You’ve probably heard the phrase “Ring by Spring.” The idea is that students (especially at Christian colleges) feel pressure to get engaged before graduation, sometimes rushing into marriage before they’re ready.

I guess you could call me a relationship expert, but I prefer “relationship experienced.” I have a Ph.D. in social psychology, and for 12 years now I have been co-directing the Center for Marriage and Relationships. I have been studying human behavior for decades now and have spoken to and counseled with over 10,000 college students over the past 30+ years. And I have been happily married for almost 40 years.

In all these years I have found almost no couples whose goal it was to secure a “Ring by Spring,” so believe me when I say it is mostly a myth.

What this myth purports is that there is some “cultural pressure” on young couples to rush into marriage before they are ready. Like all myths, finding its true origin may be impossible, but it probably started at a few Christian universities somewhere in the U.S., probably in the 1980’s.

But in my experience, this isn’t the primary danger in dating relationships. What concerns me far more are unhealthy dynamics that often get overlooked while people focus on timelines or engagement expectations.

Instead, here are 10 relationship concerns that are more dangerous than "ring by spring":

10 Signs of Unhealthy Relationships

1. Character or sin issues: dishonesty, untrustworthiness, immorality, unwillingness to be teachable
2. Emotional instability: jealousy, clinginess, anger, manipulation, controlling or condescending behavior
3. Lack of core compatibility: differences in spiritual beliefs, values, or morals
4. High conflict patterns: escalation, withdrawal, avoidance, manipulation, inability to compromise
5. Poor communication: not feeling heard, inability to share honestly, unwillingness to admit wrong
6. Major personality disconnects: humor, calling, priorities, views of family or money
7. Premarital sexual intimacy: creating false compatibility and ignoring warning signs
8. Sexual immorality: pornography, infidelity, or adultery
9. Untreated psychological or addiction issues: depression, anxiety, substance abuse, dependence
10. Abuse: verbal, emotional, physical, or sexual

In sum, these relationship red flags are way more troubling than “Ring by Spring.” The real concern isn’t moving too quickly toward marriage, it’s ignoring unhealthy patterns while moving toward marriage.

Call them “Toxic Traits” (jealousy, control, disrespect), “The Four Horsemen” (criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling), or “Dating Deal-breakers” (dishonesty, poor boundaries, love bombing, or lack of emotional safety). Whatever they are called, it is these signs and traits that have serious, long-lasting effects on relationships and mental health.

So the better question becomes: What are the signs of healthy relationships? How do you keep your relationships healthy, free from the negative effects of criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling? What are the key features of a great relationship? How do we become the person that relates well to others?

We’ll explore those questions in the next blog!