In this episode, Chris and Alisa Grace explore how Christian parents can thoughtfully approach the topic of Santa Claus while keeping Christ at the center of Christmas. They discuss the history and cultural role of Santa, research on child development and imagination, concerns about honesty and trust, and several practical approaches Christian families take. They also offer guidance for building Christ-centered traditions that nurture wonder, generosity, and spiritual formation in children.

Whether you're navigating this question with toddlers, teens, grandchildren, or extended family, this episode provides wisdom, reassurance, and practical rhythms to keep Christmas meaningful and Christ-focused.

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About the Hosts:

Chris Grace, Ph.D., and Alisa Grace are passionate about helping people build and sustain healthy relationships. As leaders of the Biola University Center for Marriage and Relationships, they combine the wisdom of Scripture with scholarly research to offer practical advice and insights. Learn more about their work at cmr.biola.edu.

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Alisa [00:00:00] What do we do with Santa? You know, it's a question that many Christian parents wrestle with every December. So should we let our kids believe in him? Will we be lying to them if we do? Are we setting them up for disappointment? Or are we missing an opportunity to really celebrate joy and imagination?

Chris [00:00:18] Yeah, you know in today's episode we'll dive into how Christian parents can approach the Santa conversation with wisdom, intention, and grace. We'll explore the history of Saint Nicholas, the value of cultivating wonder, importance of telling the truth, and then how to kick Christ at the center of our holiday traditions.

Alisa [00:00:35] And also whether you're trying to decide what to tell your toddler or maybe you're revisiting old traditions with your teens, this episode will help you approach a conversation in a way that really fosters trust, it nurtures imagination, and it points your children to the true joy of Christmas, Jesus. Stick around.

Mandy [00:00:56] Welcome to the Art of Relationships. This podcast is produced by the Biola University Center for Marriage and Relationships. Let's get right into it.

Chris [00:01:07] Well, Elise, it's a great topic. Because we're coming up to the holidays and the topic of course is really the big topic is Christmas. The birth of Jesus. Let's be clear. This is what the holiday is. You know, a lot of people, you know, out there today that maybe aren't religious, secularists, whatever, just think it's a season. It's a cultural thing.

Alisa [00:01:29] Right. It's a season of warmth and love and dreaming and magical, right? And those are awesome.

Chris [00:01:37] And we are going to recognize right up front that this is about the celebration of the birth of Jesus that was described in Luke and in the Gospels as the most significant moment in time. It's when everything transformed. Other than the crucifixion and the teachings of Jesus, the birth is to me by far the biggest miracle that is out there, the one that transformed everything. Jesus born as a babe, God becoming flesh. Right.

Alisa [00:02:18] Amazing thing to celebrate. It's incredible. And as Christian parents, the the question is always going to be, how do we pass this on to our kids? Because within our culture, there is the celebration and the the the attitude of as Santa and reindeer and magic and and just a it's a really fun imaginative holiday. And so how do we as Christian parents balance that? How do we approach this issue of Santa? Because there's a couple of ways that that you can approach it. And so what do you think?

Chris [00:02:56] Chris. Well, I mean, I guess we could talk personally how we did this. Lisa, you celebrated and and believed in Santa. I know I certainly did. And in most places where there's that Christmas tradition, people do believe in Santa, kids do. Now, what's I think interesting, Lise, is that it almost always comes with the understanding that everywhere you look at children throughout the world, it's the age of around seven that children begin to show that they no longer believe. They report they no longer believe in Santa. Sometimes eight, sometimes nine. You could be old. Rarely is it four or five year olds, but they start to get a little suspicious. But in almost everywhere we go, so that sets up one weird thing. Here's this supernatural. Right? A Santa that knows everything, goes everywhere, and has a list of who's naughty and who's nice. And so the question is always for Christians all right, you believed in Santa, I believed in Santa. What's the relationship between Santa and God? Right in a kid's mind, here's the supernatural being that has the knowledge of everything. Probably that question. Is something that at the end of the day we find fairly minor as far as impacting children's belief in God later on if they believe in Santa at the very early stages.

Mandy [00:04:35] Okay.

Chris [00:04:35] So the argument goes like this. If a child, one perspective would be, well, if a child believes in this all-knowing being that travels everywhere, knows who's naughty, knows who's nice, and then rewards or punishes us, could that make them, when they find out he is not real at the age of seven, make them less likely to believe in God or less likely to trust their parents?

Mandy [00:05:04] Yeah.

Chris [00:05:04] Right? So for you, let me ask you this. You believed in Santa, I believed in Santa. Did it have any impact for you on whether or not you believed God was real or Jesus was real when you found out Santa wasn't real?

Alisa [00:05:18] No, it it didn't. And I think that's because my parents did a really good job of making sure that we understood that Christmas was about Jesus' birth. And so even though we, you know, we left the cookies out for Santa, we watched the Santa movies. And I can even remember being little and I have an older sister. She's three years older. And I can remember on Christmas Eve when we would be going to bed, because we shared a room, I I can so totally remember her looking out the window and going, Liz, I see Santa. Is he a slave? Do you see him? And I'd run to the window and I'd be looking at trying so hard to see him. And I never could see him. I'm like, darn it, how the how come she gets to see it? But I can't. But yeah, there was that aspect of it and the presents, the Christmas tree, everything like that. But every single Christmas we also went to church. We there there was a beautiful nativity scene. There was like a big party, fussy little thing out on the church lawn with hot chocolate and treats and and like a live nativity scene. And so we did that every year. That was part of our traditions. And so while there was this magical, surreal side, there was also this very realistic aspect of it. That was always part of it. And so as we began to discover that, oh, Santa's not real, we still had that grounding that Jesus is.

Chris [00:06:54] Yeah, at least that's great. And and see, I think this is the the the the beginning question, the middle for me and and the ending. And it's this. It's what you said. Should parents talk about Santa? Should and and we'll talk about that. Should they encourage their children to believe in Santa? Should i is it going to harm them when they find out that he's not real and the parents have been lying to them? D w will they mistake and now throw out mistake the connection between Santa and God, and when they throw out Santa, they throw out God. Will they miss the purpose and the focus of the season if they concentrate too much on Jesus? I mean, that's why this all matters. Sure. Sometimes parents are at you know, wondering, what do I do with him? What do I say? How do I do this? I would say this is the answer, and it's what you said. One, there is no harm in studies that have said and shown and looked at, will a s will a child carry emotional distrust and grin into their teen and adult years because their parents lied to them. The answer is we don't find evidence for that. But there's none. There might be a one-os? Yeah, there's always the yeah, there might be a one-off, let's say. Secondly no. And I think this is it. That when you tie in all of the cultural phenomenon, all of that is meaningless. Without the purpose or the reason for the season which your church, your parents, even mine, who were not religious in any sort, we knew kind of something was a pretty important about Christmas. And it was something to do with Jesus being born and something to do in all the carols. When that connection is tied in, my personal opinion, and I'll let you share yours, is that there is no reason to tell a two-year-old or a four-year-old there is no such thing as Santa if they hear it and they believe it and all their friends believe it. Provided provided that there's also accompanying that all of the importance from why Christians celebrate this day. And Santa could be a part of it and an interesting part of it. And so long as they see the reason like you said.

Alisa [00:09:21] Yeah, and so we actually did an informal poll with some parents of young kids that are Christians, really solid believers, and found out that there's a couple of a different approaches that that these families are doing. So one approach is, you know, they have young kids like under I think two under age five. And so one thing they do is they just don't really talk about Santa that much. It's not they said the kids aren't really that aware because they're still young. They don't really push the Santa Claus narrative and so their kids aren't asking about it, so they just don't really do Santa. Like they're not opposed to it, but they just don't push it with them. So that's one yeah, one approach. A second approach would be probably something similar to what we did where they they incorporate Santa into the Christian narrative. And so one thing that we did when our kids were really little is we did do Santa, but we did it from the approach that yes, Santa, you know, is magical. He has his sleigh on Christmas Eve, he comes down the chimney and we would leave the milk and the cookies for Santa, the carrots for the reindeer. But the idea that we that we approached it with was but he is bringing us gifts. To celebrate Jesus' birthday because Christmas is really about celebrating Jesus. And so we would even oftentimes have a happy birthday Jesus cake that we would use on Christmas morning or with Christmas lunch. And so the kids were very involved in, you know, picking out the cake. They saw that there's a birthday cake, they know who it's for. And so we really integrated it. But then there's also a a third perspective, which is we are not doing Santa. We really feel like that's being dishonest with our kids. And so we were choosing to tell our kids from the beginning, if they bring it up that Santa's not real. Some kids believe in it, but and you don't want to tell the kids that believe them. Yeah. But we really just want to build a foundation of trust with our kids from the very beginning. And really, you know, in our family, they're they're one of those three all over the place. Sure. And so I think the point is that there's not really a cookie cutter formula, like if you're really good, solid Christian parents, this is the way you do it. Yeah. I think there's a way that there's freedom within the culture that that we live in.

Chris [00:12:02] Sure. Yeah, no, that's good. And I I I think you're right. Those those are the three kind of perspectives that people have, right? I guess the fourth would be the cycle. Yeah, he's real, he's there. You know, they don't they don't really talk about God, they don't really care, you know, exactly. Yeah. So the others are just, you know, on the far extreme. Yeah. You know, the same analogy applies to the Easter bunny, right? During Easter Fairy. It applies to the tooth fairy. And so a lot of the par parents on one side or the other, you know, if you're on one extreme, you're gonna also say, Well, we don't talk about the Easter bunny, we don't celebrate, you know, b with the eggs. We're going to focus on the cross or something of that sort. Or the tooth fairy. Nobody comes to steal your teeth and give you money. And because many of them believe, oh, well, then I don't want them to believe a lie and and right. And so again, we're going back to a crux of an issue for some parents, and and landing on either all those, you know, it probably works in your family. For us, the magic, the the the the traditions, the culture, the fun, the wonder, the imagination. I think for a wonder and for imagination for kids, you know, you could do it in a way. And again, I'm gonna tell you as a psychologist, most research finds that children who believe, you know, in the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy and Santa Claus. Do not carry with them long-term emotional damage or the fear that their parents are now going to lie to them and they've lied about everything else and they no longer you know believe in adults and they're they're you know they lack trust now. It's we just don't find that. It's just their their brains aren't really designed that way for some reason that still at five, six, that that information gets sorted by themselves and they kind of go, oh, my parents were enjoying this with

Alisa [00:13:59] So Chris, if if we have parents that are listening that really want to keep Christ at the center of Christmas in the midst of whether or not they do Santa. Yeah. What are some ways and and some opportunities that we can offer our listeners to really keep the focus on Jesus?

Chris [00:14:17] I think you you coming into our marriage and raising our children was I mean, you did that wonderfully. I mean, to me, the the magic, the excitement of you know, that Christmas morning and what it means and how Santa comes with his reindeers and it was just a fun experience for everybody. And it also got them to bed a little bit earlier. We'll talk about that in a minute. Does believing in Santa and he has the naughty and nice list help kids act more pro-social, more altruistic later on? And I'll tell you some research on that one. But you did it so well, and it was always a celebration. So I think for a Christian parent out there or Christian parents that are wondering, how do I keep how how can we keep the magic? Yeah, but keep Christ in it is is do little things like know the reason why and keep talking about Christmas is about the birth of somebody named Jesus 2,000 years ago. And and in Christian belief, it was God's son sent here on earth. And then read the stories in the gospel of the birth of Jesus, read the people that were there and read it to your kids. Read it in the you know, in a kids' version Bible and keep that the focus. Have a birthday cake for Jesus. Why do I give gifts? Why does Santa give gifts? To celebrate Jesus' birth. That to me is how you keep Jesus in this Christ in the sea.

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Alisa [00:16:44] So you keep you never let Santa overtake the importance of Jesus being the reason for the season, as we say. And then you were mentioning the the importance of building traditions, the kind of traditions. You mentioned reading the nativity story, which we did every Christmas morning before we opened gifts. We would you would take the Bible and we would all sit around and you would read the Christmas story.

Chris [00:17:11] To this day, right? Now that we have even grandkids, you know, it's that same thing.

Alisa [00:17:17] That's how we do Christmas. That's it. But but another tradition might be that you follow an advent calendar. Yeah. That that focuses on this the spiritual aspect of Christmas. And maybe another one is I would say just inviting your kids into the process. Maybe get them to retell the story. Maybe they play, you know, they have parts of the story.

Chris [00:17:43] Activity story or something.

Alisa [00:17:46] But helping them really focusing on the idea, I think the third one that Jesus is the reason for the season.

Chris [00:17:54] Yeah. Well, at least I think that's exactly a great one. You know, the the a fourth one you could do is you you put in worship, you know, with other believers, you know, in church and and like you said, at your church they did it well, our church they do it well. You know, they the the this whole notion of what the Christmas is about and the reason we celebrate. Many, many churches do this well. That keeps the focus on this. And then of course, you know, getting back to the traditions, you know, why decorate a Christmas tree? Why do we put up, you know, bulbs and lights? And, you know, yeah, it it it's why do we put a you know, burn the Yule log if anybody still does that? I I don't know where the Ewell logs really came from, but I do know that all of that points back to the serious, important mode of that day.

Alisa [00:18:47] Yeah, I think like what you're talking about is that there are some devotionals about the Christmas tree that are out there. The the evergreen is God ever lasting love. It never dies. That it points towards heaven. There are a couple of other things in there, but even like the candy canes that the str red and white stripes of the candy cane, that the red represents Christ's blood and white represents the forgiveness of our sins, the washing of our sins and the purity that he so there's a lot of of devotionals on Christmas that you can integrate into the fo that focus on your decorations that you use at Christmas.

Chris [00:19:29] I see, at least I love that idea that you can take these traditions because most of them were probably started by those who accepted the reality that God was real and Jesus came. And so the, you know, the the candy canes and the the evergreen trees and their significance. And I love the Advent calendar that you mentioned, right? Just being able to celebrate all of those things and point to it. So here's where we're at, I think, for parents. Probably most of you out there probably grew up believing in a Santa, and most of you are probably just fine. You still love your parents, you still believe in Jesus, and Santa didn't distract from you. There's that that you know, one or two examples. Well, I never trusted my parents from the age of six on because they lied to me about so many things, and therefore I God can't be real. No parents. Well, we just don't find those many people out there in the world. Yeah. But I, you know, there might be some. But what we do know is that most children hold on to the wonderment and the amazement of the season. And they hold on to that with in high regard. Really, what it is is if you do this well, it's a time of family, it's a time of connecting, it's a time of gratitude. It's taking Thanksgiving and saying, we're so grateful for what God has done. But in celebration of this amazing thing and gratitude to God, we give gifts to each other to celebrate that. Because and and to me, that's where the wonder and the amazement and the fun comes in. Sienta is really now. This is from a psychological perspective. It really is not an issue that we have found. Now, theologically, is it an issue? I don't think so, but there are theologians out there and others who go, Well, you shouldn't do this. It's a, you know, Saint Nick was a you know, a bad character, and he just comes to do naughty and nice, and it it disrupts their view of God. All right, that's possible.

Alisa [00:21:37] We just don't see it psychologically in the research.

Chris [00:21:42] Doesn't show that at all. That does leave though this idea of parents that do do this and make a good connection to the purpose, the meaning, even the history of what we believe. That's awesome. Right? And so Lisa, I think for us, what about for parents? I mean, for those out there, I I guess another way of saying this is just don't worry if if all of a sudden, you know, you've raised kids with Santa and people are telling you how bad it is, I'm telling you take a little grace with this. You did okay. Yeah. And you still like to celebrate it.

Alisa [00:22:23] Yeah. And if you want to change the way you do, that's okay too. It's not too late. You can, you know, change the direction that you want to go in regard with Santa. But I think one of the ways that that we can really focus on Christ as a center of Christmas, that one of the traditions might be participating and serving others and getting your kids involved in that, whether you're doing, you know, like a soup kitchen or or doing something like the the angel tree where you buy gifts for the children whose parents are in prison or their shoeboxes of love that they send those shoe boxes all over the world. But you get your children involved with selecting the gift and the things that go in the shoebox and then as you wrap it, you pray. I invite your kids, you know, w as we wrap this, we've got it all wrapped. Let's dedicate this box to the Lord and let's pray for the child who's going to receive it, that they would know the real reason and receive the greatest gift of all, which is Jesus and forgiveness of our sins and eternal life with him in heaven.

Chris [00:23:39] And so many churches, Lisa, do the Ju Buongs thing and they put in and the angel tree. And the angel tree and they put in just things that are the reason and purpose along with the gift. Or through your own community. Yeah.

Alisa [00:23:52] Maybe it's like, hey, contacting your church. Who are some families in our church that are having financial hardship? And how can our family help them? And then sharing with your kids, you know, there's a family in our church that doesn't have as much as we have. And so we want to be a blessing to them. And so let's go, you know, whatever we're gonna do and let's pray for this family and let's turn the focus off of what are we getting and what's on our wish list and and all the wonderful things that that are directed toward us and turn their eyes off of themselves onto others. How can we serve? How can we benefit others this Christmas? I love that.

Chris [00:24:33] That that's that that's a that's a way of looking out and and seeing a way to to not only express gratitude but to act and behave.

Alisa [00:24:43] Really? That's that self centeredness that can that Christmas can foster if all we do is focus on what's on my gift list? What am I gonna get?

Chris [00:24:52] Yeah, and there's one other little kind of twist, maybe maybe a switch, and it goes like this for me. And and and I'm gonna say it's it's related to one of my favorite Christmas carols, and it's about the little drummer boy. And what that thing signifies to me is here's yeah again, a made up, I'm sure, story along the way. But I love the fact that he came with his only, he didn't have a gift for Jesus. He didn't have money, he didn't have, but he had time, but he also used what he had. His talent, his one talent to worship the God who became flesh, and he worshiped him in his own way. So one of the things you could do as parents is say, what gifts are you have? What's your gift? It's not gift giving is one thing, but you also have a gift. What is that gift? I'm wondering what and you start asking your children. I wonder how God is going to use your gift to be able to worship him. You're so sweet with your friends. I wonder if being sweet for your friends, being kind, looking out for the one that is left alone in the room, and you go hug him and talk to him and befriends him. That's a gift that God is giving you. And in exercising that gift, you're bringing the true worship to the God of heaven, right? It's not worshiping a baby that we're really, you know, that the birth. We're worshiping a savior, we're worshiping a God, worship a God who gives us an identity, gifts us, gifts us with a certain kind of. Personality, uniqueness that we can use to bring glory to him and bring worship to our God by exercising the thing that makes us all unique. That's the ultimate gift, right? And for a drummer boy who's just playing the drums, but I love the idea of whatever you have. You give that gift to God, and you're going to do the perfect thing of celebrating and worshiping the king of all kings, the Lord of all lords, who happened to be born in a probably you know, in a stable. Who knows? He's probably born in a manger. I don't know, but he was certainly born. And that the one who eventually died for our sins is the most powerful thing about this season.

Alisa [00:27:12] Amen. Boy, y you couldn't have put it any better, Chris. I love that.

Chris [00:27:16] What what would you say? Do you have any final thoughts or encouragement?

Alisa [00:27:20] Do one thing that came into mind as we approach this topic as it as grandparents or as family members who might differ from other family members and how they approach it is to remember we're not gonna we're not gonna compare, we're not going to, you know, induce guilt, especially if if your your kids, your adult kids are approaching it differently than we did as parents, right? If they want to choose to do something different with their grandkids, first of all, we want to make sure that we honor that and that we don't go around them and try to infuse our perspective over theirs because that's that's just gonna cause problems with your adult kids. So you wanna want to honor the way they approach it.

Chris [00:28:14] It's really hard because I know I'm right and and I'm all and they're wrong and I'm like, dude, wake up listen to me.

Alisa [00:28:22] We did it right. Well, and I think grand that can be a real, a real, I don't know, temptation as grandparents because it almost makes you feel like your kids are judging you that you did it the wrong way. I see. But you know, let's give our kids our we did it the way we wanted to with our kids. Let's let our adult kids that are parents do the way they feel is right before the Lord with their kids and let's honor them in their way that they do it.

Chris [00:28:50] No, that's great. Love that. I think this is it's a fun topic and I'm here to assure parents, trust me, your kids are gonna be just fine and when they find out the truth. They all do. Some even some believe until, you know, maybe middle school or high school, but most of the time peers, friends, they they dissuade them of that and kids are like, Wait a minute, I was just

Alisa [00:29:12] Oh man, by first grade there's always some cat that's there that tells everybody in their class. Chad is his name and it's just

Chris [00:29:21] Stop the madness, Mr. Karen. So yeah, don't be a Chad. But but but then again, all these kids, they they they eventually figured this out. Lisa, some closing encouragement for this. What do you think? What would you say?

Alisa [00:29:33] Yeah, I think for for parents, no matter which way you decide to go, whether you're going full blown on the Santa aspect of Christmas, or whether you're gonna choose to really keep it just Christ centered, or maybe you're gonna do a little bit of both. No matter what you do, we I think we just want to focus on building a a culture of warmth, of family, of imagination, of worship, of togetherness as we focus on Christ and Christmas.

Chris [00:30:07] Yeah, I think that's awesome. I I couldn't say it any better. That's the encouragement. So if you have questions you disagree, write us at Biol University and send your notes to Eric Tonas or Sean McGarrell or Matt Williams, professors here. Don't ask us. I'm a psychologist for heaven's sake. But no, do this one thing, and that is focus on the the reason and the purpose of why we celebrate and why we're together. Incorporate what you just said as an encouragement and you won't go wrong. That's right.

Alisa [00:30:41] That's right. Okay. So Merry Christmas as you get ready to set your own traditions and approaches. And we're really glad that you joined us today on the Art of Relationships. If you would like some more information on parenting, family, marriage, whatever, check out our website. We have so many free resources at cmr.biola.edu. Anything else, Chris?

Chris [00:31:08] As well, if you have gifts that you believe you want to use to honor God and worship, we send 'em our way. Of any kind, any sort, even if it's money, we'll we'll do it. We are we are donor based ministry. We are. And we function because of so many people out there who have said, I want to support this ministry. I love this ministry because they bring God, they bring Jesus to the world and to marriages and relationships. And that's what we do. It's been fun because it's this season is awesome. It's an awesome time of giving. Enjoy it. Merry Christmas.

Alisa [00:31:44] Yeah, we'll see you next time on the Art of Relationship.

Mandy [00:31:47] Bye. We're very glad you joined us for today's podcast. For more resources on marriage and healthy relationships, please visit our website at cmr.biola.edu. We'll see you next time on The Art of Relationships.