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"I Want to Start Dating But Not Act Desperate. Help!"

Ask the Expert

Dear CMR,

I am single and want to start getting to know more people, if you know what I mean. How can I let people know I'm available without coming across as desperate for a date?


Single and Ready to Mingle

The only way to avoid looking desperate is to stop believing that you are, because a person will appear as desperate as they feel. The more fixated you are on finding love and obsessed about entering marriage, the more desperate you will appear, because eventually, the things that you think about most start seeping into every part of your life for the whole world to see.

Here are some ways to stop fixating on your fears and begin focusing on your future:

1.  Exchange your fear for trust:

When you are driven by fear, you live a desperate life. In an attempt to save your future from the fear of isolation, you can find yourself taking control of everything and everyone in your life. Fear can drive you to make harmful choices. It can push you to give your heart away too quickly and cause you to take risks you were never intended to take. The first step to being gracefully available is in exchanging your fear for trust in God- trusting that He knows the way, and that His plan for your life is always what’s best. Exchanging fear for trust will ultimately free you to live abundantly rather than desperately.

2.  Get involved in things you love: 

The best way to meet a potential match is to get out there and do what you love. Find activities and passions that resonate with your heart, because there, you will find people who connect with your heart. The best relationships are made up of two people with similar passions and shared interests. Invest in the kind of places that will draw you to these kinds of people, all the while quenching your heart with the things you love the most.

3.  Be open to making new friends:

Christian young adults can be terrified of male/female friendships. Afraid of risking a broken heart, or looking inappropriate to the innocent passerby, it’s easy to avoid friendships that could very well be the foundation of finding a future mate. Take off the pressure of getting married, and be open to making friends. Whether or not these friendships lead to marriage, they can lead to encouragement, sharpening, and an all-around broadening of horizons.

4.  Don’t be shy about singleness: 

It’s okay to spread the word about your singleness, in fact, I recommend it! Don’t hide from the fact that you are not in a relationship, embrace it. There will be a time and place to give your life to another, but until then, focus on giving your life to the world around you. Singleness is a time of growth, maturity, and learning about yourself- things are easy to miss out on when you are focused on finding the one. Don’t lose yourself in the pursuit of love, rather take the time to find yourself.

At the end of the day, love happens at the right time, because God’s watch is always spot-on. God knows where you are at and is perfectly in tune with you need. Following Him will only get you closer to that place. Until then, trust Him, pursue your passions, make friends, embrace singleness- and enjoy the ride.

For all you know, love might just be right around the corner.