Should I Share My Password?

How do you know if your spouse is cheating or not? Do you need to have their password in order to feel more secure in your relationship? In this podcast, Dr. Chris Grace and his wife Alisa unpack when it's ok to share personal information, and remind us that successful relationships are built on trust and transparency. 

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Speaker 1:

Welcome to another Art of Relationships podcast. We are grateful for listeners like you. Let's get right into it.

Alisa Grace:

Okay. Welcome back to the Art of Relationships. We are so glad to be back with you. I'm Alisa Grace, and I'm here with my husband, Dr. Chris Grace, and we are the co-directors of the Biola University Center for Marriage and Relationships. So we've been at this marriage thing for a long time now, and we're just excited to be here with you today.

Chris Grace:

Yeah. So Alisa, let's do this. Let's take a couple of questions. We always have people submitting them, whether they're at conferences or whether they submit them on our website or whether we see them in person and they say, "Hey, cover this on your blog." So maybe you can start with one that caught your fancy. How about that?

Alisa Grace:

I love that. Okay, you ready?

Chris Grace:

Mm-hmm (affirmative).

Alisa Grace:

Okay. So this woman wrote in and said, "Is it okay for a spouse to have a passcode on their phone?"

Chris Grace:

Do you mean to have a passcode to block the other person from it? What is the intent of-

Alisa Grace:

Well, I think just is it okay for them to have something that, I guess, keeps you from having access to their phone? Which actually there's a second question that maybe even would ask this even better. And it's this, if someone isn't having an affair, why will they delete their conversation or calls with a particular person their spouse has questions or doubts about?

Chris Grace:

Oh, dear. Yeah.

Alisa Grace:

So maybe those two were sent in by the same person.

Chris Grace:

Yeah. Man, good questions. Let's just start with, what is a marriage? What does it mean to be upfront, open with your spouse? Are there things that you can keep from them or should keep from them? Or are we to share everything with our spouse and be willing to share everything and anything? And maybe there's different philosophies on this, right? Some people might say, "Everything that goes on, you have access to, you should know." But that's our marriage. Our relationship is if you want to look at my phone, use my phone, take it, put your own passcode on it, look at any conversation, it's yours to do that. Now that's the way we run our relationship. I guess there could be things that, for some ... but at least not everything.

Let's take some exceptions to that. If I have a conversation with a student or somebody who comes in for counseling or advice, and there's obviously confidentiality and privacy, and those things I don't keep on my phone anyway, their conversations. And I could say, "Gosh, I met this person today. I won't tell you their name, but they're struggling with X, Y, or Z," keeping things so that you will never figure out who it is. And that's appropriate, and that's the way we run our marriage. And so there are some exceptions to this general rule, right? Some people are therapists, or some people are pastors, or some people are doctors, and they hear things that they're not going to share with their spouse.

Now, that's very different than me having a conversation that's not related to confidentiality. It's not related to a lawyer/client privilege. It's more just a friendship that I have with somebody that I maybe don't want you to know how I'm interacting with them, I think.

Alisa Grace:

Or a coworker.

Chris Grace:

Or a coworker. And now we could hide it in terms of, oh, but it's a coworker in the legal profession, it's a coworker in the medical field, it's a coworker in therapy or counseling. And we're like, well, hold on here. So-

Alisa Grace:

That's very narrow though. Most people aren't in those professions.

Chris Grace:

Yeah. And I think that's exactly right. So how would you answer the question? I think, Alisa, I would start like this. I would say, in your marriage, one of the dangers is when we are called to leave and cleave and to become emotionally connected, is if that connection at any point begins to separate by me forming a relationship or a connection with somebody else. Now, I think it's usually somebody else of the opposite sex, and there are exceptions to that as well. But if I have friends, I could get overly connected to my guy friends, and we could go golfing all the time or play baseball or play in a softball league or whatever I have done in the past. And that could become a place to escape the opportunity or the opportunities to be more with you.

Alisa Grace:

Correct.

Chris Grace:

But I think we're now probably all thinking about that one thing, and that's starting an emotional connection or a friendship with somebody of the opposite sex while we're married that becomes more than just a friendship.

Alisa Grace:

Exactly.

Chris Grace:

And sometimes it seems like people might want to hide that from their spouse because well, obviously there's reason to hide it, because I'm starting to form a bond with them.

Alisa Grace:

Yeah. So I think bottom line is you should be able to have each other's passcodes. You should trust each other enough that you don't have to read their phone, their messages, their email, but yet if you've ever felt like you needed to, you would be able to be an open book. So if for some reason you were like, "Hey, what is all this about?" And it's like, "Hey, here's my phone. Check it out. You're free to look at whatever's on my phone. You're free to read any of my emails. That's fine. And here's my passcode. You can have it." You shouldn't really have something to hide. And if someone is hiding, like what she says, why are they deleting their conversations and phone calls with a particular person that I have questions about? Well, where there's smoke, there's probably fire.

Chris Grace:

Yeah. I think so too. I think the other person can also ... let's suppose. Let's just suppose that they are guilty of establishing a too-intimate relationship with somebody-

Alisa Grace:

Inappropriate.

Chris Grace:

... that's inappropriate emotionally, and they have conversations that they don't want the other person to hear how often or what they talk about or who they're talking to. And so they're deleting them. I think that person can oftentimes play the well-don't-you-trust-me card. You need to trust me. This is-

Alisa Grace:

To hide behind it.

Chris Grace:

Yeah. And I think we have to be very careful there that when we begin ... So if the person is guilty, if this is you, man, you're going to need to establish a way in which you understand that making a friendship, an emotional connection with somebody else, is violating this agreement that we have and this connection, the thing we call marriage. And it's a covenantal vow. It's a vow to say, "I love you until death do his part." And if I connect with somebody else, you're beginning to violate that covenant, that relationship.

At least I think it's pretty clear in marriage that most married couples ought to have that freedom and ought to know. And unfortunately we can hide things, right? And maybe it's not just a conversation. Maybe it's activity on the web. Maybe it's activity that, ah, you don't want me to know about because you're off doing something that's not appropriate, and you're hiding that. And I think that's where support groups might come in, if let's say the person has a porn habit, a porn addiction, or just they're constantly looking at that. And they're trying to fight that, and they don't want their spouse to figure it out. Or they're having shame.

Well, the problem isn't necessarily that ... Well, it is that you're hiding it, but the second thing is that it can lead to even further disconnect, not just from your relationships, but it could lead to other types of sexual sin in which you're going out and now finding other people more attractive than your spouse. And it can lead to all kinds of things, emotional affairs at work. It could lead to finding somebody else that you're attracted to. It could be prostitutes. It could be all kinds of things.

Alisa Grace:

Right. Yeah. I completely agree. So maybe the attitude as spouses that we need to have is instead of saying, "Do I have a right to check your phone?" is that instead of me having to ask that, I should be willing to make the statement of, "Hey, Chris, you have the right to check my phone whenever you want. I'm an open book. And instead of demanding it from you, you should be willing to extend that same right to me, as spouses."

Chris Grace:

Yeah. And I think you probably set those ground rules.

Alisa Grace:

Because then that establishes that there's trust. And the first thing I say is, "Oh, well, I don't need to check your phone. You're really open." That's a form of establishing trust. It's when you start to hide it and when you get closed off that trust becomes an issue, and the other person's going to become more insecure.

Chris Grace:

Yeah. No, I think that's right. And I think each couple needs to figure this out for themselves, how much they trust or how much they hold things loosely and available. And sometimes, Alisa, we can also put in place another person. So for example, suppose I might have a personal struggle. I think a lot of men can relate to this. Suppose the husband or the wife, the male or the female, struggle with purity, emotional thoughts, or keeping their eyes pure, or let's say it's pornography. I think not just letting you or my spouse have us to my browsing and what I do and having that browser available at all times, and it's also probably having somebody in there that can also keep me accountable as a guy friend, a small group of community who may be struggle in the same way. And you're like, "Chris, are you up with this person? Are you connecting with them so that they can help you as well? Do you have Covenant Eyes so that your friend can call you up at any time and say, Hey-

Alisa Grace:

Accountability.

Chris Grace:

... I noticed on your account, you're doing this X, Y, and Z, and we talked about accountability. What's going on with you?" And so that can be somebody else other than the spouse, if it comes to something like accountability.

Alisa Grace:

I like that.

Chris Grace:

But you would still have that access, but you also know that I'm trying to be with another person on being accountable.

Alisa Grace:

Great. Okay.

Chris Grace:

So let me try another one, the same topic, but now you are dating. You're dating somebody, and you're getting serious. Would you give them your phone and your passcode when you're dating? And I think a lot of people do this. They say, "Okay, here, you can go look, and you can look at my Insta. Here is my Instagram password."

Alisa Grace:

Yeah. Dangerous.

Chris Grace:

Yeah. I think you and I both are on the same page with this, that I don't think there's any good time while you are dating to allow the other person that type of access to either your passcodes, your phone at any time.

Alisa Grace:

And if they feel insecure without it, then you've got bigger issues that would need to be addressed.

Chris Grace:

Yeah. But is it easy enough just to say, "Don't do it?" or is there more to it? Is it more complex than that? And should you ever? What if you're really, really good friends, and you're really about to get maybe engaged, and they want to know, hey, are you my good friend? Am I the only one? And I think you're right, Alisa. If there's a struggle in this area, there might be a bigger conversation to have about commitment-

Alisa Grace:

Insecurity.

Chris Grace:

... insecurity, things like that. So I think the general notion is, man, I just wouldn't. I would just say, "Buddy, I'm sorry. We're in a good dating relationship." Maybe at least related to this, maybe they don't like the posts that you're doing or they wonder, gosh, who are you commenting on, or who are you having a conversation with? And I think that's also where we have to be honest with ourselves. Am I playing around here? Do I have different people? Am I keeping a relationship here hidden from this person that I'm developing a deeper friendship with? And what am I doing? Am I manipulating them emotionally? And maybe they're sensing that, and they want to see my phone because I'm not being upfront about so many things.

Alisa Grace:

Well, there's also the issue of when you're dating, you're not in a covenant relationship. A dating relationship is still a time to be evaluative.

Chris Grace:

Yeah. It's contractual.

Alisa Grace:

Yes. It's I love you if, and that you're always assessing, is this other person a good match? What is their character? What are their values? Is it someone that I can truly trust? And as your relationship progresses, as you get more and more serious, you become more committed. And after that commitment of maybe engagement, then perhaps you do that. But otherwise you run the risk of breaking up, and then that person has all accessibility to your private information. They can get on your social media and post crazy things under your name. It can really wreak havoc, and so you have to be very careful in a dating relationship.

Chris Grace:

I agree. I think the best advice is this. If somebody tries to shame you into this and say, "But if you really like me. Oh, but we're dating. Why would you ...? Listen"-

Alisa Grace:

What are you hiding?

Chris Grace:

Yeah. "What are you hiding? And we've been together for a whole one month. I should know everything"-

Alisa Grace:

Or six months.

Chris Grace:

Yeah. "I should know everything's going on in your world, and who are you texting with? Who are you sitting there playing Snapchat with and doing all these other things with? I should know that and be able to log in at any time." I think the answer is, "No, you're not. And no, you shouldn't." And this is called a boundary, and we are good friends and we're dating, and you're going to have to trust me. And if you don't, too bad. And you need to look at yourself. If you are out there doing other things with other people, holding onto two or three different relationships, you're not being fair and honest and truthful.

Alisa Grace:

That's a great point.

Chris Grace:

And they're probably reading that.

Alisa Grace:

Yeah. Am I willing to let them get on my phone and look? That's a great point.

Chris Grace:

Well, I think that's an awesome question and answer, and what we're going call just a real quick way of doing a podcast on a topic of passcodes, right? And should we allow it? And I think it differs at least between being married and the level of your relationship commitment, and then-

Alisa Grace:

Your history.

Chris Grace:

... and your history, and then just in some general principles. In today's age, man, I think you have to be very careful with that. So, fun podcast, good topic.

Alisa Grace:

Yeah. Thanks for asking. Bye.

Chris Grace:

Yeah. Bye.

Speaker 1:

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