In this episode, Chris and Alisa Grace explore how to teach kids genuine gratitude in a culture that constantly feeds entitlement. They talk about why “me-first” messaging (from social media, advertising, and peer groups) shapes the way kids see themselves, their stuff, and even God’s grace—and how parents can gently push back. Along the way, they share practical ideas like modeling gratitude in everyday frustrations, using dinnertime questions to help kids notice God’s goodness, shifting from “I have to” to “I get to,” and helping kids process disappointment (like missing out on Disneyland) without shaming their feelings. You’ll also hear creative practices—from gratitude walls and journals to serving the less fortunate and writing thank-you notes—that slowly form thankful hearts instead of entitled ones.

Whether you’re parenting preschoolers, navigating the teen years, co-parenting, grandparenting, or investing in kids as a teacher, coach, or mentor, this episode offers hopeful, realistic tools to cultivate gratitude in the next generation—and in your own heart.

Resources Mentioned:

• Going Deeper Together: Spiritual Armor Required – A five-lesson course that helps couples recognize the enemy’s tactics and stand strong together with practical, biblical tools. http://t.ly/iTL9

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About the Hosts:

Chris Grace, Ph.D., and Alisa Grace are passionate about helping people build and sustain healthy relationships. As leaders of the Biola University Center for Marriage and Relationships, they combine the wisdom of Scripture with scholarly research to offer practical advice and insights. Learn more about their work at cmr.biola.edu.

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Chris [00:00:00] Welcome back to the Art of Relationships where we explore God's design for thriving relationships and today we're stepping into one of the most formative relationships we'll ever have and that is parenting.

Alisa [00:00:12] And not just parenting, but how to raise grateful kids in a culture that constantly feeds them entitlement. So between social media, advertising and peer pressure, our kids are bombarded with messages that say, Hey, you know, you deserve this or Hey, why wait when you can have it right now?

Chris [00:00:31] Yeah, but when kids go up believing the world owes them something, it damages more than their attitude, it affects their emotional health, their relationships and even their understanding of God's grace.

Alisa [00:00:41] Yeah, so in today's episode, we'll explore how you can help your kids grow thankful hearts, not just through family rules, but through the rhythms, habits, and spiritual truths that shape who they become. So whether your kids are in preschool or prepping for college, this conversation.

Mandy [00:00:58] Is for you. Welcome to the Art of Relationships. This podcast is produced by the Biola University Center for Marriage and Relationships. Let's get right into it.

Chris [00:01:10] Well, welcome to another art of relationship podcast. I'm Chris. This is Elisa. Oh. Yeah, we get to talk about fun things in in, you know, marriage, relationships, lease, and and even now parenting. So let's do that. Let's talk about something that parents have talked about, you know, for forever and ever. But really the the specific question that we sometimes get is how do I create or get grateful children? It's such a powerful word, gratitude. But to instill that in our children, especially in a culture today, but a culture yesterday and cultures all over the world experienced the same desire and want. And that is I want my kids to understand gratitude. I I want to provide for them, I want to give them good things, but sometimes they expect them and the world tells them, Oh, you should have this or that, or and then they seem to sometimes some kids, some parents struggle with my kids have no idea how much we've helped or how much they have compared to everybody else.

Alisa [00:02:21] We create the monster. We're we are our wor own worst enemy. All right, kids' own worst enemies sometimes. With a not by meaning to, but it's just a natural outcome when we give them everything or we make we try to remove every hardship and make it too easy. Yeah. Too protective.

Chris [00:02:39] Yeah, and so, you know, it when we're raising kids, I think Lisa, the the question that you and I faced was, we felt a sense that God had blessed us and given us so much. One of the things that we kinda noticed was, oh, the kids, you know, we w we had two cars, you know. We had a a a place of grass in the backyard where they can play. But but oftentimes letting them know how important or how grateful we were for that, right? Or how w wonderful it was to be able to go to school and to go to baseball and to participate in these different activities.

Alisa [00:03:26] Some things they didn't want to do. Yeah. They were very grateful about going to school.

Chris [00:03:31] No

Alisa [00:03:32] Boy Mom, I don't think I was either as a kid.

Chris [00:03:34] Yeah, so w what are w as as we open this we talked about what are some ways that we can teach our kids, right? This ability to have this heart of gratitude in a culture that sometimes works against it. What would you say would stand out to you as something we should start doing as parents if we're not if we want to instill that sense of gratitude into our kids?

Alisa [00:03:58] Well, I do I think one of the first things that comes to mind is to be the parent or be the adult that you want your kids to grow up to be. So and as opposed to telling them all the time to be grateful, how about if we role model for our kids what gratitude looks like, what gratitude sounds like. And so one of the places that we often did it was around the dinner table at night. So we would ask, you know, you know, tell us one thing good that happened to you today. Oh, we might couch it in terms of a high and a low. What was a high, what was a low? The highs we can be grateful for and the lows we can empathize with. That stinks but but it does force your kids at that point that know that question's coming at dinner and then that so they they notice a little bit more.

Chris [00:04:51] Oh, that's great. So there are some little things that we we that you're doing already that you can just incorporate into. So dinner you already have. We did that. I remember going, Oh, let's pray for dinner. And we would always pray gratitude, right? I mean, that's what this means, Thanksgiving. And we have a whole holiday to celebrate Thanksgiv gratitude. But what you're saying w was really helpful was incorporating into that one additional piece, not just, hey, thanks for this food, but what's one thing you're grateful for today? What's a high? You know, and I think that's great. That's a good way. Let's g let's try another one. I would say one key takeaway that I would give for a parent is to what you just said, by modeling that, you provide the way in which they can see how what what you do and that they you're modeling a heart of Thanksgiving. And we did that at the table. Gosh, I'm just so grateful that today I w able to go to a job. Yeah. I have a job and I'm so grateful for it that I'm a you know, and that w we can have food like this, or we can have, you know, these nice things because I'm just so grateful I have a job. Some people don't and they struggle.

Alisa [00:06:09] That's I I think what you just did right there was key. In our modeling is that we have to practice being grateful, right? And expressing gratitude. A lot of us can feel gratitude, but we don't always express it. And so actually taking the time to express it, but I think picking up in our own attitudes, the attitudes of am I acting entitled? Like if my mail came and it wasn't quite what it was supposed to be like. This weekend we stayed in a hotel that was it was a good solid sea. It was a good solid sea. There were some things that weren't quite up to snuff that you usually have at a a at a nice hotel, the conference that we're speaking at. And it would have been really easy to just focus on the things that were that we didn't like. Right? And there were probably four or five of 'em that i if you'd had a mind it would have been a legitimate thing to pick up the phone, ask for the manager and you know, and complain. But there's there's a point where you start to go, like what you said, there's a lot of people that would love to stay in a hotel like this that never get to. Mm-hmm. Oh my gosh, I think we can be okay that the room wasn't serviced today. Oh my gosh. We had somebody to come in and make our bed and give us fresh towels. That's nice. And okay, they missed a day. That's not great, but you know, to act entitled and call and be all huffy, yeah. That'd be a great point f with in front of your kids to say, Yeah, that probably should have been different. But you know what, there's a lot of people that never even get to stay at a hotel. And so you do that with your kids.

Chris [00:07:57] Yeah, that's great.

Alisa [00:07:59] Th and there's a lot of points.

Chris [00:08:01] No, that that idea Lisa sorry, Don't I cut you up, but that idea of modeling in front of them is and and it this isn't I mean, this is like obedience. This is something you have to do every day and it's something that you can struggle with, right? You and I walked into this hotel and w w we got the keys for it. So, you know, you have to get in the elevator, get out, carry your stuff up. Well, every single day we had to go get a new key made because it didn't work, right? Like it stopped working. So we had to go all the way back down the elevator, go all the way down to the lobby, ask them, Can we get a key that works? And then it happened again the next day, right? Well, that just simply means it ta it's not always easy. It's a check and sometimes are hard because I I'm like, Why did you guys you should figure this thing out? I mean, it's twenty twenty five and I think you can probably have the technology to give me a key that lasts for three days.

Alisa [00:08:53] But and you had a legitimate complaint because even with your physically with your neuropathy, it's painful to walk all the way there, go up, walk all the way the room, then have to come all the way down and then walk all the way. So you had a legitimate complaint. Yeah. But I hear what you're saying. Go ahead and finish that.

Chris [00:09:10] No, just that. It's just that modeling is something that you want to be able to do with your kids. It's gonna be challenge you. This isn't, you know, just telling them to be grateful for something. It's also they're gonna see it in your life and are you able to in the d you know, the harder times find the side of something to be grateful for. I think one thing that can help parents as well is to avoid the comparison game. Right? Someone once said that comparison is the thief of happiness. Yes. Well, what that means is that sometimes parents, sometimes in our modeling, we could see something that another person has. It's pretty easy to do that, right? They get this. I didn't get that. You know, we see what maybe our kids is, you know, their friends got and our kids didn't. Why did the teacher recognize that kid with the gold star and the student of the week? Our kid has never gotten this. And w so that comparison game can really start heading down some, you know, difficult paths. So I would s suggest this. If you wanna really raise and teach kids gratitude, it's using it in tough times like that and say, Wow, but isn't that cool for Johnny that he got student of the month? Aren't you thankful for him? Or you know, these good things. And and avoid that idea that they have something I want. You know, and Th and w watch our hearts in that because it's easy to see something that someone else gets.

Alisa [00:10:44] Oh it's very is easy, isn't it? Erin, there's some research that talks about when the comparison game actually is profitable and is helpful. Can you talk about that?

Chris [00:10:57] Well yeah, I mean there's different ways, right, that The research is is pretty clear in the area of happiness. And what research shows is that when people are dealing with comparisons, one of the best uses of comparisons is when we compare with people that are less fortunate. You did that. You said, Gosh, not everybody gets to stay in the hotel, not everybody gets to have, you know, a place to go and and spend the night. Not everybody has great new sheets or even a bed to sleep in, you know, or th a single bed for themselves.

Alisa [00:11:35] Not everybody survives cancer. To be able to walk all the way, even if you have neuropathy, there are some people that don't that don't have that gift of life still.

Chris [00:11:45] No yeah, exactly. So I mean it's not just small things, it's big it's it's big things and small things. It's the it's that. So I can complain that oh no, chemo has done all kinds of bad things. It killed the cancer, that's good. But it's you know, I can't walk well or you know, whatever, nausea. And yet when I think about and read and pay attention to those who either didn't survive the process, didn't survive the fight, came out with worse side effects, it really does temper this comparison or it really does help me with gr with happiness and gratitude in recognizing wow, I d I have some good things. Yeah, some results that are really amazing and positive and wonderful, especially when I see this person who didn't have the same success or is struggling in a worse way, right? And then so with our kids, I think it's really being able to point out that. They may have, you know, be able to go to Hawaii on family vacation. You know, but let's look at instead of comparing with that, let's look at these people who never get a chance to go on vacation. They they don't have a good intact family unit or they never get to go on vacation and we get to go. I know it's just down the coast or you know, it's maybe up to the mountains, you know, but at least we and so comparing with the less fortunate is one thing. Also this idea of l looking out yeah, I mean happiness has lots of different variables, but when it comes to gratitude, that's one, that comparison game.

Alisa [00:13:29] I love that. So what would you say? What after s so stop the comparison game you said. Well w that would be another one.

Chris [00:13:37] Well I think what it is is is Learning to take pleasure in the moment is a very important that is there are so many times we just keep looking forward to the next thing and the next thing and w one thing you and I had to do with the kids, but mostly with us is we're driving in the car, going from California to Texas or California to Colorado or or somewhere in between, to get there to begin the holiday. And we would say we as soon as we get there It's gonna be so fun. Then we're gonna have this holiday. Then and it's just fighting to get there versus learning part way through like, wait, let's enjoy this moment right now. We're in a car, we're driving, point out the sights. And it's not like oh, it'll happen as soon as we get off, you know, the airplane and get into this location or get out of the car. Really it's I think it's learning. More what it means to enjoy the moments that we're in. Yeah. And they could be in, you know, like when I get to the beach, when I get there I'm able to just relax, then I'll enjoy the moment. And telling the kids, you know, part of the journey is really where some of the joy and enjoyment can come in is during the j the journey, right?

Alisa [00:15:01] I love that. Sometimes I've heard it called living within the parentheses. That there's what happened in the past, there's what's grown to happen in the future. Yeah. And and then there's what's happening right now. And if we pay so much attention at looking what lies behind us or worrying about wishing for focusing on the future, we must the life that's happening in the parentheses.

Speaker 4 [00:15:26] Great.

Alisa [00:15:27] There was who was it? Oh, Eric Little, the the Olympic runner. What was the name of that movie? Chariots Chariots of Fire. Yeah. His when they the kids were little, they were missionaries in China and before the boys went back to school, boarding school in England, they were at like a lakeside time with their little sister, his brother, his parents, and just having a really wonderful time. And he recounted during a prayer time with his parents how his dad prayed. He said, Lord, we know it can't always be this way, this good, where we're all together and we're all enjoying each other and really thriving. So Lord, for what we have right now, we're really grateful. Yeah, that's good. And that has always stuck with me. Like Lord, I love that. You know, when you were going through your cancer treatment, we didn't know what was gonna happen. Right. But Lord we don't know if it'll come back. Right. And it could. Right. But you know what? For what we have right now, Lord, we're very grateful. And so when you're thinking about your kids, it it it's more what's caught than what's taught. Right. You can sit there and lecture your kids about being grateful, but it's gonna be much more impactful for them to actually see you and hear you living it out. Day to day.

Chris [00:16:51] No, that's really good. That's that's exactly it. And that's kind of that notion of modeling, you know, they're going to watch you. Not necessarily always hear what you say. They hear it. But they're gonna watch to see how you do it during those times. No, that's really good, Alisa. Yeah, I think the other piece of research that came in it's an interesting one, it's about setting expectations. This might be more for the parents and adults, but if we continue to set greater and more higher expectations, we're going to be prone to disappointment. Like, oh when we get to this point, or when we have this much, or when when we're able to do that, or when we can reach that. And I think learning how to set realistic expectations. Like that's kind of what Little's family did. Like, yeah, one day we want all the family to be here, all the kids for our Christmas break and to celebrate and have fun. And what I think what he did was he set more realistic expectation. We're here. This is the time. This is in the parentheses and it's more realistic and I think that kinda leads to this greater sense of joy, happiness and gratitude.

Alisa [00:18:06] And then as I think about this, Chris, there's a phrase that you use a lot that when it comes to gratitude, you talk about if you change this one little word. Yeah. Can you talk about that?

Chris [00:18:20] Yeah, it's one word. So parents, and for those that are just maybe not yet parents, but wanting to figure out a simple test, that is go listen to yourself talk or your conversation with another person and y take note of all the times you say that you have to go do something. Like for example, it's not uncommon for me to say, Oh, I have to go get gasped before Drive any further. I have to go cut the grass this weekend. I have to go to work today. I have to go m have an appointment today. I didn't want to see somebody this afternoon. I have to go to this and that word have to is it can be changed pretty radically, in fact transformatively for a lot of people, if they can just change that little phrase have to to get to. Y you talk about something powerful. Like Salisa, I could say, you know, instead of saying all the time I have to go to work today, I have to go pre prepare for this, I have to say, I get to. Yeah. I get to go to work today. And w we challenged m I know I myself and y you have done this and we've done it with each other to oftentimes when we fall into that pattern of have to we lose really what's something to be grateful for is like I get to. Mom, dad, I have to go to school today, I have to have a project and you could say, kid, guess what? You get to. You're in a good school. You get to go do this. And it starts with the parents being able to do that. How many times then you tell your kid, Hey, wait a minute, you get to, you're privileged, right? And then they say, I have to go to work today, oh I have to go, you know, take care of your mom. I have to go do this. I have to go fix the car. I have to go shopping. I have to go do the Changing that to I get to is a pretty powerful little phrase that can transform your hearts and the way you approach something instead of going y so instead you would say, I get I have a job, I get to go to work today. I have a car, I get to go change the oil. I have kids. I get to go pick 'em up and go to their concert. I get to go watch my four year old do ballerina stuff. Right? Instead of I have to go

Alisa [00:20:53] To pay bills. And it's like, well, you know what? At least I have heating and air conditioning. I have water and trash pickup. I don't have to go to the dump myself. I have to pay the insurance, car insurance. Oh my goodness, at least we have car insurance. At least we're able to pay for it. So I get to. That's really powerful. And I think it would be f a fun way to do it with your kids is to catch yourself when you say I have to and quickly oh, I mean I get to. And make a game of it. And when your kids start going, Oh, I mean, I get to, and they start picking up on the lingo and on the fun aspect of it. And when you do something enough and practice it enough, it becomes a new habit. And when you lay down that new habit, it changes your whole perspective in the environment of the home.

Chris [00:21:46] I love that. That's a great change. Simple change. So modeling, right? We talked about e living in the parentheses, changing that phrase here. Have you ever felt that sometimes in marriage like everything starts to pull you apart and it's just not a coincidence, right?

Alisa [00:22:07] Yeah, that you know, the Bible reminds us that we have a very real enemy who's been trying to divide couples since the Garden of Eden.

Chris [00:22:16] At least I think it's why and one of the things that led us to creating the Going Deeper Together Spiritual Armor Required. It's a five lesson course that equips couples to recognize the enemy's tactics and help you stand strong together.

Alisa [00:22:30] And you'll discover the number one way the enemy gains an advantage and how to counter it with really practical biblical tools.

Speaker 5 [00:22:39] Isn't it true, Lisa? It's the s your spouse isn't the enemy, is the enemy that's the enemy.

Alisa [00:22:45] And if you want to protect and strengthen your marriage, this course is for you. So you'll find all the details in the show notes. So check it out.

Chris [00:22:57] Here's another one I think that is very simple. If you want to practical advice, parents, it's this start writing down one thing that you're grateful for every day. Keep it somewhere. Keep a list of something that you're grateful for. Right now, if you were able to do that, research in the psychology of gratitude has found that the most transformative gratitude projects that changes people's hearts of they before went in, they maybe complained or grumbled a lot or just didn't really think about this. Was simply doing that one thing. Writing down something that they're grateful for and doing it every day. I I I love that. It it it's a simple little thing. And you could do I mean you could do it verbally, I guess. And I I could say, Lise, I'm so grateful today that you went and did all this errands that you had all these errands that took that burden away from me. Thank you for doing that. I'm so grateful. And I could or I could write it down in a journal and share it with you. Or I can and so when we practice that at dinner, it was what are you grateful for today? That's it, that's it. Just simply take that and say, kid, hey, go list everything today. One thing, just one that you're grateful for. Pretty soon. So we have our students, our college students do this. And then we tell them the whole semester. We say at the end, you're gonna have to write us a short. Summary of how it was for you to have to write down one thing a day. Some said it was so hard to come up with something new. I'm grateful I got sleeve. I'm grateful I have food. I'm grateful. But then they just started to notice that they saw more things. Like I'm so grateful I ran into a good friend today and we just had a quick conversation. I'm so grateful my car started. Because in the past it hasn't always started and it just it's pretty powerful.

Alisa [00:24:55] Because it forces you to notice and to look beyond the obvious. Because you do the obvious ones first, right? But then when you've got to write something down in that journal, you start really noticing the good things that you have in your life. I love that. And I think one really effective way with your kids might be to you know, have slips of paper, you know, like a little three by five card. And maybe you assign a colored pen or marker to each one, and every day that week, they were each day they write something down on their card that they're grateful for, and then you put it up on the refrigerator or you tape it up on the wall and you do it a week at a time and the last day of the week, maybe on Sunday as the Sabbath, when when you're taking time to slow down and recount God's goodness and his provision for you, is to look back at that wall and that wall of gratitude. Look at all those good things that happened to you this week. Look at all the good things that happened to him and to her. And wow, we really do have a lot to be grateful. It's a visual reminder that day after day as you pass by that wall or the refrigerator, and then you know that you're gonna have to write something down on that card. So you really start looking for things big, little, obvious, not obvious, but it's a great way to begin cultivating That attitude of gratitude in your kids.

Chris [00:26:26] Man, that's good. That that is that's a great little it's a f it could be a fun game too, right? And then you go point out, ooh, go let's go look at this. Even the little ones can participate, you know. Yes and r write it for them. Yes. No, I love that. You know, there are so many things that I I think some couples and families, you know, start to pick up and do. But these are some specific, you know, really I think helpful practical things that we don't always do great and that's why we're talking about it is but they but they do begin to show up in small ways when you're kid you start to notice, Mom, I'm so grateful. This poor kid, he he struggles in class and I hate math. I'm no good at math. I have to do math. And then I see him and he just he he it's hard and he's not even able to d do well in these other things and so I'm just grateful that even though I'm not great at math, at least I can do some of it. And and I think you know you start to see that when a kid comes and shares that, you're like, Oh god, we're starting to catch this, you know, and and do it. One thing another th thing least that comes to mind for me would be is recognizing that I need to also learn to take the perspective of another person and that I'm not always right m meaning sometimes I think for gratitude I might interpret something as r as messed up or bad or not good. And kind of get stuck there a little bit. Like for example. Well when you're thinking. Yeah, like so for example, I might think that I'm not really grateful that this family member that we have is it always sends out, you know, the worst messages or texts or are always so negative or critical. And one of the things I think th that that to be able to work on that, like let's say there's there's always that troublesome person in our family, you know, or your family or neighbors. And so okay, let's the specific example is this. We have a neighbor had a neighbor that was just so cranky and unc unfriendly. The kids would throw a ball and play baseball and whatever, kickball, and it would go over the fence. Well if it landed in her yard, she just kept it. And she was nagged. She would say, Your kids are throwing balls and it's landing over here in my yard and I don't like that and so eventually she we all kinds of balls disappeared one time because she just kept them. And you know, I think making sure we had our kids understand her perspective, her view and what that was

Alisa [00:29:26] She was as old it was hard for her to go fish it out of the pool. Yeah, it w it was a hardship and you're right.

Chris [00:29:34] And and and you know, y it was easy to see the log in her eye right and point that out and say, Well gosh, yes, she says she's a nice person, but wow, she's so cranky and mean to the kids. But instead I think we had to work on kind of seeing it from her perspective and then what would w what would be a better response than being angry and going and stealing them back at night, you know? So Lisa you you decided, no, I'm gonna send the kids over there, apologize for throwing things over and saying with we're glad you're our neighbor and we're sorry.

Alisa [00:30:13] They took her a little flower.

Chris [00:30:14] And they took her a little bit. You know, that that was seeing from her perspective and saying we're sorry 'cause we know that, you know, we try our best but sometimes it just goes over and we're really sorry and

Alisa [00:30:26] She was just so It changed everything. It changed everything. That one nice gesture changed everything.

Chris [00:30:31] So it's kind of an example of of of teaching and modeling what it means to say, Cosh, aren't we grateful that we have you know, a neighbor that cares that much? Or aren't we grateful that, you know, we can, you know, maybe start to look out for her and see it from her perspective and be nicer and and and she just really was without family. And so when the kids went over there it was like, Oh my gosh.

Alisa [00:30:56] So let me ask this, what are some things that make it hard for us to be grateful?

Chris [00:31:03] Well, I think one thing is I think maybe We w we sometimes see things the way we expect to see and w we see, you know, well, it I never get the best or I'm always mistreated or they're never nice to me. They're never nice to me. And and I guess one thing that we have learned and I th I would challenge I think our listeners to think through is be careful of that log in your eye. When you're interpreting everything that way, that log in the eye analogy is fascinating. It's not a log. I mean, most of the time Jesus used parables, you know, that m made visual sense, right? In a parable, you could see it. But the log in the eye always struck me as I've never seen anybody with a tree in their eye, you know, that's what it means. But what he was saying is that tree is actually a filter. The things that have happened to you, your past, and it's through that filter that you're interpreting other people's behavior as bad or more negative when you yourself, right? But you interpreting through that see the f splinter. Well, what he's I think what he m well one w one thing the way I interpret it would be my log can get in there and block what I see because of my past, my perceptions, my history, my herds. And if somebody was being nice to me I might interpret him as being unkind or criticizing, right? Have you ever had a conversation with somebody, there's three or four of you, and you walk away and you start comparing what just happened and you had completely different perceptions of the other person's niceness or intentions. Like, oh, they were so mean. I can't believe they raised their eyebrow and said this. You're like, Wow, I didn't see that at all. That's the moment to start going, what am I filtering through me? And therefore I think it helps in gratitude is to explore do I sometimes see what I expect to see? Is my filter that I'm being mistreated accurate or not?

Alisa [00:33:14] Wasn't there a study that was done about that that had to do with scars?

Chris [00:33:18] Yeah, in the scar study maybe we've talked about before is right, here's this great little, you know, study in psychology where they put a great big ugly scar on the face of somebody with a makeup artist and then they told these people wearing this scar, look in the mirror and they're like, Oh, that's horrible. They said, Well, yeah, we want you to experience what it's like to have a disability or to be different or to stand out or to have a scar and have to walk around and to see how people treat you differently because of that. They put this scone, they sent people out to the mall to walk around in public for an hour, and they all came back saying almost the same thing. Like almost 95, 100% of them all came back saying, Oh my gosh, I had to walk around with this ugly scar. People just they noticed it and they seemed to be more cold, more distant, more unfriendly, like they were like aloof. Like people have always treated me kind of nice and friendly, and but this time they were like, Oh, take hands off, stay away. This you know, I don't like that. And I felt what it feels like to have this disability. The kicker is of course. Not one of those ninety-five percent, hundred percent of people that felt that, not one of them was actually wearing a scar when they went out in public. Because easy way before they walked out, the makeup artist came over to them and said, Hey, just a second, let me take this scar and put some more glue on it so it stays. And they removed the scar without them knowing. Wait a minute, so now these people walk out with their regular face, and yet they still saw people as more cold, distant, aloof, unfriendly because they were filtering it through this what they perceived to be the scar, but the scar was nowhere but this tree in their eye. There's nowhere but this filter. And they saw what they expected. And it was with their normal face, but they said people were cold, distant, aloof. So were were people, or were you interpreting their behavior more this way? Did you see what you expected to see? How people would treat somebody with a disability? If I'm always interpreting you, Lisa more critically, the question is, is it because you just critical? Or is it sometimes something that I'm going so you know, dealing with and interpreting your behavior, which was an issue for us. I I think at least in that case, really what we have to do when it comes to gratitude is understand and recognize that sometimes I see God, my spouse, my children, myself, through a filter that can be off, leading to a misperception, misunderstanding. God did this. I got this disease, I got this trouble, I have this trouble in marriage, we have this. How can I use this experience or this situation to see your goodness rather than misinterpreting having a wrong perception? Right? Yeah. Yeah. I think it could be a deep way of working on gratitude, of seeing things more clearly then maybe I'm using a filter on.

Alisa [00:37:05] So good. That's so good.

Chris [00:37:07] Right. So anything else you would give parents real quickly to help their kids teach their kids what it means to be great for in this kind of culture?

Alisa [00:37:16] Yeah, so like what w what how help the parent whose kids really aren't grateful? Like imagine that that you're trying to coach your kids but you know, gosh, you you've got one kid that's like, Wow, well, how can they get to go to Disneyland? We don't go to Disneyland. I wanna go to Disneyland. You know, I think one of the things as parents that we can do could be to automatically go to the well, you know, there would be a lot of people that would love to go to Disneyland or that would love to have what you have. You need to be grateful. But I think one of the first things as parents that we need to do is actually validate their perspective first. And and it would be to say, Yeah, you know where I I wish we could go to Disneyland too. That would be so fun. Sometimes I feel a little left out when people get to go do things like that that we can't do. Is that how you're feeling? And to acknowledge that in in the kids so that they're not stuffing their emotions, they're not feeling shame, but you're gently acknowledging it, validating, hey, that's a valid complaint. That's okay, I feel that way too. And then you gently start to coach them to maybe use another filter as you said, that that filter that's saying, you know, it's negative. What's another filter that we could put in which would be to compare to other people that don't have this much. What may be another response?

Chris [00:38:49] I think another well and that that that's a a great example because Lisa I I think that happens so many times in w with our children is they see, you know, something that somebody else gets and before, you know, going to you know let's say w w what's outside of Disneyland, Disney the the that's downtown Disney. Yeah. Before downtown Disney is perfect. And they're enjoying it. That's all you know. And so when we say, Hey, we're going to downtown Disney and we get to go for free and kinda, you know, be on the outskirts and have fun, that's that's great for them. Until they find somebody that gets a family that gets to go inside the park. Right. And then all of a sudden this cucumber, this thing that was good, is now being compared to this great thing, right? So how would you help a kid who's trying and and there and I I think you said at least I think it doing exactly what you said, sitting down and saying, Yeah, it would be good. We would love that. Maybe we should pray that we are able to go do that maybe sometime soon. Let's pray that, you know, maybe we should start a savings account. Maybe we should start saving more money. Maybe we shouldn't do this. You know, maybe we should start thinking through, you know, why do we want to go there so bad? And and maybe you we'll just pray that God allows us a way to do this. Or we would say, Yeah, because we may not ever be able to go there, but what a cool thing that we have to be able to do, you know, these other things. And think about all the kids that don't even have the opportunity to even go to downtown Disney. You know, they live in Lubbock, Texas, and they're rich they could be there. Right? They they they down down Yeah, or or you know, you don't get to go out on that nice boat that you see people on the ocean. But we at least we get to go stand in the sand There are a lot of people in you know, in Iowa that go, Wow man, I wish I could see more than a cornfield sometime. Yeah, that FOMO can be real. Yeah, and I think it can be. So I so I I guess s setting realistic expectations, having your kids set that, avoiding the comparison.

Alisa [00:41:00] Yeah, I think another one and that yeah, this one as well. I think a lot of times our kids aren't grateful because some of the things they have are they take 'em for granted. Oh yeah. Right? They take 'em for granted. They don't treat them well. Like, yeah, they just don't treat yeah, they broken, they don't take care of them and they take it for granted. And so then maybe a natural consequence to help them see the value of what they have is to actually put a pause on using it and remove that privilege for a little while. And that's never pleasant. That's not gonna be fun. But boy, you can complain about that you have a flip phone instead of a smartphone and then you lose your flip phone for two weeks. It's like I have any phone. Yeah, I mean we can be really grateful. I have anything. And so the natural consequences in certain in certain circumstances would be very effective.

Chris [00:41:59] No, I love that. Oh, I I think that's a great way. I think you're you're so good at that with our kids. And sometimes you see kids, you know, they have fifteen toys and they play with this and this, but that one kid that grabs one toy to play with suddenly the other kid wants it, right? And I think that's that's kind of where you navigate how to parent and helping them recognize, hold on here now.

Alisa [00:42:23] Well although I was gonna say if it Let's go back to the really practical aspects of this. We kinda s touched on this a little bit. You talked about having them create the gratitude journal. I talked about having them write something on a card that they're thankful for and for the week. Just start lining those up under their names, you know, along the wall so they can see the things that are really cool that that they have that's going on in their lives. I think another really powerful tool of teaching your your children gratitude is writing thank you notes.

Speaker 6 [00:42:59] Yeah, that's a good

Alisa [00:42:59] And maybe each week it's just you know, picking somebody in their life that has done something for them. Maybe it's a certain teacher. Yeah. Maybe you really like your math teacher. Sure. For some kids that really get into math and they appreciate. So yeah, let's take a moment and let's write a thank you note to your teacher. Oh, we had fun that you're playing baseball, you had a great time. Let's tell your coach you think he's so great. Let's write it down and let's tell him and let's give a thank you note. You got that gift for your birthday from your grandparent. Great. Let's be sure. First thing we're gonna sit down and write a really nice thank you note. Because that is something that they are gonna take throughout life is that that was art of writing a thank you note. And is it it's something they're gonna need to learn and be disciplined about doing that. But it also helps them think about what cool things, cool people do I have in my life.

Chris [00:43:58] No, that's great. I love that. And and and I think another practical thing, you know, the writing in the notes is just so it's easy to do, right? It's a s it's an you can do an email or a text or write a card to somebody. You know, a final one that I think of Lise, that really was powerful for us and our family, even for me, you know, sometimes like a a holiday is coming up and you have expectations of oh, what it's gonna be like and the food and And and maybe it doesn't turn out as great. Yeah. May maybe you didn't get the your favorite side dessert that you always get.

Alisa [00:44:36] Although activity didn't turn out as fun as you thought it was gonna be.

Chris [00:44:41] Well, one of the things that we were able to do for a while there with our church was to serve during the day of Thanksgiving people that were homeless and being able to go work and provide Thanksgiving meals for people that didn't have a home, didn't have a place to cook. And I I just remember the effect it had. It really changed how grateful I was for what I had when you work with those that you were able to go and and volunteer in a homeless ministry and you're gonna change your sense of gratitude. Your kids are gonna probably not complain so much about turkey or mashed potatoes or not having whatever when they're able to go and do some work with people that are in that situation less fortunate. What a transformative thing for a family is to volunteer, you know, to give away you know, Christmas gifts to kids that really don't get Christmas gifts, right? And children, that's a really part of it is and you fill that shoe box. The shoebox of goods kinda go, Well, I was complaining 'cause I got a flip phone instead of an iPhone. I got the iPhone thirteen instead of the iPhone seventeen. And then all of a sudden they're realizing there are kids who don't even get gifts. And we go participate as a family to fill this up. And I think that increases gratitude for kids and it models, you know, how to do that.

Alisa [00:46:11] I love that. And you know, I think of one more that's really easy to do. I would say like for this next week. Instead of whenever you're out and about doing things even at home, instead of using the phrase thank you, change it to I'm grateful. Just like you go to the counter to pick up you fast food and you take it, you say thank you. Instead you say, I'm grateful. Thank you for serving

Chris [00:46:38] Yeah. For this food.

Alisa [00:46:40] Yeah, they're d thanks for picking up my clothes out of the floor, Mom. It's you know what? I'm grateful, Mom. I'm grateful you picked up my clothes.

Chris [00:46:48] So you said because it it we sometimes use the word thank you for just a throw.

Alisa [00:46:53] Really it's a nicety and it's a throwaway in that we just know the say, but we don't really it doesn't engage our heart and our mind.

Chris [00:47:01] Changing up these statements.

Alisa [00:47:04] And change it to I'm grateful and do it. Challenge your kids to do it for a whole week. You do it for a whole week. And then at the end of the week come back and say, Okay, what was that like for you to change that? What what was your experience as you changed think each time grateful? Why and then process that with them. That's a great conversation.

Chris [00:47:22] It is. What a good one to have with your family, your kids, all of these little takeaways. Well, hey, thanks for joining us on this Art of Relationship podcast. I think it's been awesome to it's yeah, it's a great question that we got to address. How do we teach our kids gratitude, especially in a culture like this where it's so full of things and

Alisa [00:47:42] And I think w what you know, we're to we're teaching them and teaching our kids it doesn't have to be perfect. It doesn't have to you don't have to have that perfect holiday. You have to have the perfect gift. You don't have to be perfect, you just have to be intentional. And think about it. Engage your heart and your mind in what you're saying and doing. And that'll that will go a long way to combating that sense of entitlement.

Speaker 6 [00:48:05] Well, I'll tell you what, I'm grateful for Tatum who runs all of this podcast from behind the scenes.

Chris [00:48:12] It keeps it keeps the cameras rolling, keeps the batteries charged, keeps the microphones plugged in, polishes. She gives some fair fair fair you for our listeners and and so you can check us out at cmr.biola.edu/podcast if you want or just order the auto relationship on any device platform and platform.

Alisa [00:48:43] So thanks.

Mandy [00:48:44] For being here. We're grateful for you.

Speaker 6 [00:48:45] Yeah, great fan.

Mandy [00:48:48] We're very glad you joined us for today's podcast. For more resources on marriage and healthy relationships, please visit our website at cmr.biola.edu. We'll see you next time on The Art of Relationships.