Few moments test a parent’s heart quite like watching their child fall for someone you’re not sure about. Maybe the relationship feels rushed, the age gap makes you uneasy, or you see differences in values that give you pause. It’s natural to want to step in and protect your son or daughter. Yet, as they enter adulthood, your role as a parent shifts: from primary decision-maker to wise guide and trusted supporter.

So how do you love well when you don’t fully approve of your child’s boyfriend or girlfriend?

Respect the Shift in Roles

Scripture reminds us that children eventually “leave and cleave” (Genesis 2:24), establishing new relational priorities as they mature. For parents, that means recognizing the boundary line between their life and your oversight. While you may still see them as “your little one,” your child is an adult navigating choices—good or bad—that are now theirs to own. Respecting this shift is the first step in preserving your long-term relationship with them.

Why Our Discomfort Can Run Deep

Part of the tension is that a child’s dating relationship isn’t just about them—it also introduces another family system, values, and culture into the mix. Research in family psychology shows that “in-law dynamics” can be one of the most complex relationship stressors in marriage. It makes sense, then, that parents might feel an urge to “vet” or even “manage” the process early. But unchecked, that urge can quickly be perceived by your child as control.

Preserve Trust With Your Child

Trust is the currency of influence. If your child senses judgment or constant critique, they are more likely to distance themselves from you—and to move closer to their partner. That’s why one of the most powerful things you can do is listen without immediately offering solutions.

I often remind parents of three practical principles in moments like this:

1. Withhold advice unless asked. Resist jumping in unless your child seeks your input.

2. Practice active listening. Reflect back what you hear to show you understand their perspective.

3. Keep them covered in prayer. Trust God to work in ways your words may not.

Get to Know the Other Person (Without Overstepping)

It’s not wrong to want to know your child’s boyfriend or girlfriend—or even their family. In fact, building healthy connections can communicate care and hospitality. But check your motives first:

• Are you seeking genuine friendship, or secretly looking for flaws?

• Are you willing to hold the relationship loosely, knowing it may not last?

Approach with humility. Show kindness, ask good questions, and let your child set the pace for how involved you become.

What If Serious Concerns Arise?

Sometimes disapproval stems from more than discomfort—it may be rooted in genuine red flags: lack of respect, manipulative behavior, or values directly opposed to your faith. In those cases, silence isn’t loving. Scripture calls parents to guide their children in wisdom (Proverbs 22:6). The key is timing, tone, and trust:

• Timing: Wait for an appropriate moment, not in the heat of conflict.

• Tone: Speak with gentleness and humility, not accusation.

• Trust: Share your concerns from a posture of love, not control.

Remember: your influence is strongest when your child knows you are for them, not against them.

Holding the Relationship (and Your Fears) Loosely

Parents can sometimes become more invested in the relationship than their child, especially if extended families begin blending. Keep perspective. If the relationship ends, you’ll want to avoid a deeper sense of loss because you became overly enmeshed. Hold relationships with open hands, remembering that God is ultimately in control of your child’s story.

A Parent’s Greatest Role: Prayer and Presence

At the end of the day, no conversation or strategy outweighs the power of prayer. Pray for your child’s heart, for clarity in their relationship, and for your own wisdom as a parent. Ask God to reveal what you cannot see and to guide them according to His will.

Your presence—steady, loving, non-anxious—will speak louder than your disapproval ever could. And even if you never fully warm up to the person they’re dating, you can still remain the safe and trusted anchor your child needs.

Final Encouragement

Parenting young adults is an ongoing lesson in surrender. Your job is not to script their story, but to walk with them through it—loving them, supporting them, and pointing them to Christ along the way. By respecting boundaries, preserving trust, and praying fervently, you’ll not only navigate your concerns with wisdom but also deepen your lifelong bond with your child.