In this episode, Chris and Alisa Grace explore the highs and lows of college roommate dynamics in “Roommate Horror Stories.” They discuss student stories—ranging from passive-aggressive tension and cleanliness conflicts to emotional dumping and boundary-crossing behaviors—providing practical insights and tips to help you navigate difficult living situations with grace and wisdom. Whether you're dealing with roommates, friends, or even future spouses, this episode offers valuable advice to improve your relationships and set healthy boundaries.

Resources Mentioned:

• Blue Trust – Certified Wealth Strategists – Biblically centered financial planning and investment services for couples seeking financial unity. Contact Colby Gilmore at colby.gilmore@ronblue.com
• Boundaries vs. Ultimatums – with Willa Williams – This previous episode dives deeper into how to set healthy boundaries without crossing into ultimatums.

Connect with Us:

• Website: cmr.biola.edu
• Facebook: facebook.com/biolacmr
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  YouTube: youtube.com/@biola-cmr

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About the Hosts:
Chris Grace, Ph.D., and Alisa Grace are passionate about helping people build and sustain healthy relationships. As leaders of the Biola University Center for Marriage and Relationships, they combine the wisdom of Scripture with scholarly research to offer practical advice and insights. Learn more about their work at cmr.biola.edu.

Mandy [00:00:01] Welcome to The Art of Relationships. This podcast is produced by the Biola University Center for Marriage and Relationships Let's get right into it.

Chris [00:00:11] Well, welcome to another Arts of Relationships podcast. My name is Chris Grace. I'm Elisa Grace. Yep, and we're here with the Biola University Center for Marriage and Relationships, of course. And Elisa, we have been talking with college students now for many, many years. I've been a professor here forever. More than we wanna admit to. Yeah, a lot of the time. And we hear some amazing stories, kind of I guess you would call them horror stories of roommate issues.

Alisa [00:00:45] Yeah, so that's what we're going to cover today. We've got some horror stories about their roommates that students have given us to. And they're not just necessarily here on this campus because we actually travel all across the United States doing healthy relationship conferences at different universities and colleges. And trust me, we've heard everything.

Chris [00:01:08] We have. We've heard a lot. So we're just going to get right into it. Some of them have written in some great questions and situations. So at least let's just respond. I'll start. How's that?

Alisa [00:01:17] Okay. And we've not shared them with each other, so this is just going to be on the fly.

Chris [00:01:22] Okay, so this says, I know having a college roommate comes with challenges, but I wasn't prepared for this. We are complete opposites when it comes to cleanliness. Earn a roommate, or him, I don't know. We grew up in a house, this person says, where everything was always tidy. I'm not a neat freak, but I can't function if our room is a disaster zone. Meanwhile, my roommate seems totally fine living in chaos. At first, it was little things. Leaving floor, a little clothes on the floor, forgetting to take out the trash. But now... It's out of control. So our sink is always full of coffee cups, happy eating food, laundry pile, weird smells coming from places she can't locate. She found moldy food containers under the bed. She tried cleaning up with her, and maybe she goes, I had just time management for her, but when I mentioned it, this roommate laughed and said, oh wow, thanks for doing that. You're so type A. It's then that I realized she has no intention of cleaning. So. She doesn't want to change. Her room is messy. And I just said, hey, I'm feeling overwhelmed when the room gets messy. Could we set up a system so it stays clean? She rolled her eyes. I don't really see the mess. It doesn't bother me. I don' think I should have to change it. Well, this is sounding very familiar. I know. I'm a cleave freak. But I don''t want to be the nagging roommate. But I definitely don't want be resentful. But I also feel like I have to tiptoe around her bill. Just to stay sane, it's what maybe a woman – how do I handle this in a way, this loving but firm Lisa? Am I being too controlling for wanting a clean space or is it fair to expect some effort on her part? Wonder

Alisa [00:03:00] Wow. You know what, this is actually really interesting because I had that exact same situation when I was a freshman in college. My roommate, her stuff just, I tried to divide the room down the center and I mean her bed was always unmade, her shoes in the floor, her boyfriend was on the basketball team, and so there was all sorts of paper and clippings in the floor, and eventually I tried to just. Imagine, draw that imaginary line and just push all the trash, clothes, shoes, food on her side of the room and mine was neat and tidy. So I'm feeling you, whoever this is, I am feeling you.

Chris [00:03:41] So she obviously needs to have, she had the conversation. It didn't go like she thought. Is she too controlling, too much of a neat freak, and should she expect change? Let's start with that. My suggestion would be that if you have cleanliness issues with somebody that you're living with, sharing a room with, married to, There's a couple of things that need to take place and at least I think the best advice would be It is okay Especially when it comes to something that it could kind of be a health issue mold growing and

Alisa [00:04:24] It's kind of gross when you're smelling stuff people don't want to come over. That's kind

Chris [00:04:28] So, you would have to at least say, hey, you can stay the way you are when it comes to your clothes and everything else but when it come to, you know, areas that we share and when it comes to, things like smells and moldy food, I'm really gonna have to ask that we take care of That's gross, yeah. So, you know, it has to be... a conversation that the other one does begin to accept for some responsibility, right? And they're gonna have to do that later on in life, even if it's a roommate situation, you're gonna do that in marriage. Exactly. And so, Lisa, any other quick advice you would give to her as she deals with this roommate? Thanks for watching!

Alisa [00:05:08] Well, I think it just, what I would suggest, first of all, it's too late for this certain situation. But in the future, one thing to keep in mind is that's something, because now you know that's an issue for you, that's something that's important to you in your living situation. So as you begin to search for probably your next roommate next year, or even as you're dating in the feature and considering getting married. I think that's one thing to know and to look for is, hey, this is an issue for me is being tidy. And I can put up with a little, you know, a little less. I mean, that's just normal. But really decide in your own mind, where do you draw the line? So that's what I would do in the future, but that's not gonna help this situation. So what about you? What's the first thing you would do?

Chris [00:05:57] No, I think that's great. I think maybe part of it is you don't have much longer left, hopefully, in the semester. But if you do, you may just have to kind of go with it. You may have to say, all right, I'll just put up with this. But I now know, like you said in the future, what kind of roommate or what kind of characteristics I will inquire about. Because if it's not gonna be this, it's gonna be something else. And those are the great things about just starting out and learning about you and what you can handle and what you can't. So I would say the best way to get around this is just simply say, all right, you don't need to have everything clean, but if it is in a common space and it's your stuff, man, I may just go ahead and start sticking it on your bed. Because we can't have it in here. Yeah, and then you just kind of maybe Go, okay, Chuck, that's one up, move on.

Alisa [00:06:51] Yeah, and I think if maybe you're the one that is the messy one, right, then it's incumbent upon you to just show common courtesy, right? If your roommate comes to you and is saying, you know, I really care for you as a person, I enjoy living with you personality-wise, and there's an issue that I'm noticing is really starting to bother me, right. and you have that conversation. And it's just common courtesy, especially as brothers and sisters in Christ, sisters in Christ that you give consideration to what they are bringing to you, and it's an opportunity for growth, right? To be able to say, wow, okay, maybe I'm getting a little bit out of control. Even though it doesn't bother me, Philippians 2, 3, and 4 says to consider other people and put their needs. ahead of your own. And just as a believer, as a Christian roommate, as as a follower of Jesus, I want to be able to be sensitive to that. That doesn't mean that I have to keep everything sparkling clean, but it does mean that I need to be willing to take a considerable effort in the situation and make some changes.

Chris [00:08:10] Yeah, I think that's good because there really isn't an excuse when you get called out on something that's maybe like this, to not respond positively, at least in the sense of, okay, I need to make some changes, just to be good roommate, Christian or not, too. I just want to do the right thing. So I think, that's great. Let's move on to another one. Okay. We've got a bunch.

Alisa [00:08:33] Okay, you ready for mine? Okay, I love this. She says, I need some advice because I'm starting to feel like a guest in my dorm room. My roommate, let's call her Katie, has been dating her boyfriend, we'll call him Jake, since high school and while I'm really happy for her, I didn't sign up to have both of them as roommates and he is always here. I come back from class, Jake's in our room. I sit down for homework, they're giggling, and whispering across the room. I try to unwind after a long day, and they're eating takeout with a movie on full volume right there in our room. I can't even relax without feeling like I'm intruding on their date night, but this is my room, and I don't wanna deal with the awkwardness of being the third wheel. So she says, one time I tried to talk to Katie about it, and Katie literally said, Hey, are you just gonna be here for a while because like Jake's coming over. And she's like, this is my room. So she says, you know, I feel like Jake is here a lot. She said, maybe we could figure out a balance so that we both get time to use the room. Hey, kudos to her, that was good. But Katie just shrugged and said, well, I don't think it's a problem and it's not like we're doing anything wrong. And I feel that that's not the point. I just wanna feel comfortable in my space. So. How do I set boundaries without making things?

Chris [00:10:02] Awkward. Yeah. Yeah, great question. I guess the maybe unregenerative side of me wants to say, all right, here's my suggestion. Go get a guy friend that will go together with you this. You wait until your roommate is stressed or studying, and you bring him in, and you do everything that they would do. You giggle, you laugh, you turn on a movie, and you make her when she says, Oh, I'm not really sure, I see. Yeah, really, it's not a problem, is it though, for everyone else? Now, seriously, you give them a taste of their own medicine, or you bring in a girlfriend and you do the same thing. Now, are you saying really to do that? Are you saying? What I would want to do for myself, especially when they said, oh, it is not bothering anybody, you know, this isn't a big deal. Why you make it so big? like, okay, let's see how a big deal of it is. Okay. kind of joking a little bit, right? I don't know if I would actually go through with it, but it does to show, hey, this is a big deal, man. It's affecting where I live. This is my room. So indeed have a talk. And if you need, bring in an RA, bring an RD, express it, and then have a sit down and say, look, I can't do this. This is really affecting me. And you have Jake there and her there, and you have a come to Jesus moment. Good night guys. we have to set some boundaries, because this is affecting me. It's affecting my study time, my just downtime. This is my room. And first of all, I just don't feel like you guys are taking this seriously enough. And so I brought in my RA and my RD, and we just need to have a come to Jesus moment. Let's just talk about it. And I think that's the first step. If they continue to violate it, I think then you set up consequences with, you know, you talk with maybe the powers that be and say, look. I'm not sure, but I can tell you that he is not on this contract. Do I have the right to tell them to leave and it is my room and my personal space and find out what is that policy? And my guess is you do have the right to say this is my room, I'm sorry, I am calling a time out, you guys are gonna have to leave. You don't have to, girl, but he does. So, you just really are gonna have to set a strong boundary and I know it's hard. Some people don't want to do that, they don't wanna offend their roommate, but look man, that kind of behavior is messed up. So yeah, I just don't like it. I just like when someone does something, maybe it's not intentional, they don't drive her crazy and they don' t want her to fail, but that's what they're doing. It is pretty inconsiderate. Yeah. What about you?

Alisa [00:12:42] I completely agree. I think bringing in that third party, that objective third party could be really helpful.

Chris [00:12:50] And you could even say this, hey, roommate, I really am struggling with this, so I would like us to pick an objective party, the RA, the RD, somebody else to come in and hear both sides of this and see if we come up with an agreement because apparently my little hints to you and everything else, they're not.

Alisa [00:13:07] Well, and she even came right out and said it. This isn't working for me. Could we find a balance? And I love the fact that she was brave and courageous and she addressed the problem. She was forthright. It sounds like she did it with kindness, but with firmness, and that the roommate was just like, kind of like, I don't care what you think, which sounds like you need a new roommate. That's going to be the answer to every one of these ideas.

Chris [00:13:35] All right, I've got another one for you. This is getting even a little bit maybe more serious on the scale. I'll just read it real quick. And again, really the second time I'm reading it, you've never heard this, but she was excited of course to have a roommate, they got along great, they even, you know, she talked about they both grew up Christian, talked about finding a church together but This roommate made friends with another group who loved to go partying off campus, and they would go out drinking alcohol, come back, smell like alcohol, and it kept happening. And one night, she heard her come in, 2 a.m., and she said, no, I'm fine. She heard her roommate on the phone talking to somebody, and she pretended to be asleep, but her roommate was saying, no I'm find, I just have to act sober enough to get past the RA. So uncomfortable and so in fact at her school, she says there's clear rules about drinking You know coming back drunk and so she doesn't want to rat her out, right? But at the same time She doesn't wanted to keep happening. What and so these choices don't seem to be good for this person and But if she confronts her she's afraid she'll shut down completely She wants to speak grace with truth, I guess But what point does she need to maybe or should she ever bring somebody else in on this? She's torn, she wants to be good friends, but how would you do this that honors in this case must be a Christian that they honor Christ in doing this.

Speaker 4 [00:15:09] Yeah.

Chris [00:15:10] I guess the first thought, Lisa, then I'll kick it off to you would be, look, keep this in mind. We can never and are never responsible for changing another person or their behavior. We just can't do it. You know, you've tried for years to change my behavior and it never works man. And the same with, so really in reality, we can pray for the person, weekend. talk with them. We can have, you know, heart-to-heart conversations. I think this person can express their concern but that person is responsible for making their own choices and they're choosing to go do this and really all you can do is if you ever feel unsafe, you can bring that up. But otherwise, I'm afraid you're just probably gonna end up, you know, praying for this person hoping they make some good choices, hoping that they don't, you, know, come home, you don't drive and, you You know, drink and drive. You know, date rate, something like that. Well, I know it's not in our capacity to really change anybody and get them to behave the way we would think is better for them, so.

Alisa [00:16:19] Yeah, I think you're absolutely right. And we can't control the other person. All we have power over is what we do, what we choose to do. And so again, come the end of the semester, you're probably going to want to make a different roommate choice. In this particular instance, it sounds like they had a really good friendship basis when this other roommate started making some unwise choices. And the fact that... You know, you have that initial conversation that starts out with, you know, we are good friends and because we're friends and I love you so much, I wanna really be able to speak truth to you out of that love. And I wanna just tell you and take this opportunity to tell you that I'm really concerned about some choices that you're making because I fear for your safety. I fear, fear for you well-being. and what's going on.

Chris [00:17:22] I'll respond like that, like you were talking to me, right? There's a couple of different ways I could respond. I could say, wow, gosh, yeah, thank you for being such a good friend and thinking about that because you did it in a kind way and worrying about that, I'm okay, I am just having fun, it's not hurting you, it is not hurting me, I not driving that way. But thank you, but I think I am going to keep going and you would say?

Alisa [00:17:47] No, it's like, you know what? You have every right to do that. And if that's what you think is best, then okay. And that's all I can do. And now I can leave that conversation being confident that I was forthright. I spoke my mind out of a pure heart with kindness and concern. She's not making a change. And so I think what you said before, all I could do is to love her. continue to be kind to her and pray. You know, oftentimes we fall to a default of, you know, all I can do is pray. And initially, even going into that conversation, the first thing I would recommend to that student is, before you even enter the door to have that conversation with your roommate, pray. Ask the Lord to soften her heart, to give her. maybe a soft heart that's willing to receive what you have to say, ask the Lord to help you communicate that with kindness and consideration and to bring a spirit of unity out of love between the two of you.

Chris [00:19:01] Yeah, that's good. I think you can must start and even end there. I mean, that that's really your response. Just to get even more specific, yeah, I would not recommend ratting them out, you know, calling them out unless there's a safety issue. They are violating school policy, I get that. But this is almost the place where you let consequences, you know, determine and she'll face those at some point. It doesn't have to be you, know, that's calling at 2 a.m. and, you know, ratting on her.

Alisa [00:19:31] But would you say if there's an instance where either she's in danger or she's putting other people in danger, would that be an exception too?

Chris [00:19:41] When you say, hey, listen, last night you came home, you were almost unconscious, or you seem to, you know, this is like the third or fourth time, I'm only worried just about your physical health, man, let's go, we need to get some help. And I'd like you to come talk with somebody. So it'd be that way. There's confidential ways of doing this conversation, instead of going directly to, you know police or campus safety or whatever they might be. There's other ways to go do it. It could be with a trusted counselor, it could be at the professor, it could with somebody who will keep that confidence and say, listen, they're not gonna co-rat you out, but you might need some help. I'm seeing some signs.

Alisa [00:20:19] And what if the remake doesn't make any changes at that point?

Chris [00:20:23] That's when I would say the next thing I would do would be I'd go kind of educate myself real quickly on, you know, what are some signs of alcoholism, what is some signs and I would just think through and then some reactions that I could do with that and what some good responses and if they don't change, I think that's where you just go back to prayer and keep moving forward. But yeah, unless there's major health worries or you know legal things that are happening or, you know. I believe this is maybe the time where you let the consequences affect, you know, if schooling goes bad, you want her to do better on a GPA, but she's always wasted and not gonna do well, well guess what, she's gonna fail. What else can you do?

Alisa [00:21:06] I might say, I might disagree a little bit with one part of that, and then maybe we can flesh that out a little more. If it came to the point where she's driving drunk, and she's putting her life, as well as other people's lives in danger, then that might be a point where I place a phone Ha. to the RD or to the police or to something like that. I agree. Because that's put not, if she's gonna be that non-worried about her own self, put her own life in danger, that's one thing which would be horrible and worth making a phone call. But definitely if she is putting other people in danger then I would step out and make that phone call

Chris [00:21:56] I'd make it immediately I wouldn't I would I think that's exactly rightly so I wouldn I would make that call immediately Because you would regret it if something did happen and you said you'll have some vanity and you didn't live that you don't know I love that Well, you know, when it comes to money and marriage, we all want clarity and confidence, right? And especially unity with spouses, right. I think Lisa, that's why we get to work personally with Colby Gilmore of Blue Trust.

Alisa [00:22:27] That's right, Colby Gilmore, along with other blue trust certified wealth strategists offers personalized biblically centered financial planning and investment management services, no matter what your income level is.

Chris [00:22:41] Lisa, say that title twice. Blue Trust Certified Wealth Strategist. That's a title. I'm not sure I could. I know. So they do put clients' best interests first, and they don't sell financial products. I love that about them.

Alisa [00:22:53] Me too, and you know what, we highly recommend Colby Gilmore and Blue Trust for anyone looking for both financial unity with your spouse and opportunities to increase your wealth and your generosity.

Chris [00:23:05] Yeah, so if you guys want to check out ronblue.com or reach out to Colby Gilmore at colby.gilmore at ron blue.com that's colby dot gilmore at rong blue dot com i think you guys will be glad you did.

Speaker 4 [00:23:23] you

Alisa [00:23:26] Okay, so are you ready for my next one? Yes. Okay. This one says, I need help figuring out how to handle a situation with my roommate without making things super awkward. My roommate, let's call her Sophie. You notice all these roommate issues are girls? They don't seem to be some guys. I'm wondering what this is. Anyway, I digress. Let's call our Sophie. She's super nice. We actually get along really well except for one major issue. She takes my stuff without asking. So at first it was little things. I noticed my pin or hair ties are missing and I figured I just misplaced them. But then I started seeing my clothes in her laundry pile. That's like a no-no in girl world. Anyway, one day I was heading to class and realized my favorite sweatshirt was gone. And I found it on her bed. When I asked her about it, she just said, oh, yeah. I just borrowed it. I figured you wouldn't mind. And I'm thinking, wouldn't mine? You didn't even ask. And then it escalated. One day I went to do my makeup before class, and my entire makeup bag was missing. That's like a... bit... That's like a bad no-no in girl's world. Anyway, I texted Sophie and she replied, oops, I grabbed it for my morning class. Hope that's okay. Now she says, I don't wanna overreact, but I just said, hey, I totally don't mind sharing sometimes, but could you ask before you borrow my stuff? She laughed and said, oh my gosh, I just feel like we're close enough that it doesn't matter. I'll try to remember next time. but things just keep disappearing. I was raised to share and be generous, but I also feel like my boundaries are being totally ignored. How do I handle this? By setting firm boundaries, but not letting it ruin our friendship.

Chris [00:25:25] Yeah, well, there we go. Again, part of me just wants to go ahead and turn the tables and take her makeup, borrow her stuff, start wearing everything, do it in a very, you know, find her favorite outfit, put it on, wear it, you now, leave it on your bed. Again, I'm not suggesting you do this. That's the part of that me that's like. Some people don't really realize that their behavior sucks, so to speak, and that it has negative impact on them until they see it happen to them. But I guess maybe the better way of doing with this is you just have to just kind of set a bound. You have to have a conversation and say, all right, hold on here, man. I was raised to share. I don't mind. If you simply ask me, I guarantee you my answer will probably be yes. But if you don't ask me first, I think we need to set a boundary that that's inappropriate, that that's wrong if you don't ask me first. And we're going to have to deal with that. And in fact, let's just go ahead and do a good old psychology way. I'm going to put a little can right here, a little- Jar and every time you borrow something mine that you never asked you're gonna put five bucks into that because maybe or just or even Worse you have to put your favorite lip gloss in there. Yeah You got to speak your language. You do this in a kind of fun way, but say, oh, listen, man, this is it. We're going to have a mess up jar, a sin jar, and every time you do this, you're going to put money in there. Do you agree that if you ask me, all good, but if you do something and you didn't agree, you're gonna owe me. And you kind of come to an agreement. And you're going to have to put your favorite lip thing. in there. You're gonna have to do makeup stuff in there, you know, if it's a guy, you could do the same thing. You have to pay me some money, boy. You gonna have do this because I'm tired of it. I bet you it stops. Especially if they agree, you like, okay, I agree, and then like, all right, then you're open to it.

Alisa [00:27:40] I love that. You know, something that you just said brought back. I'm going to tell on myself now because this is a college story. Whenever you said, you know, you're raised to share. Well, I grew up with an older sister and so we just shared our clothes. I mean, we shared everything. We shared a room for, I don't know, until I was in junior high we shared a room. So, I was just raised that way and it was very easy for me to do that. And so when I got to college, a bunch of us girls that were living in the dorm, we would share things. Hey, that was a cute shirt, can I borrow that? Can I borrow those shoes? And we all shared, it went really well, except for one girl. She would never, ever share. And so. And she wasn't very nice about it either, you know. She was a little bit snooty. She was little bit standoffish. She just didn't ingratiate herself to the other girls on the floor.

Chris [00:28:41] By the way, is this the one that's in prison today?

Alisa [00:28:45] No, she's probably living it. This was at Baylor my freshman year. She's probably living at a really high-end part of Dallas today. But anyway, getting back to my story, so we did something really not very nice. So what we did is one weekend while she went home for the weekend, so she left the dorm, she had all these beautiful shoes, right? That she never let anybody borrow, and she kept them in the shoe boxes. in stacks, stacked in the top of her closet and labeled, right? So she knew exactly what shoes were labeled, what and where they were. And so that weekend that she went away and to go home for the weekend, we pulled all those shoes boxes out of the closets and we mixed up all of her shoes and mismatched them and then we stuck them back in the top of our closet.

Speaker 4 [00:29:37] That's evil.

Alisa [00:29:38] She was not happy with us when she got back home, but you know, that's as bad as it gets. Yeah, that not too bad.

Chris [00:29:45] No, that's not too bad.

Alisa [00:29:46] But that's a it's a common thing though. That's an interesting thing though that we're taught to share and to share alike but when you violate that either by not being willing to share or You take advantage you go the complete opposite extreme you take advantage of the other person Then you're gonna have to speak up and say something

Chris [00:30:07] Yeah, and I think that in this particular question in this situation, I guess what I would say too is again, you just have the conversation and you know, come up with the consequence and put a lock on your closet anywhere. Yeah, and then you know hopefully, you know it'll work out in some way where the other person begins to see yeah this isn't right. I think guys you know everyone's we'll do the same We just don't think about it but Being called out on it, brought to the, you know, forefront is probably your best bet. Get started.

Alisa [00:30:39] Yeah, and you can be very kind, very easy, gentle with it the first time, and if she continues to ignore it, or if he would continue to ignore, then you have to have that conversation. You have to be really serious. It's like, this is really not okay, and we need to talk about this.

Chris [00:30:57] Yeah, that's good, Lise. All right, here we go. It's really the same – it's kind of this idea, I guess. This person, though, says that their roommate is emotionally, mentally draining. And what they're saying is they just vent about everything to the roommates. They vent about her family, relationships, stress, personal problems. Let's say it's a he and he just goes on and on. Like, I want to be a listener, but frankly, she's unloading all these problems on me. I'm trying to work on assignment, and she'll go like, oh, he won't believe what happened today, or he says this, right? And then, you know, this person says, I try to be empathetic, but it's gotten to the point where I feel like I'm, you now, the therapist. And if I don't respond the right way, they're like, even listening, why? You seem annoyed. You know, like, well, okay, I really don't wanna listen. And finally, I said, hey, look, man, I need to really focus right now. Can we talk about this later? That's when they looked hurt and said, okay, fine. And they didn't even talk to me the next day. So they feel stuck. They don't want to be a bad friend, but I just can't take this emotional dumping every day. How do I set boundaries without hurting their feelings? Yeah, that's a tough one, right? Because our roommates, we want to trust and be vulnerable and we feel the freedom to share. Thanks for watching! That's great, this person might, you know, even have recognized, yeah, okay, I got pretty good strengths with listening and caring and maybe that's something I need to think through for a future career, I'm pretty good at this. And then part of that future career is what she said, is how do I set a boundary on hurting this person's feelings who just constantly wants to talk? Again, we keep coming down to just this need to have the conversation. in a way, sounds like this person tries and has tried. So at least I would say, if I'm there like, hey listen man, there are some things and good times, let's set a time. I don't mind, you know, grabbing coffee with you later tonight, because I'd like to hear more and I'd to be there, but right now, it's not a good time for me. I'm so sorry, I got this project, but I do want to get back to you and hear. And I think the person that venting may just be, you know, finding anybody willing to listen at that moment. And they like to be external processors. And maybe you could tell them something like, hey, I know you like to talk it out. And I know that for you, it's at that movement. But I really am not able to do that right now. And I'd like to kind of wait just a minute. So I'm gonna have to unfortunately say, can we pick this up later? And then pick it up later. But that's one way. You just set the boundary, tell them, and then just move on. If they're hurt, no, they're heard. But I don't it doesn't seem like someone like that would be heard. You know, they just processing. But it's.

Alisa [00:33:56] I think that's really good, and if you're the one that they're coming to, I think it's also really important for that roommate, the one who's being asked to listen all the time and being vented upon, I really think it is important for them to realize that you're not a trained therapist. And for them, to depend on you and treat you as though you are their therapist is really unhealthy both for you and for them. Because if you think about it, therapists go to school for a long time. They get years of training. They go through out like 3,000 hours of supervision to make sure they're doing it well. And then they have to pass rigorous boards, right? And so what is a college student that's not that responsibility is really unrealistic on the part of the venting room. Well, what do you do? And well, I think the first thing is to give yourself permission to set those boundaries and to realize that doesn't mean I'm not being a good friend. It doesn't means that I'm being a a good listener. It just means that, first of all, it's not healthy for me to operate as a therapist. And number two, if I continue doing that, then. What happens is that roommate that really may have some exacerbating circumstances, that they really do need a good, qualified therapist, but they don't go seek it because you're filling that role for them, and you're unequipped, you're unable, and it's draining you.

Chris [00:35:42] No, I think that's great, Lee. So I think, I think what you're saying is, look, first of all, give yourself a break. You're not a trained therapist, and you do have limits and boundaries. And you do have an expertise limit, and they're exceeding that, right?

Alisa [00:35:57] It's an unrealistic expectation of yourself and of the other person.

Chris [00:36:01] I know I keep kind of getting back to the same thing, but maybe another way to do this kind of outside the box is, hey, listen, I don't mind listening to you right now, you know, and I've been listening to you for half an hour. I will tell you what though, you're gonna need somebody who's a little bit more trained, but you're treating me like trained. So I'll tell you, I'm gonna charge you like untrained.

Alisa [00:36:20] Every half hour we sit here talking. That's gonna be a hundred fifty dollars.

Chris [00:36:24] It's about 45 bucks, so don't mind, put it in the tit jar, and I'll tell you what, I'll keep a timer for you, and every time you do this, I don't mine listening, but you're treating me like a train therapist. I'm gonna charge you like a trained therapist. That's one way to afford your tuition. There you go, there you go. They go, wow, wait a minute, you're gonna charge me 20 bucks? Yep, maybe a mil, I tell you, what, you keep talking, you just added now French fries. You wanna keep going? Ah, it's a diet, you wanna keep goin'? That's a little bit of an Uber ride right there. So you just, now I know it's maybe not, but it could work, but I think the better thing is just to go ahead and say, hey, hey I'm sorry. I do want to listen, I do care, now's not the right time, I hope you don't mind.

Alisa [00:37:06] Yeah, and maybe even set a time limit and say, yeah, you know what, I've got 15 or 20 minutes before I have to leave. You don't even have to say why. But I've gotta about 15 or twenty minutes before I've have to live, so I've go that amount of time. And so, then you can set that, and then that way you have boundaries that you're not stuck there for an hour and a half.

Chris [00:37:31] That's great. Love it. All right. Let's take one more, Lisa. I think you have one.

Alisa [00:37:36] Okay, I do I have one more Okay, ready? Okay. I didn't expect college to feel this much like middle school drama

Chris [00:37:45] Read the brief part because I just saw that's a whole page

Alisa [00:37:48] I know it is. It's a whole page there. So basically, I'm feeling stuck and unsure of how to handle my roommate's jealousy. When we first moved into the dorm, we hit it off right away. We both loved coffee runs between classes. We went to church together. We were becoming really close friends, which made the transition to college so much easier for both of us. And, as the semester went on... I began to make additional friends and wanted to spend time with them and not just my roommate. And basically she's saying, my roommate, this was really hard for her. And she would start, you know, dropping little hands like, wow, you're hardly ever here anymore. I guess I'll eat dinner alone tonight again.

Chris [00:38:39] So what do you do with that?

Alisa [00:38:41] Yeah, she's like, how do I extend grace to my roommate, but also it should be okay for me to have additional friends. So I don't want to feel trapped. How should I navigate this? Yeah.

Chris [00:38:55] Well, yeah, that kind of situation, some people are a little bit better at making friends, right? And there are social circles that are a bit better, and some are a litte bit more loyal to a single, you know, like, I want to be in this, and nothing wrong with that. But I guess what I would say is, look, you can certainly, let's come with me in this new friend group, you now, or come hang out with us. and If that doesn't work, because it sounds like they would say, no, I just want to be with you, or whatever. And you'd say, well, gosh, man, I value your friendship. I think it's good. But I just kind of have this social need to be others or be with a wider variety of people. And I don't exclude you from any of this. I'd love for you to join us. And I'd for them to join. And I hope that makes you OK with that. And if not, then you start to find out from their reaction, if it's still negative or if they're still maybe being passive aggressive or if there's still, if then you're learning a little bit more about your roommate and maybe some negative characteristics, qualities that, because they're borderline a little, would you say unhealthy or toxic, then that's when you're like, hey, listen, I wanna do this with you, I wanna enjoy friendship and. But I'm not going to be able to just do this exclusively with you, you know.

Alisa [00:40:25] Yeah, um, you know, the first

Chris [00:40:27] hard conversation.

Alisa [00:40:27] It is a hard conversation. And I tell you, when I was just reading that, my heart went out to that roommate, the one that's kind of being left out. Because the first of the semester for her, it was really fun. They connected deeply. They were building a sense of intimacy and friendship. And then all of a sudden, her friend is pulling away. And I can imagine that sense of rejection. that that friend is feeling and wondering, you know, why doesn't she wanna spend time with me? And really mourning and grieving that loss of the friendship that they had at the beginning. And I can imagine that that would really be hard. But what it sounds like is that that friend doesn't have good communication skills because she's using passive aggressive comments instead of being able to come to her friend and say, hey, you know. I really love you as a friend, I love our time together, but I notice that you're spending time, more and more time with other people. And if I'm honest, you know, I guess I'm feeling a little rejected and like maybe you don't wanna be my friend anymore. And I'm just wondering, is there something that I've done that has hurt you or offended you? Because if so, I wanna be sure and own that and deal with that. So first of all, is something that that I have done? that has hurt you or offended you. So I would have that conversation first as the offended friend. And then you wanna really listen. If there's something that she's done, then that's your opportunity to say, yes, cause you know, this did hurt and maybe you wanna change. Or it's your opportunities to say no, you're awesome, that's great. I just have also formed some other friendships. that are also really important to me and so if I'm this roommate, the first one that's writing the letter, I think what I would do is maybe sit down with the offended friend and say, why don't we come up with a schedule, a balance of where you and I still get time together each week. Like, why don't we set a time, like a dinner date every Monday? Let's go to dinner every Monday, and we can talk about our week, share our lives, do that, and then maybe, you know, a lunch or something on the weekends. Let's have two specific points that we connect during the week, and then there's other times that I can be with some other friends, but not lose our contact point, because our friendship really is, you are important to me, and I love you. and I wanna be able to have time with other friends. Does that sound like that would work for you?

Chris [00:43:20] I think that's great advice. I love that. And it's hard, right? It's hard to have these conversations if we've never been taught that. If we've ever seen someone have this hard conversation, we just react to what is easy for us to be passive aggressive or to be quiet or to pout or to do whatever. But I think at least that's kind of why we do this podcast is to say, hey, there's certain skills you can learn, some things you can do, and this is one of them. It's just the ability to express your hurt, express where you're at. without casting blame or without saying they're a bad person for doing this, but just owning it. Hey, I miss that. And then the other person's response, hopefully we'll be a gracious one and do what you said. All right, let's maybe find a compromise here.

Alisa [00:44:02] I love that. And if you're the one that is the friend that's kind of being where you're feeling rejected, you can also initiate that conversation, right? That's right. I notice that you're spending more time with other people, and I just want to say that's totally okay. You have every right to do that. And I just wanna let you know that I really kind of miss you. And I'm feeling a little rejected. And... and... Is there something that I've done? Because I want to be able to own that. And then be open to whatever they say. Whether it's, yeah, you've offended me, then you want to able, like you said, to own that and say, wow. And you want listen carefully. And you wanna kind of summarize. So what I hear you saying, Remay, is that you enjoy being friends with me, but you also. need other friendships as well. You still love me and want to have time, but you also need these other friends. Did I get that right? Is there anything else like you feel like you want to say? And then you want validate that and say, I can totally understand why you would enjoy these people and want spend time with them. That's totally cool. Would you mind if you're still open to our friendship then, then you can initiate that process of. setting specific times that maybe you need to also look at yourself and say, maybe I'm smothering them. Am I being a little unrealistic in my expectations of this friendship? Am I expecting this person to meet all my emotional needs? And they were never meant to do that. God didn't equip them to do that, and is this saying something about there's a that I'm expecting somebody else to bring healing and fulfill when it's actually something that I need to be processing with the Lord and sit with the lord first of all and just say, Lord, what do you think about this? Is there something I need to be aware of in my own heart that you want to bring some truth or some healing to? Are there some lies maybe that I am believing about myself or this other person? that the enemy is put into my mind that I'm that that you want to bring truth to and then be willing to sit and take that time with just you and the Lord and let the Lord do that healing and and ministering work in your own heart because then you're actually going to grow from that personally spiritually you're going to go you're gonna grow as a as just a person and you're to be in a healthier, more robust... a personal place in order to be a really good, healthy friend for somebody else and not put too much burden on that friendship that they were never meant to meet.

Chris [00:47:00] Well, I think you dropped the mic with that one. I think if I had to have a summary, it would be that for any of these issues, conflict does not mean in any of the situations that your roommate or your situation is bad or wrong because you just disagree about things. Conflict is part of every single relation.

Alisa [00:47:19] as inevitable.

Chris [00:47:21] It's how you manage it and I think the best way you manage at least is to do what you've just said. So hit rewind on that podcast. If there's a rewind button, I don't know what you call them anymore. But yeah, back up. You re-listen to what you just said, Lise, I would say. And that is you utilize this conflict to show and ask God, what's going on in my heart in this situation? Why is this coming up? What can I learn from it? I tell you what, you do that in any one of these situations for whichever side you're on. And I think it's gonna be a very effective way of not only managing conflict, but growing through this. And that's, I think that's what it's about. All relationships have conflict. It's do you grow from it, do you learn from it? Do you change from it and can you manage it well? Yeah. So great answer.

Alisa [00:48:07] And, you know, I noticed in all of these two, as we're wrapping up, that there was a common theme about boundaries. How do you make a request of somebody? How do you set a boundary? Was that a boundary or ultimatum? And actually, the previous podcast, we actually addressed that. I co-hosted with my friend who's a marriage and family therapist, Willa Williams, and we actually unpacked that. So, yeah, vote check that one out. Check that one out.

Chris [00:48:32] Check it out, that'll give you some great tips, especially if this is, like you said, it underlies almost all these things and it's such good training now while you're here in college for later on more kind of intimate relationships, so great. Go listen to that at cmr.biola.edu and that's where you can find that podcast. That's where can find all the best podcasts which are rated, you know, and we show up. probably is the number one podcast in the world right now. The world. Because of you, the listener. So give us two thumbs up, hit that like button, hit that subscribe button.

Alisa [00:49:11] share it with a friend. I mean, if you have to send this to your roommate, put it on their download right there and say, maybe we need to listen to this.

Chris [00:49:20] Keep the Art of Relationship podcast number one in the world. Thank you for listening. We'll see you next time.

Mandy [00:49:30] We're very glad you joined us for today's podcast. For more resources on marriage and healthy relationships, please visit our website at cmr.biola.edu. We'll see you next time on The Art of Relationships.