In this episode, Chris and Alisa Grace explore how to discern when it might be time to end a dating relationship. They discuss 13 red flags to look out for—ranging from spiritual misalignment and boundary issues to emotional unavailability and unresolved conflict—providing practical insights and tips to help you navigate the dating process with wisdom and faith. Whether you're dealing with dating relationships, or navigating romantic connections post-loss, this episode offers valuable advice to improve your relationships.

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About the Hosts:
Chris Grace, Ph.D., and Alisa Grace are passionate about helping people build and sustain healthy relationships. As leaders of the Biola University Center for Marriage and Relationships, they combine the wisdom of Scripture with scholarly research to offer practical advice and insights. Learn more about their work at cmr.biola.edu.

Mandy [00:00:01] Welcome to The Art of Relationships. This podcast is produced by the Biola University Center for Marriage and Relationships Let's get right into it.

Chris [00:00:11] Hey, welcome to the Arts and Relations podcast. Alisa Grace is here. Yay! We're in the house and we are excited to join you guys from the Center for Marriage and Relationships at biola.edu. That's awesome, on cmr.biola.edu. Check it out, we got a lot of resources for you. You know all that. Thank you by the way for the introduction to our good friend who is kind of introducing us, Mandy. Let's do this, Lisa, today, I think one question that we get asked a lot probably because we're around younger people a lot, you know, we have younger children, so to speak, I guess, that have gone all through these dating phases and the question is what is dating and then what are some signs that you probably ought to either stay in this relationship or get out and we get questions like that.

Alisa [00:01:06] We sure do. And when you consider that the average age for marrying is late 20s, so this can apply and also for couples that maybe you've lost a spouse for whatever reason and you find yourself back in the dating pool. Well, these are some things we wanna talk about. What are some red flags that you should really pay attention to? How do you know when it's time to break up?

Chris [00:01:30] Ooh, that's great. Lisa, dating, before we get started on those particular signs and red flags, dating is really I mean, there's some foundational things to understand before you date. Like I think you and I always talk about one and that is dating is a contract between you and the other person. It's not a commitment. It's more a covenant. It's a covenant, it's not covenant. You know, listeners are going to understand them, but recognize then the difference. If I sign a contract with somebody or something, then there are expectations laid out for them. And if they don't meet some of these expectations, they fail the contract, nothing bad. But dating is similar, right? When we were dating, you had and both of us had implicit contracts. We didn't write them out. No one did. But give me one that you knew that if as you got to know me, if my behavior wasn't in that clause or my actions or my beliefs, you would have said, all right, that's the end of it. Like you were in the middle of dating somebody else when we were dating, right? There's a contract that says, all, right, well, it's at least somewhat exclusive, That didn't happen to us.

Alisa [00:02:54] No, but when-

Chris [00:02:54] I was one

Alisa [00:02:55] Well, I think one of my kind of red lines in the sand that this one has to be met is was that you were a believer and that you had a really vibrant faith in Jesus.

Chris [00:03:09] Yeah, so let's-

Alisa [00:03:09] a vibrant thing was the key. Not just that you went to church or called yourself a Christian, but that you really had a vibrant relationship with Jesus. You were pursuing Him and you were serious about your faith. And so that was super important to me. And like other ones didn't matter if that, no matter how awesome you were, if that one wasn't in place, we were not going to forward.

Chris [00:03:32] Yeah, so you could be dating somebody, in fact, you have to probably be dating somebody a number of times before you can figure that one out. You see what then leads to the next one. It's not like, oh, I said I was a Christian, so that was one for me, of course, as well. But the pattern is what I was looking for, which was, and we'll get to that word in just a second because I think it's another foundational word. But you have to date somebody a few times to see if there is a vibrancy. Do they live out what they say? Yeah, do they talk about it? Do they ever bring up spiritual issues? Do they talk a powerful encounter with God they had in the morning on a particular verse? And so, right? So that was one. I think another one for me would have been in the contract, you know, well, there There has to be a meshing or an understanding of our personalities. But one that was high on my list was humor that, you know, I could laugh with this person and have fun. And I was, you, know, in one relationship before you that was like not humorless, but It was bad, it was kind of boring.

Alisa [00:04:42] It was terrible. Horrible.

Chris [00:04:46] But for you, it was immediately clear that part of that implicit contract in my head was that you were funny.

Alisa [00:04:53] Those kinds of things. Yeah, and I think the point that you're trying to make here is that when you're dating, you don't want to go into it with the idea that this is a covenantal relationship where especially I think believers have a hard time with this one, and coming in with the ideas that because we are believers in Christ, we are to love unconditionally. And as a brother and sister in Christ that is true, but in a romantic sense that That is not true. Dating is a time that you are to be evaluating, you're to be assessing, you are trying to see is he a good match, is she a good with me, and you are weighing and measuring and looking at that. And so this is a not for unconditional love, but you are really evaluating and assessing the other person and seeing do their words match up with their actions. And I love that you are about to touch on something about patterns.

Chris [00:05:54] Yeah. And so, let's recap real quickly. A, you know, if dating, some of the foundational things are recognizing it's a contractual relationship. I think two, recognizing that dating is a time to gather those sorts of information. It's a time to explore questions like, all right, are we to be together? Is this, do I see a future with So, does this person... Not just, you know, say things but do things. Are they in trust rates? Time for information. And then the third might be what, you, know, the word patterns. Are too many times people date and that you can almost hear them saying, you know they, I know they're not doing this now but I know they will. And you know like, well, let's go to the humor one. Well, they're, not really funny most of the time or I don't really get their sense of humor. They don't get wine. But I can tell that it's going to happen more like that, like hoping for versus a pattern lease and there's some things to look for as we set those three, let's say, as a foundation.

Alisa [00:07:03] Yeah, so one of the things we always use with our students, we do with our kids, is that you date for patterns, not potential.

Chris [00:07:12] Woo, that's good.

Alisa [00:07:13] And you do that because you never have a guarantee that they are going to reach that potential that you're hoping for. And I think especially within the Christian circles, one might be if the other person isn't really a believer, but they're so nice and they agreed to go to church with me and so there's a lot of potential there. And that's really scary because especially when it comes to something of faith. That's going to be one of those deal breakers that would that person be pursuing Christ? Would they be going to church reading their Bible if you were never in the picture or if you left the picture? And if the answer is no, then that's probably a really good indication that it's not genuine and authentic for them. They're just doing it to please you.

Chris [00:08:05] So that even can lead into one of the first signs that this isn't a good place for you is if there's a difference in faith in your walk, right? And if you don't see that, I remember our good friend and colleague John Lundy always says something, at least he says that if that other person doesn't have this vibrant walk with Christ and there's no evidence that they want to do this. Or can match where your heart is going at with their heart, then there's some incompatibility there That's really a red flag

Alisa [00:08:42] Yeah, and in fact I think the quote that he uses is just what he came up with and has decided in his research is that the failure, most often the failure of every Christian marriage comes down to either one or both of the spouses failing to grow in their relationship to Christ.

Chris [00:09:05] There you go.

Alisa [00:09:06] And so if they're not even doing it when you're dating, why would you have any suspicion that they would do that when you were married? And in fact, once you get married, you're not, okay, let's say that when you are dating, you're on your A game, right? I'm showing you the best of me because I'm wooing you. I want you to like me. I want to you to fall in love with me. You are pretty successful. Well, thank you. But that's the thing is that we're on our best behavior, right. So what happens once you've been dating for a while, once you get married and you no longer are having, I mean really in a healthy marriage you're going to keep pursuing each other. But this is the point when they don't have to fake it anymore and all of a sudden the cracks are starting to show because they don' t have to woo you anymore. So they're actually showing the real you and you can only pretend for so long. You can only keep that facade up for so and so Date for patterns. Look to see, is there a pattern of Bible study, of growing in their faith, of sharing what's the Lord doing in your life right now? And they're really serious about it. That's great. I love that. That's a big red flag if that's not there. In fact, it doesn't even matter what the other ones are if that one's not in place.

Chris [00:10:23] It's not a good idea. As to another one that's similar, right? Only if, you know, oh man, this would be a perfect dating relationship, only if blank, you know? And so, I think a red flag would be if there's a lot of those out there. Lisa, give us an only if this person was that they need to stop and go, yeah, that's it. You already talked about faith, but what's another one?

Alisa [00:10:51] Well, no, one might be, you know, if he only didn't have an explosive temper. Every once in a while, he's really, you now, when he gets angry, he really lashes out, but then he feels bad, and so it's just like if he just wasn't so angry, it would be perfect. You know, If he just didn't drink so much, it'd be perfect, you if he didn't smoke weed, it would be perfect.

Chris [00:11:15] Well, yeah, well, you dropped the weed thing.

Alisa [00:11:17] Or what if if only she didn't have, you know, a different sense of humor than me should be perfect.

Chris [00:11:25] And I think, Lise, if you're dating somebody and you're at this point where the majority of everything is good, right, between us, but there's nagging kind of couple of doubts about something like that, I think those doubts, you know, if they're small enough, You know, they don't seem cleanliness for me, or... Sometimes, you know, they drive around in a car that is so messy. I'm like, wow. And then you look at their room and it's like, well, it's a mess. I think that one could probably be checked off as well. It's OK if it's not a big deal to you, right? Right. But for others, that's a big D. Oh, we're like over time. It can really great. And it could grant on you. And so you have to really weigh those carefully. Yeah, good. All right. So that's that's the sign. Let's try another one. What if this one? And this is this one. Um is really kind of getting at the heart of something. What if you never felt heard or understood? It's kind of related to emotional connection, right? What if there's man everything's good between us and all of that but oftentimes leave our conversation not quite sure if they've really heard who I am or have or feel where I'm at. It's like it's not like they're selfish, It's just that there's a lot left. To be desired, where I want to go or be understood by. And it's that idea of, no, I don't know. They seem a little, let's call it that, a little preoccupied with them. Maybe self-absorbed. Yeah, but they don't really get, I don' feel like I get hurt all the time.

Alisa [00:13:10] Maybe they're not curious about me and my dreams, my hopes, or if there's a conflict, why is this important to me? And if I share it, they become defensive or they're critical, as opposed to listening to really understand and accept you where you are.

Chris [00:13:29] Or if you're sharing something that's, you know, not related to the relationship, right? But that's important to you and they're like, oh wow, that sounds like a bad day at work. Hey, what do you want to have for dinner? You know?

Alisa [00:13:41] Or, hey, look at this video, this would be really fun. It's like, yeah, I don't really get into those videos. It's, like, oh, well, okay.

Chris [00:13:48] That could be a red flag, especially Lisa. They're not willing to try. If they're not really to try, you have to kind of pursue them a lot. Maybe you used a couple of other words, you know, they're not curious about you as much as you need. You know, they're willing to engage with you in that way. It's only going to get worse if this relationship goes on. And the other one is you're kind of trying to get their attention all the time and they're like Okay, whatever. That's fine. I don't want to see that video, so let's do something else that's interesting. That's a great red flag. Give me another one that you think is out there.

Alisa [00:14:21] Okay, I think another one is if you find yourself consistently feeling like you have to make apologies for your boyfriend or girlfriend's behavior, like to your friends, to your family. If they see something going on and they're calling it out and you consistently have to defend them, that can be a red flag. If you find that. Like, all your friends are like, why are you dating that person? That just, you know, you could do so much better. Or they don't treat you right. Or your family really doesn't like them. You know, if it's one or two people, that's one thing. But if you're finding that in general, your friends don't like him in general. Your family doesn't them. And that you're having to defend them all the time because of their bad behavior. And one that you recognize because you're embarrassed about it.

Chris [00:15:19] Yeah, okay, bad behavior, you know, it makes me think about too, there's sometimes some people in our lives that I like to trust, because they kind of got a feeling or something. You know, so let's suppose you're in a dating relationship and the other person maybe can't articulate a particular behavior that the person you're doing is dating. But they just like, there's something off. I'm picking up something. I'm thinking of something. So I knew somebody was dating somebody one time and I was picking up some negatives. Like they just seemed like when there were other people together in the room, a bunch of people that in that dating relationship, this person was always ignoring everybody else that were kind of engaging in a group social context and just focused on the date. Just focused on them Just you know kind of like hugging them and kissing them You know in a I guess in this kind of group setting or everybody was trying to be together Yeah, and it's like oh, that's that's interesting they they seem either preoccupied with trying to continue to woo this person or they're not comfortable around other people or They're just pretty much giving me the sign like hey, I don't really hear about you I'm only here for them, and that's just something like the red flag, right?

Alisa [00:16:44] Yeah, so like they expected their boyfriend or girlfriend to cut everybody else off and just be enmeshed and nil, and just nil.

Chris [00:16:54] I would say let's call that the lead into the next red flag, right? If you are in a dating relationship in which, as we just said, other people kind of see something going off or doesn't, you know, they're doing behaviors that bother them or just that feeling, pay attention and listen to that. I could be a red flag. They're picking up something that you might be blinded to, right, this idea of blind sight. When we're falling in love, when we're liking somebody, when we're there. I think one thing you have to be very careful of is blind sight, that we will overlook some of these things that other people don't. And we have to really careful if you're doing that, and that's why being in community and with others is really helpful. Well, you know, when it comes to money and marriage, we all want clarity and confidence, right? And especially unity with spouses, right. I think Lisa, that's why we get to work personally with Colby Gilmore of Blue Trust.

Alisa [00:17:55] That's right, Colby Gilmore, along with other Blue Trust certified wealth strategists, offers personalized, biblically centered financial planning and investment management services, no matter what your income level is.

Chris [00:18:09] Lisa, say that title twice. Blue Trust Certified Wealth Strategist. That's a tough one. You know, sure I could. I know. So they do put clients' best interests first, and they don't sell financial products. I love that about them.

Alisa [00:18:21] Me too, and you know what, we highly recommend Colby Gilmore and Blue Trust for anyone looking for both financial unity with your spouse and opportunities to increase your wealth and your generosity.

Chris [00:18:33] Yeah, so if you guys want to check out ronblue.com or reach out to Colby Gilmore at colby.gilmore at ron blue.com that's colby dot gilmore at rong blue. Com I think you guys will be glad you did.

Mandy [00:18:51] You

Chris [00:18:54] Yeah, and so let's continue with this idea that other people see things that maybe you don't see.

Alisa [00:19:03] Or maybe you do see that you're just ignoring them and overlooking them because you want this relationship so badly. And in fact, our friend Willa Williams, that's a marriage and family therapist, she's been a guest on our show before. One thing that she'll say is, what are you pretending not to know? What are you pretending not to No, it's those things you see them. And you know that it's not good, but because you so desperately want this relationship to work out, you are willing to overlook these big red flags.

Chris [00:19:37] That's great. Yeah, that's good. Let's try another red flag, kind of similar. And it might be that there's enough conflict in the relationship that it is starting to drain you emotionally. It's starting to be more of a pattern. You seem like you can't get over a couple of things, or the conflicts keep coming up again and again. Conflict isn't the red flag. Dealing with intractable issues isn't necessarily a red flag, what's the red flag is you or they don't have the skills to learn how to manage the conflict. Or there's a way in which your conflict just kind of gets to a point where you either hack we ass, you know, you're like, I don't want to cause any more. But, but... It starts to drain now and you're almost like, what am I doing? I'm getting feeling more isolated every time, even in a dating relationship. And so at least a little bit of conflict, normal. A lot of conflict if you manage it well, pretty normal. But conflict that's either. Unmanaged, right? You don't figure out the good steps. You don' t figure out how to win-win. And you keep arguing over the same thing. You keep arguing and one of them becomes kind of, let's say the person you're dating becomes stubborn, set in their ways, doesn't want to do this, but more importantly doesn't really want to engage in a conflict conversation that's a win- win is maybe a red fly.

Alisa [00:21:20] Yeah and I think another one with that, you're absolutely right, is maybe they're draining because they're so needy. There's just a lot of maybe emotional or physical, mental unhealth and they're not getting the appropriate help they need either they don't have access to it or they're unwilling to and so they rely really exclusively on you and it's just It's draining. And so if you find that being with them is you're wanting more of a break from them than being with him gives you a break for the rest of life, that should be a red flag.

Chris [00:22:03] And that's, that's great. You know, if you're, yeah, if you're with somebody who, who you're like, all right, man, these issues go deep. Two things to keep in mind. One, you're not a therapist, most likely, or trained in helping somebody in this place where they're very emotionally needed or they have issues or a past that is like, all right man, that is deep. It's not a red flag. But it is, if they're not willing to seek help, if they are not trying to grow, if they haven't went and talked to somebody about this deep need and then getting back to the needy part, yeah, you can be like, oh my gosh, they're constantly wanting to be with me and constantly being needy and making me not hang out with my friends because they're so needy. I think that's another red flag, right? They're wanting you to be exclusively with them. To the point where they get upset when you're out with your friends developing your relationships or your family. Anybody else? Yeah, that could fall under that needy category. Insecure and needy. Yeah, no, that's another great red flag. Okay. All right, at least give us another one. I thought it was...

Alisa [00:23:16] I thought of another one that came up while you were talking, is if the person you're dating is unable to say, I'm sorry, if they're unable to own when they mess up, if they're able to say wow, I could be wrong about this, or to apologize or to ask for forgiveness, if their never willing to do that, admit that they were wrong, that's Huge red flag. Because I love it, I forget who said this, but somebody that once said marriage is the union of two really good forgivers. And it's not only somebody that's willing to extend forgiveness, but has the humility and the heart posture where they're willing to ask for forgiveness. And those nine magic words, right? That we always talk about the, I'm sorry, I was wrong, please forgive me.

Chris [00:24:13] Yo

Alisa [00:24:14] You need somebody that can do that.

Chris [00:24:16] Yeah, it's amazing how many times that, in our relationship, that phrase is uttered by just one of us, and it's usually me. All right, all right, man, I messed up. I'm sorry. No, you don't, you're good. I have, I use them so much, I finally just tattooed them right here, and then I just say like, there you go, man. I was wrong, I'm so sorry, please forgive me. And I like get this, people are like, yeah, that's a great tattoo.

Alisa [00:24:41] You know what? What you just said is probably another red flag, right? That has to do with the same thing. But you just you said the nine magic words, but it's the tone that you used, right? Almost like, okay, I'm sorry. I'm always wrong. Yeah, I can't do anything right. And that, when somebody has that kind of... Perspective and attitude in apologizing, where it comes across as, you know what, I don't think you really are asking for forgiveness, I think you are owning it, because this sure doesn't sound like it, it sounds like you're being sarcastic.

Chris [00:25:21] Wow, guess what, we psychologists and well, other people too who know it, really have found least that the secret to picking out dishonesty, lies or shading the truth, really look at the disconnect between a person's words. And their behavior and the non-verbals. So the words are, oh, okay, yeah, I'm sorry. Like, I am not sure that told me you are, okay? There's a difference. So the disconnect between your words and your non-verbal, and we're very attuned to that. We're gonna believe the nonverbal each time because I could go, I not angry, and you would go, oh Elkridge, I think maybe you are. Like, yeah I'm not angry. I'm angry. You're like... I don't know who you are. But then you're like, so if you find that to be the case where you're constantly sensing a disconnect between words and, you know, they're non-verbals, I think you need to pay attention to that especially in that area. By the way, another one that comes to mind is when a red flag is if the person that your dating is unable to access The part of them that you and everyone else, their needs, that is their heart. Like there's a disconnect between their head and the heart, you know, they don't really understand their feelings or they don t really want to talk about them and if you say, hey, is everything all right, they're like, no, everything's fine. And you know it's not, but they're, like, it's fine, I don't want to talk about it, right? We all struggle with this. You can have a great marriage with a person who is yet connected maybe in a strong way to that kind of deeper part about what's going on with them. But the red flag is that they constantly say, I don't want to talk about it. It's fine. Just ignore it. I don' want to get into conflict, right? They push the person away by saying everything's fine when you know it's not. But what I worry about there isn't the fact that maybe some people aren't good at You know, what's really going on in their heart. You would constantly try more and better and you came up with a way to do that. You would say, Chris, I don't know what's going on in my heart right now and I would even say that for you. At least it doesn't sound like you're kind of like and you'd say, I just I'm not there but I need a little bit of time. Give me some time and that's a strategy that we learn for people to go, all right, Take some time. Pause, pray, ask God to search your heart. And if you see that in the other person that they're willing to try, then I think that's That's a great sign. They're willing at least work on a skill, something in their tool chest that they will need at some point. It's the not wanting to work on it, constantly avoiding conflict, constantly just saying everything's fine when you know, I don't really know if it is or not.

Alisa [00:28:37] Okay, maybe a final one. Yeah, are we running out of time? Yeah, let's do a final one. Did you have one? Yeah. One that came to mind was if you're dating a person that will not respect the boundaries that you set, right? So let's imagine that, you know, maybe it's you set a boundary on alcohol. Maybe you have your family has had alcohol issues and so You know, I don't drink. It's okay if you want to, but I'm not going to. But yet, they consistently press you to do it. Oh, come on, one won't hurt. Just try this one. I think you'll really like it. But it's like, you know, that's a boundary that I've set for myself, and I really would want the person I'm dating to respect that boundary.

Chris [00:29:26] You know, so a time we're driving down the freeway, going down to a family member of yours and I had never met, we'd been married like a week or two. I think we were engaged. Yeah, okay, we were almost there, not quite there, but we were driving to go see a family member in another city and I still remember, you know, I'm driving and you asked me this question, hey, I just want you to let you know this family member mine is you know, does drink and is going to offer you a beer, what are you gonna say? I mean, what will you do when you get there? And I remember driving going, well, I'll probably accept it and maybe drink it.

Alisa [00:30:06] And this was my face in the car with.

Chris [00:30:09] Yeah, and I'm driving and I could see that face. And I went, well, I would drink it. I wouldn't swallow. And I just pretend. I didn't inhale. I'll go like this and spit it out. I didn' say that. But I quickly went, all right, well let's talk about this, because we came from different backgrounds.

Alisa [00:30:26] Yeah, mine was a very Southern Baptist. Alcohol was not part of my family really growing up. It wasn't part of how I did life. But you grew up very differently.

Chris [00:30:37] Yeah, no, I grew up drinking beer when I was four. I mean, I think I went to the store about my first six pack. No idea. But yeah, so it was very different. Came to Christ later in life and social things like that were fine with me to connect with somebody. My point that I made on that drive was, man, I want to be able if this guy's, you know, not Christian or not a Christian and does this and I can connect with him. He makes, you know I can make him feel, I'm not going to get drunk, you You know, but… the pivot was your reaction and the importance of this. So, we spent the next little bit of time listening and I think, well, we decided to do it this way. I wouldn't drink and we just simply say, oh, no, thanks. And that went on for a number of years in our marriage which is great. Now, I think the point you were making was there are behaviors and things that the other person does, but they would... Push you on it. Like, like if I were to say, well, just grow up and everybody drinks and it's not a big deal, or all right, at least whatever. Why are you being so legalistic? Yeah, and then I go there and either hide it from you or say, well, yeah, I'm sorry, man. Forgive me. I won't do it again. But then if he were to press you. Just try it. Seriously, I still remember the first time you ever tried alcohol. And we went to a high church, and they were using wine for the. OK, never mind, they weren't.

Alisa [00:32:12] I was going to say, I don't think I remember this one. Maybe I had a little too much communion.

Chris [00:32:20] You'd stumbled out of church. I'm like, Lisa, man, that wasn't great. We are going to that church every week. Yeah, I know. But I still remember. OK, yeah. Your point. Red flag. Let's get to that. When the person you're with does respect your boundaries and maybe it's a boundary, like, for example. Hey, you have asked them not to be in contact with all their exes. Oh, good. And you're like, hey, that's a boundary that's important to me. And they're like oh yeah, okay. It's just a friend. Oh, they're just a friends. They've been my best friend forever. And you like, well, that a boundary for me because I'm not really certain where your heart lies. That's kind of why it's so bad. And like, oh, you just have to trust me, you know. Okay. Pushing that boundary or the physical boundary, you know, they want to have a more intimate physical relationship that you're comfortable with while you're dating. And you're like, no, I got a boundary here, but they either keep pushing or they don't really care if there's a mess up or two. And they're like well, I don't feel guilty. Like, all right, it's not about what your personal maybe moral beliefs, though it really is, but it's just the fact that you. Are kind of pushing me to do things I'm not comfortable with. And I think that's a red flag in a relationship, yeah. And that applies to pushing boundaries in so many areas, right? I don't want to do this. I don t like to do this. Yet I feel like I have to just to keep this person in my relationship or to keep the conflict at a minimum. Well, those are some great red flags, Lise, that we can go through. You know, there are a lot of other ones. That we want to talk about at some point I think I think one that stands out to me Lisa is is just if there's an idea in which for you probably the biggest one and we'll end with this one if you're with the person that you date but you feel unsafe now the physical makes sense right I mean if you feel safe uh physically well I think that's not just a red flag you know That's marching orders, you know, that's- You know, like you're uncomfortable, they grab you too hard sometimes whatever, you know, just three little letters R-U-N, three big letters. You run, you get out of it. Run and done. That makes sense. We get that. But there are other times where you're not quite feeling emotionally safe with them. That is my trust and my vulnerability, my opening up my heart to this person in a dating relationship which starts slowly, right? I start to kind of reveal my heart to the other person, and that's this. Beginning stage of growing in intimacy, but I get hurt because I find out later the person I'm dating has shared some of these details with their friends. Some of our conflicts or- Or uses it against you in the argument. They bring it back up against you. So now that's what emotional safety issues that I think are a red flag that you need to start paying to if you're in a dating relationship. And you've been vulnerable, you're sharing, let's say at an appropriate level, but it's either used back against you or you're finding out that he's sharing all of these what you thought were private details with somebody and now you're not emotionally safe or you are at a point where you are feeling these emotions of I just don't know if I trust you. I don't know, based upon some of that, I think that's a red flag.

Alisa [00:36:04] I completely agree with you. I think another instance of that would be like if you shared something that the other person has done that has maybe hurt your feelings or something and you finally get up the courage to tell them and then they react defensively or criticize, they turn it back on you. Well, if you wouldn't have done this, then I wouldn't have done that. And so that's a big red flag that you're talking about, I think, is that emotional safety. You want somebody that can own it when, if you're bringing something, in all honesty, this hurt me when you teased me in front of everybody about that really kind of tender personal thing in my life. It really hurt my feelings and embarrassed me when you did that in front a group. And if, like you said, oh, grow up. Come on, nobody cared. Everybody thought it was funny. Nobody thinks anything about it as opposed to hearing the other person what you want to hear is that wow I can tell that that that I really hurt your feelings and embarrassed you I hear what you're saying in fact I could tell on your face right when I said it that it wasn't good and I just want you to know I'm really sorry I regret that I did that and I won't ever do again. Will you please forgive me? Yeah. That's what you want to hear. That what you wanna see.

Chris [00:37:29] And so here's that red flag and another level at the same way, is what you just brought up, Lise. If you were with somebody who in social situations, because you guys laugh and have fun, they tend to tease you. They and and and it gets to a point where they say something sarcastic like oh Yeah, you should see her when she goes to the restaurant. She orders double fries and a triple, triple and wow, we were just talking about not eating so much. And then it was like... And everybody laughs and you're like, oh, yeah, yeah. You know, it went off the top, whatever. It's that teasing with the poke. It's pushing and things. It's that, and you just begin to feel emotionally unsafe. So that unsafety issue is a big one, a big red flag. And I think that's great, that's awesome. I'll tell you what, man, there's a lot of other red flags out there.

Alisa [00:38:29] Oh man, we could keep going, couldn't we? Yeah, I mean.

Chris [00:38:31] Maybe some of you are saying that it is. I think the final thing, we talked about the foundations things, we are there and what we have, really comes down to this. Does this person bring you and make you feel closer to God? Or do they make you fell conflicted or emotionally unsafe or do they feel untrusted or unheard? Because those are none of the things that Jesus said. In John 13, 34 and 35, a new commandment I give you that you love one another, just as I have loved you, that's how you're supposed to love someone else. By this all men will know you're my disciples if you have love for one another. And so if you want the perfect, I guess, expectation list, this is the most healthiest to do, Jesus said. Is the way you love that other person is the way that I have loved you. Are they loving you that way? Or are you feeling some of these red flags and in fact it's not bringing you closer to God. It is not making you feel emotional. Do you think Jesus would do this to another person? Kind of tease them in public about that? Do you thing he said that to the adulterous woman and you know He was by herself when he talked with her. And so like, oh, wait a minute, I'm not sure it'd be treated this way in a good way. So that foundational ones that we talked about at the very beginning summarized at the very end by saying if there's behaviors that aren't bringing you and the other person closer to God and together you don't feel like you're serving God or loving him even more or you're not treated by the commandment in John 13, 34 and 35 and you're feeling that. It's the time to start checking out. All right, what's going on here is relationship. I need to talk to somebody. I need go listen to another Art of Relationship podcast. Because you can find those, where Lisa?

Alisa [00:40:33] Yeah, gosh, you can find it on all of your platforms. We got obviously right here, YouTube, Spotify, iTunes, Apple Music. Yeah, you were on there everywhere. So click the thumbs up.

Chris [00:40:48] And link to the best place and say I like it. I'm just- A lot. A lot, and text us, do what you're supposed to do when you like something and you tell them you like some thing, and then go listen and include a Zell and a Ben Mo because we're donor based. All right, hey, good seeing you guys. Yeah. Have an enjoyable rest of your day.

Alisa [00:41:18] We'll see you next time on the Art of...

Mandy [00:41:24] We're very glad you joined us for today's podcast. For more resources on marriage and healthy relationships, please visit our website at cmr.biola.edu. We'll see you next time on The Art of Relationships.