How Do I Know If He Is ‘The One’ For Me?
A student once asked me, “How do I know if this person is ‘the one’?” Her heart said she was falling in love, yet her gut felt uneasy. He was kind, funny, and attentive, but he had a history of rapid, intense relationships and said, “I love you,” after just two months.
A young man faced a similar dilemma. He was crazy about his girlfriend, but they mismatched on major life values. Still, their physical chemistry was off the charts. He wondered, “Surely God wouldn’t give me feelings this strong if it were wrong?”
Can we trust our feelings in dating?
The answer is both yes and no. Navigating early love requires balancing emotional intuition with biblical wisdom and relentless prayer.
Emotional Intuition: The Spark and the Trap
God often speaks through our feelings and internal promptings. Isaiah 30:21 reminds us that His voice guides our steps, saying, “This is the way; walk in it.” However, early romance is a chemical thunderstorm. Dopamine, oxytocin, and serotonin flood our brains, masking serious red flags. This isn't always God speaking; sometimes it is just infatuation.
Jeremiah 17:9 warns us, “The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure.” Unhealed emotional wounds can easily mistake a toxic, familiar pattern for true love. Brain chemistry alone is an unreliable guide, for we are prone to being blinded by infatuation.
Wisdom: Putting on the Brakes
The early stage of dating is for gathering information, not committing to a lifetime. Trying to go back to “just kissing” is nearly impossible if you have had sex or gotten very close to it. Intentionally discuss non-negotiable values of faith, expectations, and purity standards before you become too emotionally attached.
Enjoy getting to know the person as they are today, rather than projecting a full future with them. How the person acted yesterday and acts today is the best guide, not their future potential or who you hope they will become.
To keep your head above the intoxicating emotional fog, you must implement a relationship “speed limit.”
Healthy Dating Boundaries
- Set physical boundaries early: Decide your physical limits before you are in the heat of the moment.
- Limit your time: Go on dates once or twice a week, and keep marriage conversations off the table for at least six months.
- Watch for love bombing: If a partner pressures you for instant, intense commitment, intentionally slow things down.
- Protect your history: Keep intimate details of your past vulnerabilities private until trust is fully earned.
- Keep your circle close: Maintain your friendships, mentors, and family. Do not isolate yourself in a romantic bubble.
- Look for patterns, not potential: Base your evaluation on how they actually behave today, not who you hope they will magically become tomorrow.
10 Questions to Ask Yourself
- Am I separating “what is” from “what could be”?
- Is my partner relying on wise counsel and trusted friends?
- Am I relying on wise counsel and trusted friends?
- Am I being pressured to cross physical boundaries?
- Do I feel respected in this relationship, or merely lusted after?
- Do I regularly feel the need to alter my core values for them?
- Do our perspectives on faith, family, and character actually align?
- Do they prioritize honesty and consider my best interests?
- Am I being treated like a child of God?
- Am I hoping and praying for the right things?
Prayer: Surrendering the Outcome
Healthy relationships require deep prayer. We must hand our affections over to God daily and accept His answers. When we pray, God always responds. In dating, His answers usually take one of four forms:
- “No, I love you too much to give you that.” (Divine protection)
- “Yes, I’ve been waiting for you to partner with Me.” (Divine alignment)
- “Yes, but you need to wait a little bit.” (Divine timing)
- “Yes, but wrapped in a package you don't recognize.” (Divine mystery)
Guard Your Heart
True compatibility is more than a few shared hobbies and physical chemistry. Proverbs 4:23 commands, “Keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the springs of life.”
Infatuation thrives in isolated, romantic bubbles. True wisdom tests a relationship in the messy reality of everyday life, checking everything against Scripture and the counsel of godly friends.
If the future is still blurry, do not rush. The early stages of love will always feel like a whirlwind, but you don't have to get swept away. “The one” God has for you will never require you to compromise who you are, what you value, or where you stand with Him.
Guard your heart, pump the brakes when chemistry tries to rush you, and keep your knees bent in prayer. God doesn't leave us guessing in the dark. Trust His timing, test everything against His Word, and let wisdom lead the way to a love that lasts.
So…
Don’t get swept away by a chemical whirlwind. True love relies on divine alignment, not just dopamine. Guard your heart, watch the patterns, and let God guide your steps.
Authors
Chris Grace
Chris Grace, Ph.D., is a professor of psychology at Rosemead School of Psychology and Director of the Biola University Center for Marriage and Relationships. With degrees in psychology from the University of Northern Colorado (B.A.) and Colorado State University (M.S. and Ph.D. in Experimental Social Psychology), he has taught and written extensively on relationships, marriage, and the integration of faith and psychology. Honored with awards for both teaching and scholarship, Chris is passionate about making research and biblical wisdom practical and accessible. Together with his wife, Alisa, he speaks nationally to couples, singles, and churches, and co-hosts The Art of Relationships podcast, equipping thousands with tools to build stronger, Christ-centered relationships.
