Pick Your Pain: Choosing the Path of Growth in Relationships

I was talking with a friend recently, and she was telling me that she was in the middle of a conflict with another good friend. She was terribly hurt, and because of that, she was angry. She said that she was just so hurt she could never forgive her friend. Because it was just too painful, she was choosing the path of unforgiveness, which she thought was the path of least resistance. She thought it would help her avoid the emotional pain and tough relationship work. But she still wasn't happy, and it wasn’t bringing her real, lasting relief. 

Have you ever felt that way? That something was just too hard to do, and so you chose not to do it? Perhaps it was needing to have a difficult conversation with a friend, family, or coworker. Perhaps it was confessing a mistake and a regret. Perhaps it was speaking up for what you wanted or thought was right, but you feared or even knew that the other person would not be receptive. 

There are many more situations, but these are all examples of how we like to use avoidance. We avoid when we don't want to do something. We avoid when we fear doing something. We avoid when we don't want to confront something. We avoid because we think that avoidance is the easier, less painful route to go.

Even though we believe that to be true, what I can tell you is that there is no pain-free route, there is no pain-free option. There is no option where there is no cost or work involved. We just pay it in a different way.

Take my friend, for example. She thinks she is avoiding emotional pain by cutting off her relationship with her friend. What she doesn't realize is that she actually is paying a high price of experiencing emotional pain. She is experiencing the pain of loneliness, the pain of unforgiveness, the pain of bitterness, the pain of misunderstanding. And those can add up to be more costly and more painful than just having the reconciliation conversation with her friend. 

Or the situation where we don't want to confess a mistake or regret and make it right. At the front end it seems so hard to humble ourselves to do that, but when we don't, we pay the price and experience the pain of carrying that mistake and regret every day. It emotionally eats away at us, brings us stress, and steals our joy. We feel bound and weighed down.

Or the situation where we don't speak up about what we want or think is right because we fear or know that the other person will not be receptive. We know they will be dismissive and invalidating of us and our concerns instead. It seems so scary to bring those things up, but if we don't, we pay the price and experience the pain of resentment, bitterness, invisibility, and the eventual disintegration of the relationship. 

There is no pain-free, cost-free option. So, make your pain count for something. Pick your pain. Pick the pain that will get you something for it. 

My friend can pick the pain of having that really hard conversation with her friend. And, as a result of that pain, she can have a good friend and a restored relationship that is even deeper and closer and more connected than before. Her pain can bring her joy and closeness.

We can pick the pain of confessing our mistakes and regrets. And, as a result of that pain, we can have joy, restored relationships, connections with others, acceptance, and less stress. We can experience great freedom in being able to relax and just be us. We don't have to be perfect and it is totally okay.

We can pick the pain of speaking up about what we want and think is right. And, as a result of that pain, we can experience the joy of being authentic, understood, accepted, and appreciated. We can experience a deeper, more connected relationship where both people are free to be their authentic selves.

There is no pain free option, where there is no cost involved. So, pick your pain. Make it count for something. Let it bring you freedom, growth, joy, and connectedness. 

Pick your pain.