Dear CMR: My husband and I are in crisis and on the brink of breaking up. We don't want to because we have two kids, but something has to change. What initial steps should we take in mending the relationship?

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Thank you so very much for your honest question! The fact that you are asking this question indicates that you still have at least some investment in the marriage, and that will be a helpful resource for working on it.  It is clear that your relationship requires some changes. That also is a potential resource as it gives you and your husband something that you can work on together. You can potentially begin to feel more connected as you collaborate together on the common goal of working on your marriage. Here are some initial steps that will be beneficial.

First off, I *highly* recommend that you and your husband seek out professional counseling.  It is very beneficial to have an objective third party with skills and training who will walk with you and guide you through the process of repairing and rebuilding your marriage.  Sometimes we *all* can use some help! If you do decide to seek out professional counseling, it will be vital to make a real effort to work on the relationship, such as regularly attending sessions and doing any assignments between sessions. It won't be beneficial to just show up for sessions; don't just show up so that you can check off that you "tried" counseling.  Divorce is such a significant decision that you want to make sure that you have seriously tried all your options before choosing that one. Recognize that divorce also has costs and consequences; there is no option that is pain free.  If you are going to have to endure some emotional pain and discomfort anyway, make it count for something.  Make a real concerted effort to work at counseling.  You, and your kids, deserve your best effort.

Marriage can be hard, but divorce is also hard, and costly. Make your pain count for something.

Second, even while waiting to start counseling, make a conscious decision to give your spouse the benefit of the doubt.  Often when we are stuck in a painful place in marriage, we begin to see everything negatively.  We start to assume that everything that our spouse says and does is wrong or intentional, for the express purpose of hurting us.   While you don't need to completely disregard all of your assumptions, do try to set them aside temporarily and give your spouse the benefit of the doubt. You can always pick up your concerns later if/when necessary or warranted.  Look for the positive and good in your spouse. Try to remember what you liked about them, and what attracted you to them, when you first met.

Third, when conflicts arise and things begin to get more intense or argumentative, decide together to put the issue on hold until you can discuss it with your counselor. There will be no real benefit to trying to talk things through on your own when the conversation turns confrontational, especially if you consistently have gotten stuck in this same conflict before.  Of course, it will be important to talk about it with the counselor and not avoid the conflict. But deciding together to table the discussion until counseling will keep you both from causing any additional emotional pain or hurt.  It can actually be seen as a way of caring for your spouse and your relationship.

Lastly, try to find some positive activity that you can do with your spouse. Read a book on marriage together. Go to a marriage conference together.  Go hiking together. Try a new restaurant together. Think of some of the activities you used to enjoy together, and give them a try. Building in some positive experiences with your spouse will be helpful. You can begin that now, even while waiting to start counseling.

Marriage can be hard, but divorce is also hard, and costly. Make your pain count for something. Try some of these initial steps as you pursue professional counseling. You, your marriage, and your kids are worth your best effort!