In this episode, Chris and Alisa Grace explore how to set and maintain healthy boundaries in dating relationships. They discuss the importance of emotional, physical, and spiritual boundaries, how to talk about them early on, and what to do if those boundaries have already been crossed—providing practical insights and tips to help you date with wisdom, clarity, and intentionality. Whether you're dealing with dating relationships, friendships, or mentoring others in their relationships, this episode offers valuable advice to improve your relationships.

Resources Mentioned:

• Too Much, Too Soon: Setting Emotional Boundaries in Dating – A blog by Alisa Grace offering practical wisdom on emotional vulnerability and pacing in relationships.
• Ron Blue Trust – A financial planning resource that offers biblically-based strategies for unity, stewardship, and generosity.
• The Art of Relationships YouTube Channel – Watch helpful videos on emotional bonding, relational psychology, and more.

Connect with Us:

• Website: cmr.biola.edu
• Facebook: facebook.com/biolacmr
• Instagram: instagram.com/biolacmr
• YouTube: www.youtube.com/@biola-cmr

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About the Hosts:
Chris Grace, Ph.D., and Alisa Grace are passionate about helping people build and sustain healthy relationships. As leaders of the Biola University Center for Marriage and Relationships, they combine the wisdom of Scripture with scholarly research to offer practical advice and insights. Learn more about their work at cmr.biola.edu.

Mandy [00:00:01] Welcome to The Art of Relationships. This podcast is produced by the Biola University Center for Marriage and Relationships Let's get right into it.

Chris [00:00:11] Well, welcome to another art of relationships podcast. Thank you guys for listening and finding this. I'm sure you found it on Spotify, cmr.biola.edu, wherever you found them. We're glad you did. Cause today, Alisa, we're gonna talk about a topic especially relevant for those that are in dating relationships. And we get this question a lot in dating relationships and that is about boundaries, right? should they and what kind of boundaries should they have emotionally, physically, spiritually? And then what practical steps can someone take if they've either exceeded those boundaries or they're about to start dating and they want to get ahead of this, what are some practical things they can do? But these are great questions and it starts with things like this, at least someone you know, has asked us and written in and said It's awkward when we're first starting to date to talk about boundaries. And it was like a question, like, it's kind of awkward, right? How do we do that? And what's the, how do I bring this up ahead of time? So it's not awkward. And I think what's interesting, Lisa, is we had this conversation while we were dating and it was all for you and you're the one that had to bring it up.

Alisa [00:01:37] That's right. In fact, well, because Chris and I dated long distance the whole time, from the day we met until the day we got married. He was in Colorado. I was in Texas. And so when you would come and visit on weekends, I mean, our time together was pretty intense. And it was interesting, because we met in April. And by October, you still hadn't kissed me. And I was wondering. What the heck is going on? Because, you know, my mom was saying, did he kiss you yet? My sister was saying did he Kiss you yet. My best friend is saying did you kiss you?

Chris [00:02:15] Neighbors watching us out in the front are wondering...

Alisa [00:02:18] Yeah, and so I just said, no, and I don't know why. And I remember you bringing it up one night and we were sitting in the car in our driveway.

Chris [00:02:31] Probably one.

Alisa [00:02:31] on 78th Street in Lubbock, Texas. And you said, you're probably wondering why I haven't kissed you yet. And I said, yes, as a matter of fact, me and several other important people in my life are wondering that same thing. And what you said at that time was so impressive to me because I'd never had a relationship like this before. And remember you saying, I've really made a commitment with the Lord. that the next time I say I kiss a girl, is the day I'm able to say I love you, will you marry me? And I think you could have picked my jaw up off the floor. It's like I dreamed about guys like you, but I had never met a guy like you before. And I thing because of that, I felt so protected. I felt, so special. And it made me feel like you were so serious about me and wanting to protect me and what we had that you didn't want to do anything to ruin that. And so that was our de facto, at least a physical boundary that we had.

Chris [00:03:48] Yeah, I think it was the physical boundary, at least, that set up, you know, the other boundary and the other boundaries. Now I think, Lisa, you telling that story helps set up how we're going to answer some of these questions. Knowing full well that that is not something to be universally applied for everyone, right? We have to be in a situation where yeah, we did see each other for long extended periods of time, but that was only over three, four days.

Alisa [00:04:21] Yeah, living in different states, the majority of our time made that a little bit easier. Not completely easy. No, because... That it was easier.

Chris [00:04:28] Yeah, it was easier. And, you know, relatively speaking, you know, while we weren't 17 and 18, you know, we were, I don't know, I was 50, 60, 50.

Alisa [00:04:42] You're still young though. I was like 21 and you were 24, 25.

Chris [00:04:46] 24 or something, whatever, and we had both, like you said, experienced the pain when boundaries went across or crossed. And so, but it just wasn't out of the blue where a decision, you know, that I had made and talked to you and you agreed right away, like, that's awesome. Let's do that. At least that's what you said on the outside but on the inside what your mom told you I think your mom said Well, you kiss him. Do you remember that?

Alisa [00:05:23] Yeah, she did. She said, you hold his hand first, you kiss him. It's like, Mom, I can't do that. Do you remember, though, when we started writing back and forth? I can read, we have our whole courtship, our whole dating life in a shoebox and our letters back and forward.

Chris [00:05:42] Yeah, if they call it an iPhone, it would be rare.

Alisa [00:05:46] Yeah, we didn't have email or whatever, but we have every card, every letter in chronological order saved in that shoebox, and it's so precious. But I can just go back to that moment in time when we were first getting to know each other and dating as much as you can, being, you know, however hundreds of miles away from each other, but I remember getting. every card and every letter that you would send to me. And I would read it, and I would read it over and over and over, and every time, I'm just, I'm trying to decipher every phrase, every word, and read between the lines. And I was trying to assess, does he like me? Does he not like me, is he interested, is he not interested? And, you know, does he like as much as I like him? And, and what I, I think looking back on that, well now I can sit down and read those letters and I'm like, oh my gosh, it's so obvious you were so in love with me. You were in love me. I had questions about that and I also know that I think what I was doing is I was putting up some pretty putting in place some pretty strong emotional boundaries because I had been hurt in the past and I didn't want to be hurt again and I did want to let it get ahead of me and let my heart get too far out there. And so I put up some pretty strong emotional boundary switch. I think we're really healthy.

Chris [00:07:23] Yeah, and if you're familiar with your stereotype of Texas, a boundary is usually an electric fence or barbed wire. And I'd step in and, okay, I'm not going to do that again. Just teasing, you had this, you know, appropriate boundaries and we set up emotional ones. We talked about physical, we talked about spiritual, right? deep so so again our situation is unique some of you are probably finding yourself, you know, in a place where you're dating for a long time. You have a boundary, but for many couples, many couples those start to fade a little bit. We cross them just a little

Alisa [00:08:16] And I think even some couples, Chris, they don't have some strong boundaries in place from the beginning. And so even from just right out the gate, they are going from like zero to a hundred a lot faster than they should.

Chris [00:08:33] Okay, so let's break those down. The ones that are in both of those situations are somewhere in between. Let's break them down. Probably the easiest that's concrete anyway would be the physical boundaries, right? We could talk about what's a good physical boundary to have in a dating relationship. When should you talk about it? How far is too far? And can you get back? From going too far, let's use a scale, all right? Scale zero, you're holding hands. Okay, let' do zero. You're not even touching. You've never touched them. No physical touch whatsoever. That's pretty rare. One, you start holding hands, two, you are hugging and starting to kiss. All the way to 10, you sleeping together, okay? So let's us that scale. Okay. In my mind, that scale, is a good gage of, all right, well, what am I comfortable with, right? No lying down, we keep our clothes on at all times, no touching underneath the clothes, you know? Or on top. Or, yeah, or on top of the clothes. And those boundaries, you probably need to decide now before, even if you're in a relationship, what are you both comfortable with? Here's the problem that we find. One person is oftentimes more comfortable going to a six, and the other person feels guilty whenever they do and they wanna leave it at a three. Well, all right then, I think what you do is you default immediately to the lowest number. Whatever is the most comfortable for the person that is at the lowest numbers, that's where you should end up. Okay, so setting them is maybe the easy part. Yeah. Would you agree, I mean, you sit down, how do you set them? Well, you go before the Lord, you talk about it. How much do you want to have this boundary haunt you in the future? So if you say, oh, I'm comfortable with the seven or eight, and then you think, all right, this person I may not marry, what about my future spouse? Will they be comfortable that I went with the 7 or 8? Would I be comfortable? But yeah, there's somebody out there in the world that knows about me in a sexual way, physical way, and am I comfortable with that? So go before the Lord, figure out where you want to be on that zero to ten.

Alisa [00:10:58] Yeah. And I think we would even counsel people to do that before you're in a dating relationship and really process that with the Lord. Lord, what would be honoring to you? What would be honoring to my future boyfriend or girlfriend, my future spouse? And what would it be honoring to me? And really sitting with the lord in that and maybe actually even putting it to in paper because when you write it down It's much more concrete and then you get together with a friend and maybe hold each other accountable to that. And so I think that's some of the groundwork that we miss laying, that too many couples miss laying before they're ever even in a relationship.

Chris [00:11:41] Yeah, and so remember the zeros, as far as what in the past, in our recent past, a lot of people called, oh, purity, what rings or, you know, you make this decision to have no contact whatsoever until the, you know until the day of Mary. It's probably a little bit extreme for us, right, even though We did something similar. We held hands and hugged. However. I think there could be just as likelihood of not setting a boundary or setting a boundary that is, well, I will never, you know, until the day, you know, we're married, I won't kiss this person, you know, and we have to be careful of that. The purity culture kind of had some issues with it.

Alisa [00:12:28] Yeah. But. Well, probably because it's set up some unrealistic expectations that once we get married and once we're allowed, it's just going to be wonderful and it's all going to work out and all working out so naturally in our sexual relationship. And that's just not always the case. And so it kind of sets up some realistic expectations when we go into it with that

Chris [00:12:53] Yeah, so let's go down that rabbit hole and you can find out some other great information on that. Let's though, Lisa, use the friends and the family members when we were young and when we were dating and getting engaged and married, but then also what we're seeing in today's culture. Let me ask you these practical questions. First of all, let's assume you've now gone to lore and you're setting this up. where would you go to get some advice while you're listening to a podcast right now and we're going to tell you we think i'll just take my first stance i don't think you should go farther than a three you know and what is that practically what is a three to me uh if you are uh holding hands hugging and kissing in a way that doesn't arouse the other person or yourself in a deep sexual way. Now, listen, we all know holding hands could be arousing if you've never held hands before. Right. Right. And we experienced that. Hugging can be arousing. So what I'm saying, I guess, would be a three for me is if you can hold hands, hug, kiss, and show affection, but it doesn't begin to translate into this sexual desire and, more importantly, the sexual arousal. That leaves us vulnerable because our brains, as a psychologist, are designed to connect. I like that arousal and therefore, when it starts to happen, guess what? I want more. And more doesn't mean holding hands longer. It means doing something more than holding hands. When I kiss you, kissing is great, but it arouses at first, it's really cool and my brain. fits all of these definitions of close to being addicted to that, right?

Alisa [00:14:51] Because that's how God, oh, go ahead, I was going to say, you're right, that's how God created it. I mean, really, it's a process of what God created to be foreplay, right, to prepare your body to engage in that sexual union. And if you are not in a relational committed marriage to go there, then you better put some pretty strong boundaries in place, especially if you're gonna be dating for a long time, because it's so hard to go back once you've crossed that boundary. And so it's much better to start slow, set a wide margin, and to maintain that for an extended amount of time if you are in it for the long game.

Chris [00:15:42] So the short answer is, where would you set it? Well, it's, again, it depends on your past, your history. If this is something you've struggled with in other relationships, you need to set that number lower, right? Kissing may not be appropriate for you because it leads too quickly to the next step, right, the touching, the petting, whatever. So I would say based upon your history, based upon your current relationship, based on where you're at. To me, watch out for the one problem wherever you set that, and that is you are beginning in this idea four playlist, you're beginning to have this cocktail of chemicals from oxytocin to dopamine to norepinephrine to serotonin. If you don't know what those are, you haven't taken my angel to Cyclops, did it on YouTube. But you should be careful because the brain desires more of three That's gonna be awesome for that week, man. And I knew it would be awesome in September if we went to a three. But I tell you what, by the time I'm there in October visiting with you, or you come up to see me in November, that three is like, oh, I've been there, done that. I need more. And that's the slippery slope. So that's, I guess, the practical question. All right, Lisa, the other issue is, whenever you set that physical boundary, be careful to realize that all boundaries are connected. Your physical boundary is connected to your spiritual boundaries, is connected to your emotional boundaries, and it is no wonder that the emotional hit that we get is the beginning of feeling more emotionally close to somebody.

Alisa [00:17:28] Yeah, I think it was Julie Slattery, Dr. Julie Slattary, that said every sexual decision is a spiritual decision. And I think that's exactly what you're saying.

Chris [00:17:41] Yeah, and we also, she probably would say the same thing. It's also an emotional decision and it goes like this. We hear too often, I bet I can predict for any one of you where you are at physically if you tell me where you're at emotionally as far as a scale of one to ten, same scale, right? Zero? I don't really like you. I don' even know you. A one is, oh yeah, I kind of feel emotional attachment to this person, but if they left tomorrow, big deal, All right, so. But 10 is, I am one with the person emotionally. I share my deepest thoughts. I desire them all the time. I can't stop thinking about them. They are my one.

Alisa [00:18:21] We love each other, we're going to spend the rest of our life together.

Chris [00:18:24] that deep. Now it's there in a nine ten and you're doing that. I can guarantee you if you haven't yet skipped past the three in the physical, it's gonna be there. Usually they go hand-in-hand, right? We're finding people that are sevens and eights on the physical are clearly at that level or higher emotionally. Or they think they are. Yeah, now that's, bring that up, what that means. So, Lisa, what you're saying is, we... Like, we think where we are and we feel that, but you're saying, I think, there's a problem in our ability to accurately judge how healthy our relationship is, is that what you mean?

Alisa [00:19:08] Yeah, because it creates blind spots. When we're physically intimate, then because of that serotonin, the dopamine, the oxytocin that you just talked about, those are the bonding hormones that our body produces. And so it causes us to feel emotionally connected and sometimes more emotionally connected and bonded than the proper foundations of friendship. of knowing each other, of having history, taking time to get to know each other in depth, and then building on that foundation for the basis of that emotional connection. In other words, it's a false connection based on our physical involvement.

Chris [00:19:55] Yeah, and so there's the positive, right? I guess in some ways what you're saying is the positive is you feel strongly in love and and it you may not be or you feel strongly connected or you fill one and then the flip of that is you the blind spot that you mentioned is you will ignore therefore during an eight nine emotional ten connection with somebody else. Ignore the issues and problems. Warning signs. Warning signs because you go, well, yeah. I love them. We fight all the time. Like, well what do you mean you fight all Yeah, we argue. And we had one couple come in years ago who said that their biggest problem was they wanted to learn how to argue and have conflict better, and they said, well tell us about your culture. We fight kind of, somebody said we fight like a married couple. All right, hold on now, that was the first kind of funny thing they said. Like, describe that. Well, it turns out... They're on the nine levels of both physical and emotional and they're fighting like cats and dogs. Let's say and Arguing and not doing it. Well, right and Yet, they thought their love was so strong They're so good that is just they were just arguing about things that'll go away when you're married like well, hold on You're not able to see in the line spot of the patterns that you have when you're not communicating well and you're in deep conflict, and then at that point what's happening is that's the blind spot. They misidentify the strength of their relationship.

Alisa [00:21:31] Yeah. So they're involved physically at a point where, imagine if you took that away from the couple, if they removed that element, the physical side of their relationship, and all they had left was everything else in the relationship, would they make the same decision about staying together as they would have if they didn't? In other words, you're much more willing, like you're saying. to put up with bad behavior, then you would be if you weren't sleeping together. And that's the danger.

Chris [00:22:09] Yeah, I don't think we even have to get into that. You probably recognize that if this is an issue for you, that in every other way, you're maybe not as compatible as you feel, right? That emotion tells you you're compatible, but you've got all kinds of issues personality-wise, lifestyle-wise where you're going wise, what you think God is doing in your life, all kinds other things that they get just swept under the rug, under the guise of We're emotionally in love each other. Well, you know, when it comes to money and marriage, we all want clarity and confidence, right? And especially unity with spouses, right? I think, Lisa, that's why we get to work personally with Colby Gilmore of Blue Trust.

Alisa [00:22:58] That's right. Colby Gilmore, along with other Blue Trust certified wealth strategists, offers personalized, biblically-centered financial planning and investment management services no matter what your income level is.

Chris [00:23:11] Lisa say that title twice blue trust certified well strategist. That's a tough

Alisa [00:23:16] I'm not sure I can...

Chris [00:23:17] I know, so they do put clients' best interests first, and they don't sell financial products. I love that about them.

Alisa [00:23:24] Me too, and you know what, we highly recommend Colby Gilmore and Blue Trust for anyone looking for both financial unity with your spouse and opportunities to increase your wealth and your generosity.

Chris [00:23:36] Yeah, so if you guys want to check out ronblue.com or reach out to Colby Gilmore at colby.gilmore at ron blue.com that's colby dot gilmore at rong blue dot com i think you guys will be glad you did Okay, Liz, so what would be good emotional boundaries? I'll start with one. I think if you find that the other person you're with is the only person that knows you, your soul and your heart, and you're sharing that with them, and them exclusively, I believe if you're in a dating relationship, not yet engaged, and that is part of your emotional connection, is we're just becoming meshed together, So I can trust them with everything all my witnesses all my strength all my hopes all my dreams all my prayers and they're the only one I think right there you're probably dealing with a boundary that's been crossed

Alisa [00:24:39] So are you saying too much emotional vulnerability too soon?

Chris [00:24:44] I think too much emotional vulnerability, too much deep sharing that should be reserved. For example, between you and a mentor or you and girlfriend or a boyfriend that you kind of talk boyfriend, you and guy friend that you're like, you know, I don't really share this with anybody else, right? My hope and my dreams, but all my. pains and sorrows, I think that's it at least. It's harder to quantify than the physical. Yeah. But there is something about being too emotionally vulnerable with the other person. And then one sign of it might be if you're just called, oh, there's just such a great listener. They're always encouraging. What was your heart? How do you feel about this? What's going on in your heart, tell me everything. You know, and the other person could be intoxicating, right? To find somebody that wants to listen to their heart and share these deep vulnerabilities and still accept them as going probably too far too soon. You build that gradually. You've been dating three, four years, ah, there's probably a lot more emotional.

Alisa [00:26:03] Then it would be even a year. Yeah Is exactly so what I hear you saying Chris is maybe time is your friend You want to at that are in the early stages of your relationship? You want a pace yourself and you want to really work on building a foundation of commitment and trust in order to know that the other person that that they are trustworthy And worthy of you being that vulnerable and sharing the most intimate and there's no way to build That that fat or fast-track that building of that commitment and trust foundation In a month or two. I mean you just haven't spent enough time together You need to see each other in different situations different circumstances Different stages of life to see how they cope with it how they process disappointment How they interact with family? How they, I mean, do they keep confidences? Are they a gossiper? You just wanna see these things and that takes time. And so you wanna give that relationship, what we're talking about, the gift of time, to spend some time in the shallow end of the pool, swimming around, enjoying, dating, getting to know them before you go into the deep end because you don't know yet if you can trust them because there's really no commitment yet. Or at least there shouldn't be within, you know, those, yeah.

Chris [00:27:33] It takes a while. It's a contract that you're waiting to see if this person is living up to the contract. If not, you get out.

Alisa [00:27:40] which it should be in dating. Dating is contractual. It's a great time that you're getting to know each other and that you are making an assessment. Is this a good match? Is this person of character? Do we have the same shared core values? Are we going the same direction in life? And that just takes time.

Chris [00:28:01] It does. All right, let's wrap this up with the last one, that spiritual boundaries. I'm gonna be honest with you, this is a really hard one to draw the line between emotional, it's easy with physical, but emotional and spiritual boundaries, if your soul, if you as a person are a child of God, you walk with him, you love him, you call Jesus your savior. then your emotional boundaries are going to be tied up a lot with your spiritual boundaries, right? It's sharing your heart. I think the only distinction would be what I share with God in my moments of quiet solitude with Him are things that are between me and God and, of course, now you. I will talk to you. In fact, I think it was last night. You know, I told you, gosh, at least I think this is what God is telling me about something and I've been processing it. And you're like, wow, how did you, you know, and you- Yeah, do you feel about that? Yeah, okay. So, yeah. To do that in a dating relationship, a spiritual boundary probably connected to that emotional boundary is, again, there are some things you are and God are dealing with the need to talk about, good and bad, that are not- yet to privy for the other person until they develop either A, a commitment with you, and a deep trust, which usually isn't part of an early dating relationship or even a dating relationship until there's talk of commitment and even a commitment or even a ring on the finger.

Alisa [00:29:43] And you're not saying, don't share your prayer requests or don't pray together necessarily. That maybe as you're dating, would you say it's appropriate to, you know, maybe do a Bible study together? Share your prayer request? That maybe just not go into really deep, raw, open depth and vulnerability yet?

Chris [00:30:04] Yeah, I remember you asking when we were dating about a class that wasn't going well, and you're like, oh, man, can you pray for me? And about, you know, I have to decide if I'm going to go to Italy or not, you know, and take my semester abroad and just pray for wisdom. Now, you, that's easy. I think that was extremely appropriate. But you, we didn't go into the depths. if you would say, hey, pray for my family, you know, or... I remember you had a niece that was born with Down syndrome, and like, when you pray for my sister and, you know, her husband and the family, it's like, oh, yeah. But we didn't really dive into the details of how this affected and, and you know and how you were talking to God by Gwami about that.

Alisa [00:30:54] You know, I was just looking at the reference for that, in Proverbs, where it says that above all else, guard your heart because it's the wellspring of life. And so part of that is that idea of your heart, it's all-encompassing in the Hebrew. It's not only your emotions, but it's your your will your intellect uh, your physical, it's like all aspects of your being and God is saying, protect that because from it flows the wellspring, the rivers of living water. And so you don't want to entrust those rivers to someone that you don t know if you can trust them, if they're trustworthy yet. And again, it just goes back to the point of, and it takes the gift of time. We're not saying delay forever praying together or going more vulnerable spiritually. We're just saying probably those first three to six months are not really the time to do that, but just to pace yourself, go a little bit slower. And you know, I think some of the things that when I say pace yourself what I mean that I'm talking about is like, you know be careful about going too quickly about talking about a future together. You know saying the words, I love you in those first six months and talking about the possibility of a future together. Because where your conversation goes, that's where your heart's going to go. And so you don't want to go too quickly down that road,

Chris [00:32:34] That's great. I think that's why the writer of that proverb, you know, most likely Solomon, I would guess, it is a proverb, right? Probably why he said that, we must guard them. That's the whole, that's what this means. These are boundaries we're talking about.

Alisa [00:32:50] Yeah, so you want to watch your conversation in that way. And I think another really practical way is to maintain your friendships. You know, when you're... You're talking about relationships. Yes, and when you are in those early stages of infatuation, you just love being with this person. You want to spend every spare moment with them because you're having so much fun together. You love what you're finding out about them. You're enjoying your time. You crave that time with them. And so it can be very tempting to. neglect your other relationships. And so one of the boundaries you can put in place is maintain those friendships that you have and your relationship, your time that you spend with your family, and keep that in place so that that doesn't become all encompassing and totally a mesh, or you've cut every other relationship out of your life.

Chris [00:33:42] That's great. That tells about the value of community that we're around. No, at least I love that. And let me ask you this question, and again, now we're really going to try and wrap up. We promise. We've gone too far, emotionally or physically or spiritually. We're now six to eight months into this thing. Can we unwind it? Uh, is it possible to move back from the 6-7 that we find ourselves in all the time and we don't like it, we hear couples all the times saying, oh yeah, we had that friend that we just fight and then we just hit and we got to pray better. And then we get together the next night, you're like, I had a bad day, I got a bad exam, can you just hold me and hug me and all of a sudden, like, all right, hold on, we're gonna have to go to our boundaries. Can you unwind it? I'm going to say something a little bit sobering. it is not going to be easy. That's right. The only unwinding that's usually successful is not while the relationship is still hot and heavy. The unwindings that I have found most successful is when you take a break from the relationship, get your priorities, get your boundaries set up, gorge your heart, take some time, month, two months, three months, I don't know, get together. and then come back with a solid commitment to maintain this new boundary, that unwinding to me gets started with a little bit of a break from the relationship. Now they can be done in the relationship, but what are your thoughts?

Alisa [00:35:19] Well, I like what you said about kind of pushing the pause button, pushing the break a little bit, because I think what we've seen and even what we have experienced in our own lives before getting married is that when you know you've crossed those boundaries and you've done it repeatedly, the first thing that begins to suffer is your relationship with God. Yeah. Because, yeah, because and maybe it was already suffering. which allowed those boundaries to be crossed in the first place. But usually, what we would recommend is during that break, maybe going back and getting some good time with a mentor, with a spiritual director and saying, what's going on in my heart that I am really willing to disobey what I know the Lord is saying. And sometimes I feel guilty about it, sometimes I don't. And so that's telling me, it's a hard issue going on with the Lord, that I really need to go back and say, Lord, what's going on here? Because we've got to fix this, you and I, before we can fix this. And it's like, it a vertical relationship before the horizontal, because it's gonna be so hard in your own strength to fix the this. and really almost impossible, apart from a wholehearted dedication to your relationship and walking with Jesus, and getting that in place in a way that, and for a period of time, before you can really come back to reengage and move that ball back, and then put some really firm boundaries about, okay, we're not going to be in your apartment. or your home, or wherever we are, where those boundaries are getting crossed, we're not gonna be alone in the car. We're not going to be staying for- For us, it was Walmart. It was just- Title A in Walmart was our weakness. That for us, seriously, was staying up late. We knew that past 11 o'clock, we got tired, and when we were tired, we were much more vulnerable to that temptation. And so we just said, okay, 11 o clock. You know, nothing good was happening after 11 o'clock. And so that was one of those boundaries. And so what else would you say? So starting with your own relationship with the Lord and keeping, or moving that ball back from the two yard line, how do we go back to the...

Chris [00:38:03] I think you said it right and I love that. I would that's what I would do You know in a in a now a final point before we end This is the third the third final point and it's this We serve a God yeah who is a redeeming A God who seeks us out, who has called us as child even though we are sinners, and even though we mess up, God has a redemptive plan for us. And if you find yourself that you've messed this up, do not let the enemy use this guilt against you, that you are wrong, you're bad. and maybe even your relationship is doomed. There is hope. There is a way to overcome this. You keep fighting. And when you mess up, you get back up and you redo the commitment to God and you keep going. So God is a God of hope. God is the God of redemption. And this regeneration that we can feel, this new life is promised to us right now. And so don't be overly discouraged. Take note, take warning, replay this podcast if you have to. But recognize that if you found yourself trying to move back and you keep messing up, don't give up. It's worth it. Keep fighting. He is a god. He is the redeeming god of hope that is encouraging. And even when we mess up, we can get back. And I love that aspect of. We messed up that means we're doomed forever. We'll know and like well, hold on here. Now. Let's put some perspective on this

Alisa [00:40:01] You know, I think if there was one verse that I would encourage dating couples to memorize and to pray and to ask the Lord to keep it in the forefront of your mind when you're together is this passage from Romans 12, 10. Because what Paul is doing here is causing us to remember that above all, first and foremost, we are children of God. You are my brother in Christ. I am your sister in Christ before you're my boyfriend, before I'm your girlfriend, before you're husband, before your wife. And the patterns that we're setting in dating, we're bringing into marriage in terms of really remembering that before you are my husband, you're brother in Christ. In Romans 12, Paul is saying this, he's saying be devoted to one another and brotherly love. honor one another above yourself. And so that really starts with asking God to purify your heart, to purified your thoughts, your actions, your approach, and to keep you really from doing anything that would dishonor Him and that would dishonor my boyfriend or my girlfriend and that bring dishonor on myself. But, Lord, help me to honor them above all.

Chris [00:41:28] And when I mess up, help me to recognize the way you see me, not as broken, but as a child forgiven through Jesus and you provide a path forward from me

Alisa [00:41:44] Lead me in the everlasting way, Psalm 139.

Chris [00:41:48] I may need to get mentors, I may need to go get people around me, I may to get friends praying for me, I may take a break, we may need to stop where we're going when this is happening. May need to start instituting and keeping these things going, but I serve a God that ultimately gives me the strength and the power to accomplish this, and he's a redeemed God.

Alisa [00:42:16] Amen, and asking yourself in light of this, am I, do I care enough about this person that I am willing to do whatever it takes to protect this relationship, to protect our future together?

Chris [00:42:32] Protect them and brother-

Alisa [00:42:33] Yes, and do I love you enough to set aside my own fleshly desires and to put your benefit, your welfare above my own. And so, yeah, there you go.

Chris [00:42:49] straight out of Philippians dude 3-4 right there, right?

Alisa [00:42:52] Yeah. And so, you know, if you want to spend a little bit more time in really kind of delving into these emotional boundaries, I actually have a blog on our website. It's called Too Much, Too Soon About Setting Emotional Boundaries in Dating. So you can check that out at our website at cmr.biola.edu. And we'd really encourage you to share this podcast with a friend. Maybe you're a parent and you have kids that are dating. Maybe you have some friends that are dating that you're kind of worried about them or you're concerned, or if it's you and you're dating and you want to just kind of do some introspection with the Lord about this particular area, or maybe you're in a new relationship and say, hey, I've got this podcast I would like us to listen to and then let's talk about how we want to put some boundaries in place for this relationship in order to protect it. and so it can be really, really great.

Chris [00:43:51] Yeah, share it with your friends, especially your rich friends, since we're donation-based and if you have wealthy friends, you're like...

Alisa [00:43:58] Amen!

Chris [00:43:58] You got to go listen to this and I hope by the way help them send them Zell, then it doesn't matter. Hey, it's good to talk about this Lisa. What a great topic. Let's revisit this again in the future. I don't think we've even barely scratched the surface to hopefully get people started. I'm thinking about and praying about these things.

Alisa [00:44:19] Yeah, so thanks for joining us on another episode of the Art of Relationships, and we'll see you next time.

Mandy [00:44:26] We're very glad you joined us for today's podcast. For more resources on marriage and healthy relationships, please visit our website at cmr.biola.edu. We'll see you next time on The Art of Relationships.