In this episode, Chris and Alisa Grace explore the psychology behind whirlwind romances: relationships that move quickly with intense passion and early commitment, but often lack deep emotional intimacy. They discuss Robert Sternberg’s triangular theory of love, highlighting how passion and commitment can create the illusion of a strong relationship when intimacy hasn’t had time to develop.

They unpack key signs of a whirlwind romance, like instant chemistry, rapid emotional closeness, constant communication, and early talk of a future together. The episode also dives into the role of brain chemistry (dopamine and oxytocin) that can make these relationships feel deeper than they actually are. Chris and Alisa offer practical wisdom on why intensity doesn’t equal intimacy, the risks of moving too fast, and how to slow things down by setting boundaries, building friendship, and developing a solid foundation over time.

Resources Mentioned:

• Triangular Theory of Love – Framework by Robert Sternberg explaining love through intimacy, passion, and commitment.

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About the Hosts:
Chris Grace, Ph.D., and Alisa Grace are passionate about helping people build and sustain healthy relationships. As leaders of the Biola University Center for Marriage and Relationships, they combine the wisdom of Scripture with scholarly research to offer practical advice and insights. Learn more about their work at cmr.biola.edu.

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Alisa: 00:00
Some relationships move really incredibly fast. You know, you meet, there's instant chemistry, intense emotion, and before long, you find that you are talking about forever. So it's like everything just feels exciting and certain and like it's meant to be. But beneath that intensity, sometimes something really important may be missing deep intimacy.

Chris: 00:24
Yeah, at least these relationships seem to be often, you know, moving quickly, right? They have exclusivity and maybe engagement and maybe even deciding to get married. We're gonna talk about a triangle theory of love. A guy named Robert Sternberg came up with it, and we're gonna talk about what happens when a relationship is built on this commitment and passion, but they have yet to have an intimate friendship develop. So in this episode, we'll explore the psychology behind whirlwind romances, why they feel so compelling, the risk of moving too fast, and how to build a relationship that's rooted in both passion and deep connection.

Mandy: 01:04
Welcome to the Art of Relationships. This podcast is produced by the Biola University Center for Marriage and Relationships. Let's get right into it.

Chris: 01:14
Well, welcome to this podcast again, Lisa on Whirlwind, passion, romance.

Alisa: 01:20
It's a great topic.

Chris: 01:21
It really is, because we've been talking in this whole series about kinds of love based upon, as we mentioned before, a triangular theory of love. And it's this idea that there are only complete, true, epic love, right, when you have the whole triangle, you know, filled out. That is, you have emotional intimacy at the top, you have passion at the on the left hand side of the triangle, and you have commitment on the right hand side. And so we've covered a couple of those types of love in which one or two are missing. And uh I this one's going to be interesting because we're going to talk about, let's let's look at again in a triangle. Imagine the bottom right uh corner and the bottom left corner. The bottom right is commitment, and the bottom left is this idea of passion. And by the way, when you put all three together, this is interesting. You put emotional intimacy at the very top, you put you know, passion on the bottom left, and you put commitment on the bottom right. That's the triangular theory. You put those letters together and you got E P I C right in the middle, an epic love, right? That's what we call it here at the center, epic love. So the EI, emotional intimacy, is about this idea of friendship, liking, developing a deep companionship. Okay. Now, on the bottom left, Lisa, you have again, just to remind everybody, the P for passion. And on the right, you have the C for commitment. What happens, though, is every once in a while, I'll get a student, and uh it's oftentimes a male, and he is convinced that God has spoken to him and is calling him to marry a particular girl that he knows or has met. They don't have a friendship yet. She she has no idea this is going on. They're not even dating, but he is um he is convinced this is going to be the one for him, and he's just going to wait for the right time. And there's obviously a lot of passion, and you know, she somehow, you know, pull bat out, whether she has it or not. But the suppose uh the that this guy meets somebody who is now like, I'm just waiting for someone for God to speak to me. And the guy comes up and says, I think God has spoken to me, and we're supposed to get married. Yeah, and all of a sudden she's like, Wow, okay.

Alisa: 03:50
So what you just described is what we call a whirlwind romance, which is kind of interesting because when we go back to uh the beginning of our story, we had a little bit of a whirlwind romance. And and one of the ways you could define a whirlwind romance is that it gets very serious very quickly before you've really had time to establish some deep emotional intimacy.

Chris: 04:18
And so here's the triangle without the the tip, the top, right? The emotional intimacy. These are the kinds now, whirlwind romances are oftentimes things that we think of that used to happen in the past, right? You sometimes get set up, you know, maybe a parent arranges a marriage, you kind of go like, Well, I used to get a choice, and you see somebody like I really like them, and my parents want me to marry them, but uh you don't know who they are. You've never spend any time with them.

Alisa: 04:49
I think my parents met and were engaged in six weeks. Now, again, this is like back in the 1950s, but um, but yeah, theirs was a whirlwind romance.

Chris: 05:02
And I think we had a little bit of that. There was a, but it it was more of we knew we wanted to start a friendship with each other, mostly because we had a uh very quickly developed some emotional intimacy, liking and friendship, right? Right.

Alisa: 05:19
So we also had that going for us, but yeah, but it's worth taking a look because it this is a really it's a very common occurrence. And one of the some of the characteristics.

Chris: 05:37
What's that characteristic?

Alisa: 05:39
Well, I think it you you would know it by there's like intense chemistry right away. You get really close emotionally very quickly. You start using phrases like I love you, or talking about a future together after only a very short time together. And so it's just characterized by very high emotional intensity, yeah.

Chris: 06:05
And um again, God may very well be leading, you know, you and spoken to you and and told you. I I will say this is where ours has some parallels. I felt after the first or second time that we were together, I I just felt God was going that you were going to be the one. Now, I didn't know if it was it was the type your type or your who you are. You love G you matched all the boxes. Okay. But next, what happened, I think, is where we probably took a good turn, which was okay, I never shared that with you. You never knew that. Yeah, I didn't come up and tell you, hey, God has told me at least I'm supposed to marry you. I saw her at a wedding 10 minutes later into it. I'm like, oh man, God. And so I began a very intensive prayer session, very intensive conversations with friends, met you as another time, then I met you again, you know, and knew the right path was. We're going to have to see if we're friends and like each other, or if I can like her. And that started, you know, six months of developing a friendship.

Alisa: 07:20
Yeah, it really did. And that yeah, I think one of the keys is that we didn't have a lot of physical intimacy, there wasn't a lot of people. Which really helped the friendship to develop, which was key for us.

Chris: 07:31
Yeah, we didn't have that mostly because uh uh uh Alicia lived, you know, about almost 1,000 miles in away from me. I was in northern Colorado, you were in the panhandle of Texas. It was really hard to have a physical relationship at that distance, I'll be honest with you.

Alisa: 07:47
Yeah, yeah.

Chris: 07:48
Zoom didn't exist, nothing existed.

Alisa: 07:50
No, the phone, yeah. Yeah, we spent a lot of time. And letter writing. So you you were talking about Sternberg's, is it Sternberg? Uh-huh. The the triangle of of that emotions, the theory of love. Uh-huh. The theory of love. So you have the intimacy, um, the passion, and the commitment. Yeah. And the thing about whirlwind romances is that that relationship will often feel deep, but it really has not had the time to develop depth.

Chris: 08:20
Yeah, that's right. The it it the feel this is where feelings, things like oxytocin, things like dopamine, things, this is where that intense high fools the brain, right?

Alisa: 08:32
I mean, it's an illusion of intimacy.

Chris: 08:34
It is. It's and right, being flooded with those home hormones creates the illusion that, oh my goodness, this is it. This is, and and that's how bonding happens. I mean, those hormones are powerful in bonding, but when they happen with a, let's say, a relative stranger, to be honest, brain changes go in with and begin this bonding process without really recognizing, man, I don't even, we're not, they have no idea if they're compatible in any major area of life. Yeah. Right? So I think that's right. That's what happens.

Alisa: 09:09
Yeah. I think what we see is with these kind of um high-intensity whirlwind romances that the passion is high, the commitment comes very quickly, and the intimacy is underdeveloped because it just has not had the time for the relationship, for the two to build a really firm, strong foundation, because that comes with the gift of time.

Chris: 09:33
It sure does. So dopamine rushes, right? This bonding hormone oxytocin is just part of the natural sequence, and those feelings, what we would say that's an intensity, that's very strong. But intensity does not equal intimacy. I know they're probably related somehow, but yeah, boom, they're probably related somehow. Intensity and intimacy in in language, you know, if someone wants to tell us, but here's the thing: they're not the same. That feeling of intimacy is gone or of intensity is ultimately going to need to be replaced by what's this deep, important emotional intimacy, this companionate, this strong feeling of like for another person. And okay, I don't know if any of the listeners have had a you know, fairly, you know, maybe a passionate, you know, college romance or high school sweetheart, and it's just, you know, full of passion. And they're they're thinking about commitment, but really, once that settles down and a few years later, they're going, you know what? I I'm not even sure I know this who this person really is. I've been almost blinded by this passion.

Alisa: 10:47
So what are what are some like concrete, tangible signs uh of a whirlwind romance?

Chris: 10:54
Well, I uh one that would be the easiest would be if I could just simply do a real quick blood test, man, or if I could take some spinal fluid, right? I'm gonna find, you know, not only adrenaline and oxytocin and dopamine, you're right. I'm gonna I'm gonna see this. So instead we're left with, well, describe your, you know, your emotional state right now. And if it's euphoria, then you're like, well, okay, I meant you have to have euphoria in a relationship, but yuck another sign of it.

Alisa: 11:24
Well, I think what leads to that feeling that we are deeply connected is in that whirlwind romance, we're sharing stories about our life. You know, sharing stories, uh, a lot of stories about our background, our life, our experiences. We're constantly in communication, texting, talking on the phone, spending a lot of time together. Uh, we just feel seen and heard and understood, like, oh my gosh, this person is my soulmate. Like, he is perfect for me. She's perfect for me. Right.

Chris: 11:60
And so what you unfortunately are seeing, Lisa, in that case, I I think, is really uh unfortunately its intensity and it's intentionally over some occult potential. Right? And I mean, it's it's like, oh my gosh, this is my soulmate, blah, blah, blah. We do this all the time. And this is what our relationship is going to be like. Well, you have no background pattern by which to judge the actual you have no history to judge the pattern of the other person. You don't know. Maybe they this could easily have been their experience six months ago with somebody else. I I I just ran into someone who asked, hey, how did the marriage conference here go? You know, the couples conference. I said, It went great. And we both remembered I me telling a story of a person who came to our relationship couples conference three years in a row with three different people. Now, look, man.

Alisa: 12:58
And then he shows up at our house at a student at a student dinner and was spending a lot of time on the end of the table near our daughter. Yeah. We were like, no, no, no, no. I don't think so. Yep, we will. Casanova, move on.

Chris: 13:12
Yeah, we won't tell you which daughter, but let's just say that that person is very, in the sense, dangerous to the his future spouse, if there is one. Hopefully there is, but be multiple. Not recognizing or seeing the pattern that this guy has and believing in his potential. But if she just saw the pattern, she'd run.

Alisa: 13:42
Yeah. So, like, so what you're saying is they somebody falls in love very quickly, but they fall in love with their potential. But what we always say is you date for patterns, not for potential, because you have no guarantee that they're ever gonna live up to that potential.

Chris: 13:58
They won't live up to it because it's idealized. And it's just a conjection. It's an ideal This is who I want you to be. It's an idealized projection of that person. If you're in this, you're feeling strong euphoria. Let's just summarize real quickly. You're feeling these things about a person that you really honestly believe is a soulmate, and you're just bonded. But you honestly don't know much about them. Maybe you are you have a friend or two that knew them, but you really are then you are beginning to need to, or you're you're going to need to begin to question, wait a minute, what are we basing this relationship on?

Alisa: 14:37
Yeah, because it's it sounds like it's based more on hope than it is history with that person, because you don't know their conflict styles, you don't know how they handle process anger or handle disappointment, you don't know really know a complete picture of their emotional maturity, their values. Yes.

Chris: 14:57
Lisa, you just don't know. No, as you oftentimes say, this is built more on hope than history, more on potential than patterns. Yeah. And doing that relationship right there, that kind, you might not even met their parents. You you probably don't, yeah. So it it really is the problem uh that you're gonna face some some very tough reality when that conflict style or that anger style or those other things begin to be revealed.

Alisa: 15:26
Yeah. So uh Chris, what would you say are signs that we could give our listeners, our viewers, what are some signs that you're in a whirlwind realm?

Chris: 15:34
Well, just to summarize, right, it escalates way too quickly. It goes from zero to a hundred, where you have now found your soulmate and you feel this strong passion toward them, and so much so that you're both convinced that let's say God wants you to be married, that is the very definition or characteristic that this is probably a whirlwind role in.

Alisa: 15:57
Yeah, one thing that we always caution um people in terms of uh putting emotional boundaries in place involves this. Yeah. And it's about being very careful to not talk too early about a future together. Because where your conversation goes, that's where your heart's gonna go. And you don't want your heart to move more quickly than it should until you are able to make gather so much good information that you're able to make a wise decision. And that just comes with time and building history together.

Chris: 16:32
And on the extreme level, if you want to know about the timing, you know, we're talking this can happen after a couple of weeks. A couple of weeks. Yeah. Early months. If these things are happening after a year and a half, all right, that that's that's fine. That's the other end, right? A year, let's say. You've gone through four seasons. But when this is happening after a couple of weeks or a first month, uh, when your starts to, you know, you're dropping the I love you's immediately, right?

Alisa: 16:58
Uh-huh. I can see that we're God is calling us together. We have a future together. And I think another sign that you might be in a whirlwind romance is that you feel emotionally swept up. You feel deeply connected to this person before you actually really know him. You're in constant communication. There's really strong emotional highs. You feel like you're inseparable and we're just spending all our time together. And it's really difficult, and we're hesitant to slow that down because we're afraid if we slow down, then I might lose that person.

Chris: 17:36
Yeah, and so that's that's a sign you might be in one. One person is just fully on the gas, and you're like, well, I I guess I feel this way. And I but but there's some hesitancy that, you know, on one or the other part that hold on, it's like why is this so urgent?

Alisa: 17:55
Why do we have to figure this out today? You know, can't we just have time together? Hey, let's be real, Chris, right? We've all had moments where we thought, I wish somebody would just help me figure out this whole relationship thing.

Chris: 18:12
Yeah, and sometimes it's not even marriage, right? It just might be a roommate or a dating relationship, family or even friendships.

Alisa: 18:19
Yeah, and that's exactly why we offer free relationship advice through the Center for Marriage and Relationships.

Chris: 18:25
Yeah, it's not only free, but it's confidential, it's biblical, it's practical, and those who seek guidance early enough can often avoid huge problems later.

Alisa: 18:35
Yeah, so if you're wrestling with something big or maybe this just something small and and you don't have to do it alone.

Chris: 18:42
Yeah, I just know that you can connect with our team today, so just check the show notes for all the details.

Alisa: 18:51
And then another sign that you might be in a whirlwind romance is that you've had really limited time to observe the other person's character. You know, yeah, you just you don't know what you don't know.

Chris: 19:05
Yeah, goodly. So so let's answer this question. Uh, why is this a I don't know about common, but but but it's still out there. Why do some people are they more prone or likely to do this? Maybe I'm gonna start with the with the neurobiology, right? The neuropsych stuff. And this is that chemistry. This is what God has designed our brains to do in bonding. And we, you know, most if you ask uh college students, 99% of college women, this is a huge number, say that they want to be married within five years. That that's their desire. And 98 some percent of men say the same thing. Okay, we're designed to be connected, right? It another topic for another day, but that's our design. What enables and and and transforms relationships from friendships oftentimes is that chemistry. And I just believe that whether it's physically happening in the brain due to just thinking about it, like I love this person, or whether there's you know sexual intimacy involved right away, it's doing the same thing. You're being flooded. So I think that's one.

Alisa: 20:24
Now I think you're answering.

Chris: 20:26
Yeah, I think people and and they find that addictive, they like that feeling. I think some people are in these people they love to be in love, they love they're in love with being in love, they love being in love.

Alisa: 20:35
And who doesn't? I mean, it does feel good, and I think another reason that people will move into a whirlwind romance is because they don't like the uncertainty of the early part of a relationship. They they think a commitment will keep the relationship on track, and instead of taking time to get to know each other, we just say, Oh, you know what? We're committed to each other, and so this has got to be right. It just feels right. And they don't like, I think we we don't like the uncertainty of not putting a label on it yet. Now we talked about situationships a couple of episodes ago, and you can look that one up. Situationship where we never talk about our level of commitment or where our relationship is going. This would be on the other opposite extreme end where we talk about it way too soon.

Chris: 21:30
Yeah, and you make a commitment, and you mentioned, you know, some other things that, you know, why they someone might do this. I think another one is sometimes a myth that it it's you know, culture is hey, you'll know you're in love when you know you're in love. You'll know it. And so, you know, you see these great rom-com movies, right? Where someone makes eye contact and it's all of a sudden, oh, I know this is it.

Alisa: 21:58
You know, I'm just I've never felt Felt this way therefore. It must be love.

Chris: 22:02
Yeah. And that so that that cultural myth, but also maybe myths that you know we see, you know, in other places is you can just do this. It should be instant. The right person will be known to you. You'll know. And I think that could be messed up. Plus, it could also be your first relationship. All right. Sometimes that first relationship that's romantic is all of us. Yeah. And I'm sure there are a lot of seventh and eighth graders out there that are convinced they're going to marry that their classmate, you know, the one that can do multiplication tables very well.

Alisa: 22:31
Oh, so yeah, some 19 and 20 year olds, too.

Chris: 22:34
Yeah, that's true.

Alisa: 22:35
Yeah. So what do you think?

Chris: 22:36
What are some of the risks that people run when they're on a whirlwind run? They're pretty obvious, aren't they? Right? The obvious part is there's just no compatibility built in yet. You might be extremely compatible. Yeah, yeah. Simply have no ability to know that. A lack of compatibility is for me one of the biggest risks out there. And then another one, least maybe, is your brain chemistry will drop eventually to a normal level. We all adjust. We cannot experience emotions at a high for the rest of our lives. Our brains burn out. In fact, we call this emotional uh process or uh okay, there's a great word for it, proponent theory, which simply means it's the opposite of whatever emotion we're feeling has to kind of dive into us, dive into our emotions in order to bring the highs back to more normal.

Alisa: 23:33
There's got to be a level status, a balance.

Chris: 23:36
And that's we spaces spaces, right? That's exactly right. And so I think one of the biggest uh risks is not being prepared for when that all now, all of a sudden I made a commitment, I got engaged, we're about to get married, and I don't know if I'm making a I now no longer feel yeah.

Alisa: 23:57
Didn't you have a college roommate that got married like four months after he met?

Chris: 24:02
Oh no, his his was my college. Well, I'll just say he was somebody I knew very well. And at one point, oh no, he clearly fell into this. He he he told me one day he he had the highest standards, you know, and would date in terms of what she looked like. Yeah, it was mostly what she looked like. But eventually he found the one, and I remember this phone call. Hey Chris, I'm getting married uh in three weeks. I'd like you to come make sure you're at the wedding. I'm like, wait, I didn't know you were dating. He goes, No, I met this amazing girl at the beginning of summer. I go, wait, what? Who? And he told me the name. I happened to know the person, and I went, You and you, it's now four months. You guys got engaged? He goes, Yeah. Well, I went to the wedding. He was clearly in the middle of a whirlwind romance, and within six this by the sixth month of the after the wedding, they had separated and begun divorcing.

Alisa: 25:01
Six months. It's like you feel all that passion at the beginning, but if true emotional intimacy hasn't been established early on, then later, like what your roommate experienced, there's just the an emptiness that is there eventually if the relationship hasn't been built properly.

Chris: 25:20
Oh, I you could just now I didn't I didn't talk to him much after there wasn't a lot of time once he got married to you know barely four months later, five months later, they're you know separated. But you couldn't, you know what happened, right? And I think that's maybe the risk is that disappointment.

Alisa: 25:38
Oh, that honeymoon phase has gone.

Chris: 25:40
Yeah, right. I mean, all of a sudden he probably woke up one day and went, Wow, you stink, or you talk in your sleep, or I didn't really know what you look like without makeup or whatever. I don't know, who knows, right? Exactly. And I think that that's some of the biggest risks.

Alisa: 25:57
Yeah, I didn't know you had an anger issue. Oh, because you dated for three months and didn't never really experience uh an extreme disappointment and to see how they handle anger. And so, yeah, so that disappointment will eventually hit.

Chris: 26:13
Yeah, so let's summarize it this way intensity doesn't equal intimacy, and intensity doesn't equal stability either.

Alisa: 26:19
I like that.

Chris: 26:19
Yeah, boom. Yeah, boom sounds good. Yeah, so here, yeah. I think you know, as we as we turn to what does scripture talk about in relationship to this, it I mean, it's there's a lot of great verses and ideas, and uh, you know, the the the notion of what it means, what healthy, wise, discerning love is.

Alisa: 26:43
I love that. There's scripture from Proverbs 19, too, says it is not good to have zeal without knowledge. Yeah, so all the excitement and the passion without really knowing the person, that's not wise. That's not discerning.

Chris: 26:60
Yeah, and uh, you know, at least I think there's a song of Solomon, you know, in in Solomon's wisdom, I think something about don't don't awaken love before it's proper time.

Alisa: 27:12
Yeah, meaning it takes time. There will be a proper time, but early on probably isn't it.

Chris: 27:19
Yeah, what was that? Well, one commercial used to be about wine that we will serve nor walk nor no wine before it's time. Do you remember that?

Alisa: 27:28
Yeah, I do. I can't remember the brand, but I do that goes way back.

Chris: 27:32
Yeah, because I think scripture talks about that, uses those analogies, and they would have understood that, right?

Alisa: 27:38
Right. Proverbs 423 that says, above all else, guard your heart, because it's the wellspring of life. We it's the whole essence of your being. So guard it well. Don't be flippant with it, don't rush this. This is too important a decision to be made flippantly and on the spur of the moment.

Chris: 28:02
Yeah, and then even getting back to the analogies, you know, that Jesus used when it came to, you know, they were agrarian, most of them society, ranchers, you know, farmers, whatever. And what you know, that idea uh that Solomon used, you know, do not awaken love until the proper time is similar to you shall serve no wine before it's time. But but it's it's we're talking about putting new wine into old wineskins. I mean, in some respects, this is like saying, Oh my goodness, we have this new wine, this new love, and you're gonna try and put it into a wineskin of me that's been not properly prepared. Yeah, right.

Alisa: 28:45
And and we all think we're special, yeah, right? It will be. It doesn't work for other people, but for us it's different because we're so alike. We think alike, we enjoy the same things, we we have the same values, the same dreams that we talked about over the last 30 days. So it must be right.

Chris: 29:05
Well, at least let's do this. Um people have written in some about this on on you know, the idea of this kind of love. We we address some of these, but what let me ask you this what's what what's too fast then? When you know, we've stated a little bit what we think is too fast, but how fast is too fast, would you say?

Alisa: 29:22
Well, if only there were a formula, you know, that we could say x plus y equals z, and you'll you'll have the perfect romance. So just do it this way. But uh in terms of fast, it's too fast. I say, I think if you're saying I love you within six months, that might be too fast.

Chris: 29:41
Yeah, so I'll disagree a little bit. Yeah, just a little bit. I think you could say I love you, you know, and and it it it maybe it I would just disagree in that you could say it in different ways, or you can Yeah, I don't know. I think I we we could say I love you after four months, and but but yet without the the negative sides of that, our hearts are growing, you know, to a point where I love you. I mean, not that, you know, anyway, but nonetheless.

Alisa: 30:09
Well, you know, we were talking about how our relationship was a little bit of a whirlwind. We met in the end of April and we were engaged at Christmas. So that was pretty quickly, but I think one thing that we did that was really wise is we put a lot of really strong um emotional and physical boundaries in place, including saying I love you and uh and kissing. Yeah.

Chris: 30:34
Well, we didn't say I love you or kiss until we got engaged.

Alisa: 30:37
Well, that well, that's right, because I was wondering why you hadn't kissed me. But you told me something really important. And I think this was probably by October. So we we had been interested in corresponding and me going to Colorado, you coming to Texas, we'd been spending time together, a lot of time writing, talking on the phone. And um, and one of the things that was really important to me is that when you hadn't kissed me yet, and he said, You're probably wondering why I haven't kissed you yet. And I'm like, Yeah, me and my mom and my sister, my best friend, we're all kind of wondering. Yeah, everybody. Little boy but across the street. That you said something really profound that grabbed my attention, and you said, I've made a vow before the Lord that I'm not going that well, that you said I that the next time I kiss a girl is the day I'm able to say I love you, will you marry me? So that when you did finally say those words and you put a ring on my finger and you kissed me, I absolutely knew that you meant it, and that you weren't just telling any girl that comes along that you dated for two weeks, oh I love you, you're you know, you're different. And so there was something to the waiting in that.

Chris: 32:00
No, there was. It it it was so yeah, very important to me. In fact, I believe Beyoncé saw our relationship and wrote a song, put a ring on it. And and that was the like, all right, man.

Alisa: 32:15
All the single ladies.

Chris: 32:16
All the single ladies. Yeah.

Alisa: 32:18
There you go. So if you're in a whirlwind romance club, Chris, what if you're already in one? How do you slow it down? But what are some recommendations?

Chris: 32:27
Well, first of all, remember that you may not be in one, you know, with all of these things, when there is an equal amount of time spent growing a deeper friendship. But there's it's not wrong to feel intense about somebody, right? It's not wrong to have passion. That's that's gonna last hopefully for a little while, even into marriage and forever. But it's going to be toned down a lot, right? It's not gonna be as intense. And so, first of all, I would just say, you know, if you've been dating for six months and you've gotten to know each other and you like this person, and other people agree with you, and you put up the right guardrails, and you're probably not at a risk of being in a world run romance. You know, we're gonna limit that to those after a month who are saying all these things, right? And then so your question again was how do you slow it down? Yeah, you slow it down. That was my whole goal in telling you, look, uh I like you, I like hanging out with you. You're probably wondering why I haven't kissed you, you know, or said anything. And so that was my attempt to pump the brakes right there. And the the brakes were go like this hey, I I really, really like you, and I I could feel, you know, I guess to use the analogy, falling head over heels or feeling this intense passion. And so, therefore, in order to slow down, I am going to tell you I will not kiss you because it'll just overwhelm. I would overwhelm you. Well, you already did overwhelm me in so many ways. Good lord. I could I could list a thousand ways I was overwhelmed. Um, but but that's exactly right. So I've so one way is you put the brakes on it, you make sure and put guardrails over the physical. If you want to increase your passion and your feeling of oral wind, we'll start a physical relationship. That's what they're designed to do. So the best way to stop it is put brakes on that. You could be simple. Yes, yeah. Just because you're physically intimate does not mean that you are feeling, you know, that that that's not the exact same as being connected. That's not the same thing as intimacy.

Alisa: 34:39
It's an illusion of intimacy.

Chris: 34:40
It is. So I would say that's that's one of the best ways of slowing them down. And then to do it without hurting, you know, the other person's feelings is you need to communicate that, right?

Alisa: 34:49
I mean, that's why I say I really you said I really care about you, and I don't want to do anything to mess this up. So maybe we need to pump the brakes a little bit. I'm not saying we're breaking up at all. I really like you. Let's just slow it down. Maybe you need to spend less time together because it's really intense whirlwind romance is um it's characterized by being exclusive very quickly and spending all your time together, communicating all the time. So maybe you need to put some boundaries in place with the amount of time you're spending together, how much you're talking and testing throughout the day, and um, and just uh in prayer too.

Chris: 35:30
Invite God into that process and slow down, right, with passion and discernment. So Lisa, it's uh whirlwinds, man. They're exciting.

Alisa: 35:40
They are, and they can I we totally get it. It can be so fun, that feeling of being in love.

Chris: 35:47
But love is not built, epic love is not just built on a P and a C. It needs emotional intimacy, right? Yeah, if you want epic love, you're gonna have not just passion, not just commitment, but you're gonna have an emotional intimacy and a friendship.

Alisa: 36:02
So you're gonna have shared values, you're gonna have emotional uh safety, not just emotional excitement.

Chris: 36:11
And that's built through time. So here's our encouragement. It's built through time, it's built through not just you know this idea of hope, right? It is built upon really getting to know the other person at a deeper level. Patience, patience, intentionality, yep, right?

Alisa: 36:30
It's grounded and a lot of wisdom.

Chris: 36:34
And when they grow together, man, love is also it's intense, but it's also lasting, right?

Alisa: 36:40
Yeah, and that's what we all want.

Chris: 36:42
That's what we all want. All right. Well, at least if I didn't talk about this idea of whirlwind romances, it's not Does this wrap up our series? It wraps up our series on love. So if you want, we'll put some links in there. If you want some more information about what is epic love, you're right, this consummate love that we talk about. Uh, we'll put some links in there.

Alisa: 37:01
Yeah, so we'd love to invite you to give us a five-star rating. Share this episode with your friends or someone that you know needs to hear about this.

Chris: 37:10
Five-star rating, hit that Venmo button and just uh open that app and send the money.

Alisa: 37:17
Oh, we really appreciate you though, because we know you can be anywhere doing anything. And so take us along in the car, share us with a friend. We're glad you spent some time with us today. We're Chris and Elisa Grace from the Art of Relationships. We'll see you next time. Yep.

Chris: 37:32
See you guys.

Mandy: 37:34
We're very glad you joined us for today's podcast. For more resources on marriage and healthy relationships, please visit our website at cmr.biola.edu. We'll see you next time on the art of relationships.