3 Must-Haves for a Healthy Relationship

Before the invention of the internet, people had to use paper maps when they needed to know where to go or how to get to a destination. These maps were big, accordion-folded pieces of paper that had all the roads, highways, cities, towns, and landmarks marked out in detail. They were indispensable in helping people know exactly which way to go, although one had to be a professional in knowing how to read them. There have been many a disagreement over how to read the map and follow the directions, challenging even the closest relationships! Today we have these maps on our phones, and they give us step by step directions to help us get to where we want to go. 

Wouldn’t it be great if we had a “map” for our relationships?  If we had step-by-step instructions for how to grow and maintain a healthy relationship?  The good news is that there are many detailed resources available to do just that!  But for now, I’d like to focus on just three foundational guiding principles that are helpful and effective, and are easily transferable to use in any relationship. 

Be Kind
The first guiding principle is to be kind. It is so easy to not be kind when we are hurt or upset. Someone does something that hurts or offends us, and our initial reaction is to either withdraw and protect ourselves or retaliate and hurt them back. We know that button that we could push, that comment we could make, that action we could take that would really hurt the other person, and sometimes we do it. We do it knowing that we are going to hurt the other person. We are unkind; we act unkindly. What we often forget or fail to realize is that when we are unkind in such a way, it also is hurtful to us and costs us. We can become hardened, bitter, resentful, and vindictive, and it is not enjoyable or peaceful to live that way. It also can cost us our relationship with the other person, and so we may experience more loneliness. It is always better to be kind. 

Be Descriptive 
The second guiding principle is to be descriptive. When we are being descriptive, we are focusing on how we are experiencing a situation, what we are feeling, thinking, wanting, and wishing for. We go behind our anger and frustration, and describe the hurt, fear, or confusion that we are feeling.  We do this instead of telling the other person what they have done wrong or how they have failed, which would just cause them to get defensive and make it very difficult to have a productive and reparative conversation with them. When we attack, blame, or are critical, it makes it very hard for the other person to respond well to us, and a conflict usually grows. When we are being descriptive, it keeps us from attacking, blaming, or being critical of the other person. Instead, we are inviting them into our experience, we are being vulnerable with them, and that makes it much easier for them to respond well to us and to work with us on resolving our differences. It is always better to be descriptive.

Be Curious
The third guiding principle is to be curious. When we feel hurt or attacked by someone else, it is our human nature to want to protect ourselves and/or to counterattack. We make assumptions, and we believe that the other person was intentional with their comments and actions; they really meant to hurt us. That kind of thinking is like a negative lens through which we begin to view them and their actions. We interpret everything they do and say in a negative way, and we don't give them any benefit of the doubt. We take everything they do and say personally, believing that they knew their actions would hurt us and that is why they did them. When we do this, there is no room to work through the conflict together, and we very likely are misreading the situation. However, if we could be curious instead of taking things personally, if we could give the benefit of the doubt instead of negatively assuming they meant to hurt us, then there is room and opportunity to really listen and understand each other.  As a result, we then are able to work through the misunderstanding and conflict together, and the relationship is strengthened. It is a bit cliché, but it helps to remember that we want to be curious, not furious!  It is always better to be curious.

There are so many resources that can serve as a map for you in relationships, to guide you in how to grow healthy ones. Just check out the many helpful resources right here on the CMR website! But a great way to get started is to keep it simple:  be kind, be descriptive, and be curious. These three qualities will help get you where you want to go!