neighborhood would get together and just go play in the... Usually, in Colorado, it was snowing at the time or was at least freezing. It was so fun. We'd go out there and just tackle and fight, and the family would kind of join in, but it'd be a lot of neighborhood kids as well. It was just a tradition.

Then you'd come home and you'd watch college football and pro football on TV. There were a lot of fun traditions. Alisa, I just think, when that happened, it just, I don't know, tackling somebody and knocking him into the ground was like, that's fun. Well, and it was probably one of those things that I now associate as having people together, doing an activity, and then all being home, in this room. You don't even have to, I don't know, be doing the same thing, but there just wasn't a whole lot of distractions back then, and so you either watched... One TV on, probably black and white, maybe color, and watching the football game, because there wasn't much else on and it was just fun to be with people.

Alisa Grace:

Yeah. Then we got married and we kind of started new holiday traditions with our own kids.

Chris Grace:

Yeah. You and I would go out and play football together and I would tackle you and then you would tackle me and-

Alisa Grace:

... and that didn't go so well.

Chris Grace:

No.

Alisa Grace:

Or maybe that's where Caroline came from. I don't know.

Chris Grace:

That's funny. No, but going on, and doing fun things is part of the holiday tradition. For others, maybe Lise, it's decorating, or maybe it's just being able to sit around a fire and read and talk, or maybe it's quiet time, or maybe it's just the chance to see loved ones again, and eat fun... Try new dishes, and whatever it might be. There's a lot of holiday traditions out there.

Alisa Grace:

Yeah. Well, I think what the interesting thing going into the holidays nowadays for our family, is that we are well into, I don't know, about seven years, of in-laws. We have in-law kids, our kids are married, and so we have a son-in-law, we have a daughter-in-law, and then our kids have in-laws, right? Mother-in-law, father-in-laws, and so we have in-laws, mother-in-law's father-in-laws, so now we're trying to figure out how to do holidays with the in-laws. That seems to be a real common issue for a lot of families, would you say Chris?

Chris Grace:

It is. It's extremely common, and it usually happens that very first Christmas after your marriage, or that first Thanksgiving, or even the second one. You're now married, you've been married for a couple of months and all of a sudden people are making plans and you're going, "Oh, wait a minute. We have in-laws and family, my family here, your family there, they do a tradition." Man, that becomes complicated, because you end up going to a lot of different places. It can also be bad out for the diet, because you're eating foods, having Thanksgiving in the morning with one family and then that night again, or maybe the next day.

Alisa Grace:

Yeah, multiples. Mm-hmm (affirmative).

Chris Grace:

Mm-hmm (affirmative). It gets hard, and I think, Lise, the hardest part for new married couples is satisfying everybody around them. The in-laws want to piece of them. They love them and they want to be there, but also you want to establish your own holiday as well as a new couple. Right?

Alisa Grace:

As parents, it's really hard, because suddenly you have to share. Oh, that's really hard. That's really hard. No matter how often we've done it, where we're going to different parents, our parents and splitting the whole holidays. Now that we're the parents, we have to share our kids. And that's not always easy to do.

Chris Grace:

If you want the bottom line, here's the bottom line for me. The bottom line for any of listeners, is what we have found, is that the person that's most... and the families, whether you're the mom, the dad, the grandparent, the people that are newly married, whatever, if you have kids or not, I think at the end of the day, people that are willing to be flexible rather than, "This is our holiday. This is the way we do it. It will always be this way and no changes can come about because we have a family tradition and we're going to run this for the next 60 years, and we've been doing it for 30 and now we're going to keep it going." I think sometimes inflexibility like that, really is hard for everybody on either side.

Now we're not talking specifically in our families. This is just in general, so I just think the more flexible people are then the better. The bottom line, at the end of the day, you want to spend time with loved ones, right?

Alisa Grace:

Right.

Chris Grace:

And to do that in a way that satisfies, but when all of us run into that one family member, that one person. Maybe it's a kid or maybe it's a parent says, "This is the way it's going to be. It's every New Year's Eve. We celebrate at our house. We use fireworks and everybody has to show up on New Year's Eve, at our house. We start in the morning, we celebrate all day and it ends with this whatever it may be." Whatever the celebration is that you feel most strongly about, and it's usually Christmas, Christmas Eve, Thanksgiving, maybe on a 4th of July.

Alisa Grace:

Yeah. Birthdays.

Chris Grace:

Birthdays. The way you do it, how you do it and the way you celebrate varies, and so I think flexibility, but Lise, that's where you start running into problems when you don't find that.

Alisa Grace:

Well, it is. I think one of the best things that you can do is put yourself in the other person's shoes. Like for us, we've got to put ourselves in our kids' shoes and see the issue the way they see it, because in order to do this, we have to go back and we have to revisit our own advice that we've given to young couples through the years in how to deal with their new in-laws. I think that we have found that there's six steps that we want to talk about today. Six steps to help you navigate this. We have found that it's really worked well with our parents and with our kids. When we start talking about how to spend the holidays with family, Chris, what's a point that you think that we need to keep in mind?

Chris Grace:

Yeah. Okay. It all starts with taking the perspective of somebody else, and I think if we start with that, what does it mean? How do other people see this and be willing to see from their eyes? Sometimes that takes, "Now, can you tell me a little bit... What does this mean for your family? Or what does this mean for you? Alisa, I remember asking you, "Lise, tell me about your holidays." Now, we did this during engagement, because we had great pre-engagement counseling, or premarital counseling, and they would say, "How are you going to spend the holidays?" We would say, "Well, we're probably going to be far away from each family because of our work," and indeed it turned out to be, we were in California. One family was in Colorado, the other in Texas, and so you and I had to decide... but we still had to decide, "Okay, we're going to fly back or drive back. How much time do we spend with one family or another?"

I think it really helped for you and I to discuss this ahead of time. "What's your perspective? Where do you want to be on Christmas Eve? Where do you want to be on Christmas day? What is it like for you? What hope do you have, and then what do your parents want? What would bring them respect and honor, and are they willing to be flexible, because we now have two sets of families?" I think the very first thing is we learn about perspective and we take it from them, and we just talk about it. "What's your hopes, what's your expectations? What do you want most," right? What do you think?

Alisa Grace:

I think so. Yeah. I think that's great. "What did you like about the way you grew up in your traditions? What would you like to do different maybe?" It's just a great chance to really listen and find out about each other's hearts, and the deeper dreams and hopes that the other person has.

Chris Grace:

There you go, and that's it. If you can spend time, you start with, maybe you're a parent, maybe you're not, maybe you're single. What are your hopes and dreams, and share those with your parents and maybe your sibling that just got married, and maybe you're feeling left out, and you say, "My hope and dream was that we'd all be together on Christmas Eve. I really want that because of this." Well, if we start talking about that and get out what our expectations, and hopes and dreams are, sometimes we can find those can be met in other ways.

Alisa Grace:

Oh, Mm-hmm (affirmative).

Chris Grace:

Lise, what's another idea or another point?

Alisa Grace:

Yeah. I think also is that you just need to remember that your spouse comes first. In the best marriages, you always want to put your partner's needs ahead of everyone else's, when you're considering what to do about your traditions and your holidays, right? By doing that, and you're choosing the role of being a husband or a wife over being a child in your parents' family.

Chris Grace:

That could be hard for some people, right?

Alisa Grace:

Oh, yeah.

Chris Grace:

Because they're so connected to Mom and Dad, to their tradition, the culture, it means everything, it's-

Alisa Grace:

Or mom and dad can be so insistent that you continue the way it's always been.

Chris Grace:

And they could also pull the respect and honor card out in a shame based culture and say, "This is how you respect and honor your parents."

Alisa Grace:

Mm-hmm (affirmative). What would you say to that?

Chris Grace:

Well, I would say, you hopefully discussed this during premarital, each of you, the way this is done, and that during premarital you have to sometimes have hard conversations, not just with your potential or your going to be spouse, but with your family about what it means now and how this marriage is going to change things.

Alisa Grace:

To leave and cleave.

Chris Grace:

Mm-hmm (affirmative). Leave and cleave, and that's hard. I think there are a lot of families out there, a lot of young couples who struggle with the idea of... They don't struggle with the cleaving. They struggle with the leaving, and cultures vary, right?

Alisa Grace:

Mm-hmm (affirmative).

Chris Grace:

Some of them just feel, "This is the way it has to be. This is the way... My parents paid for things. They're going to continue to pay," and I think that's where premarital comes in. You say, "Hold on here then." If you're unable to afford and live together as a couple, but it would depend on your parents, then you're already starting off at a deficit because now you're going... They are going to be able to say, "Hey, I can hold this over you."

Alisa Grace:

Mm-hmm (affirmative). That's a good point. What we're saying is, maybe that the leaving starts by making your spouse and your children your priority over your mom, over your dad, over your in-laws. I mean, they're still valued and still loved, right? You're not saying that they're not, but just not over your spouse.

Chris Grace:

Yeah. That starts even before marriage. If you haven't had that conversation yet with either your parents or your spouse's parents, I think you need to sit down and make a decision, what is our family going to be like? What is our marriage? "We're going to put it first, we believe, but we're also going to respect and honor you. We are going to be there. However, it may not be like it was in the past, Mom and Dad. We may not be able to all sit around and do all of this on..." Let's say Christmas Eve, and then do this on Christmas Eve night, and then Christmas morning, and then we have this meal, and then, now you're free to go. It's like, "No, actually we're not going to be able to do that. We're really sorry. It's going to go this way. We want to do this in a respectful honorable way." It's really hard, but spouses do come first.

Alisa Grace:

Oh, it is hard.

Chris Grace:

I think you have to establish the beginning of your own traditions, don't you?

Alisa Grace:

Mm-hmm (affirmative).

Chris Grace:

I mean, that's another point. Start as a couple to... I mean, you are going to, one day, be those parents, and you want traditions, and you want them while your kids are young, but you should start them.

Alisa Grace:

They're important.

Chris Grace:

Yeah.

Alisa Grace:

Yeah. They're important too. I think in Gottman's House, building the house, the foundation, relationship house that he talks about, John Gottman, the leading marital researcher. One of the things that he says brings couples together is shared traditions, shared special moments like that, and so, to start developing your own as a young couple is really important. You want to be sure and work for a balance in fairness though. For example, you might spend Christmas Eve at your parents and Christmas day at your spouse's. Especially if they both live nearby. Or every other year, you might choose to spend the whole holiday at home as a couple, or maybe as a family as you have children. Our oldest son, he's married and has a baby, and they've started their own tradition on Christmas morning. They don't come until later in the day, because they now have their own tradition there at home.

Chris Grace:

Yeah. It's hard. We want everybody there, so we've had to flex and maybe have a holiday on a different day, right?

Alisa Grace:

Mm-hmm (affirmative). Mm-hmm (affirmative).

Chris Grace:

It's not the day that's important. It's being together, right?

Alisa Grace:

Right.

Chris Grace:

Whether you did this on December 18th, or December 21st, or the 25th, whatever it is. Just so long as... Now, that's one person's opinion, but that's just kind of how I see it. The day, in and of itself, isn't some special date.

Alisa Grace:

Magical. Mm-hmm (affirmative).

Chris Grace:

It's not magical. It's just a date, and that means we're together and we celebrate.

Alisa Grace:

For instance, one thing that we do now at Thanksgiving, we have in-law kids that have some pretty strong Thanksgiving holiday traditions. And we love that. We love to let them honor that with their families, those in-laws. What we've done is we make alternate arrangements on Thanksgiving with some other friends, but then our family comes together every Saturday following Thanksgiving. We now call it our grace giving, so that's become our new family tradition, that we all really love. That's been a way that we've been able to accommodate the various families involved in our extended family now.

Chris Grace:

Yeah. I do think that if you're a young couple and you're starting this out, you should have these conversations, if you haven't yet. Another one, Lise, maybe another tip is, establish ground rules. We did that, and here's how long we're going to stay in one. A lot of the driving and planes dictated some of that, but I think it's real important. There are some things that you don't want to give up and you hate to have only part of the kids there, but you do have to arrange it. We're learning over time that sometimes it's okay to have one holiday meal with a small number of your family, and then the next day, a different holiday meal with a different part of your family, and that's okay.

Alisa Grace:

Mm-hmm (affirmative). Sometimes you can't all be together.

Chris Grace:

That's right, but you have to establish these, not only in advance. I think that's it, Lise, you have to kind of let them... Some people are planners, right?

Alisa Grace:

Yeah.

Chris Grace:

You and I are not. You and I just kind of go.

Alisa Grace:

We're more spontaneous. Yeah.

Chris Grace:

More spontaneous, but we've learned that some people are more planners and they want know ahead of time what's going to happen, and where, and when, and so we've had to kind of go along with that.

Alisa Grace:

Yeah. You want to be sure and let your extended family know, "Hey, listen, this is when we're going to be there. This is how long we can stay and when we have to leave," and you want to have that conversation before the holiday.

Chris Grace:

Yeah. Yeah. I love one of ours, Alisa, and I probably shouldn't admit this publicly, but it's lighting major fireworks on two nights of the year. It's on New Year's Eve and then on 4th of July, right?

Alisa Grace:

Uh-oh.

Chris Grace:

It's really fun. We have a... "Hey, come on over."

Alisa Grace:

I can neither confirm nor deny that.

Chris Grace:

Yeah. Sometimes these things shoot very high and they set off car alarms. They're so loud, but sometimes it's our neighbors doing that. However, we join in and watch them, and we really much enjoy it, so I think there is-

Alisa Grace:

We're not saying which neighbors.

Chris Grace:

Not saying which neighbors, but they live four doors down on the cul-de-sac near us, and they blow things up all the time, or we do, or they call up and say, "Hey, do you have any of those things that go straight up in the air, like a rocket and set of car alarms?" I'm like, "Yes, we do." Those are fun holidays. We want people... But sometimes it's just you and me doing it with maybe one or two people out there, sometimes it's the whole family. I think, Lise, I think the goal... At the end of the day, you really do want to honor, and the honor word is important here. Right? We want to honor and respect our spouse and their traditions just as much as they're going to honor us and family. Right?

Alisa Grace:

Mm-hmm (affirmative).

Chris Grace:

You start with spouse, then you go to family.

Alisa Grace:

Right. As we look back and we just kind of recap those six keys to how to plan the holidays with family. That first one we talked about, you said, talk about your hopes and expectations. The second one is, remember that your spouse comes first before your parents, right? Then third, agree as a couple how to establish your own holiday traditions, and then fourth, establish the ground rules in advance and be sure and let your family know in advance what you're doing. Then fifth, the goal is to honor your spouse and your family, trying to be as fair as possible, but just remembering that the plans that you establish in those early days of your new marriage are going to set the precedent and expectations for the future. So think through them and really don't just do it haphazard, but really think through them. Oh, were you going to say something?

Chris Grace:

No, but just, as you're thinking about that or mentioning that, I think about the idea of also being flexible and adaptive, and going, "Well, that was great, but let's try this, or let's add this in, or let's..." Sometimes holding on to some things just because you did it this way as a kid, they could be great and make you feel good, but it's also a chance to go, "We can establish something new and try it out." [crosstalk 00:18:02].

Alisa Grace:

Mm-hmm (affirmative). Exactly. The bottom line, you're saying, is just be flexible.

Chris Grace:

I think, if you had another point, it would be, number six would be, yeah. I think it's just be flexible, be adaptive, try new things.

Alisa Grace:

It may not be exactly the way you always dream that it would be, and you may have to tweak it and change it a little bit as your stage in life changes, as your children's stage in life changes, you just need to be willing to give and not insist on having your own way.

Chris Grace:

Mm-hmm (affirmative). Yeah. I love that, and it's been hard, a little bit, when we were newly married, Lise, to spend time. We just wanted to be together and hang out and spend time, but we knew we needed to be with family, and so it'd be hard, you'd drive 400 miles and 500 miles on Thanksgiving morning, or sometimes you'd drive that long on a Christmas Eve just to be with the next family, to be able to spend... It was worth it, and we didn't do that all the time, and there are great memories, and then establishing our own eventually. It's fun, and yet I do think those are great tips, especially that flexibility idea.

Alisa Grace:

Yeah, and just keeping in mind, like you said before, that the date itself is not the main thing. That you celebrate your birthday, it has to be on your birth date, or that Thanksgiving has to be on Thanksgiving, that fourth Thursday of the month. The main goal is really, when you get down to it, to just enjoy spending time together as a family, and who cares what day it is, as long as we're enjoying each other. We can knock ourselves out and make it happen that day and end up not enjoying it, because it was so stressful for everybody. Or we can just be a little more flexible and really find the joy in being together.

Chris Grace:

Yeah. We've all had those families, man, where you're sitting around and you're just going to have fun. It is, you're going to enjoy this and you're going... "I put all this time and effort..." Everybody's fighting with each other and not liking each other.

Alisa Grace:

It's just not fun.

Chris Grace:

No, it's not fun. I mean, you go outside and you want to play football, you want to tackle them and you want to smack them around and Mom come play, or Dad, or somebody else, so that we can... But at the end of the day it really is about, I think, Alisa, you're right, the day on the calendar, is not the important thing. It's really finding those critical moments where we can engage, connect and be together as family.

Alisa Grace:

Yeah. If you would like more information about this, or if you want these points laid out for you where you can go back and refer to them, check out our blog at cmr.biola.edu. This blog is called Your Family or Mine? 6 Keys to Planning How to Spend the Holidays with In-Laws, and we have way more on that website, a lot of resources that are free, and we'd love for you to check them out. Chris, any parting words?

Chris Grace:

No, I would just say, enjoy and look forward to these holidays as a chance to not just get closer to each other, but to sense what's the deeper meaning behind this. It's to celebrate something that God has done. Thanksgiving, the word is gratitude, and to express gratitude throughout the year, doesn't make it so much that you have to spend it just on one day being grateful. Gratitude throughout our world and throughout our days can make for Thanksgiving just to be a simple, another day of expressing gratitude, same with celebrating who Jesus was and his birth. We should probably do that on a regular basis and do that regularly. Anyway.

Alisa Grace:

Yeah, it's a great note to end on.

Chris Grace:

All right. Well, good talking.

Alisa Grace:

Okay. Thanks, Chris. Bye.

Chris Grace:

Thank you.

Speaker 1:

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