"Why Hasn't He Asked Me Out?"

Dear CMR,

I've been getting to know a guy for the last few months and I have done my best to show him I am interested in dating. Why hasn't he asked me out yet? Am I doing something wrong?

Signed,

Interested In Him

Dear Interested,

That is a great question. Though I can’t speak from a male’s perspective…I have spoken to a number of males in my research and gotten a lot of feedback.  Let me fill you in a little on what some of them might be thinking, and answer your nagging question of “why is he taking so long to ask me out!”

1.  He doesn’t know you’re interested:  

Ladies here’s the thing about us- we think we can read everyone’s mind. But believe it or not, that super-hero power doesn’t exist…and it especially doesn’t exist when it comes to the men in our lives. The bottom line is that men don’t know what you’re thinking. I’ve heard from numerous young men who would love to take the next step in a relationship but they feel like they are getting absolutely no “vibes” of interest from the girl they’re interested in.

If he hasn’t pursued you yet, maybe it’s time to show a little more interest. Don’t be afraid to say hello, start up a conversation, or make some plans. You are just as capable of furthering your friendship with this guy than with anyone of your friends. So go ahead and show a little love (and by a little, I mean a little. We ladies have the tendency to go all out), and then step back and see what happens.

2.  He’s just not that into you:  

So you went ahead and showed a little love, and still, nothing.  It’s time to consider the possibility that maybe he’s just not that into you.  I know a lot of women have the tendency to jump to this conclusion immediately, and start getting down on themselves wondering: Am I good enough?  Am I pretty enough?  Is there something wrong with me?

Here’s my conclusion with this whole thing.  Maybe it has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with him.  If he’s not that into you…then he’s not for you.  I always remind my single friends that at the end of the day, you want to be with someone who is just as crazy about you as you are about them.  Don’t force the fit with a man who doesn’t appreciate you just where you are. You are worth far more than that. Maybe it’s time to consider moving on. There are plenty of fish in the sea. Wait for someone who views you as a catch worth finding,

3.  He’s afraid:  

Believe it or not girls, some of these eligible bachelors are just as insecure and unsure as you are. Afraid of rejection, of heartbreak, and of failure- it takes a lot of courage and confidence to go ahead and make a move, and some men aren’t there yet.

If you are worried your secret interest might be fearful, the best thing you can do for him is to pray. Ask God to give him strength and courage, pray for his heart, soul, mind and strength. There’s nothing you can do to erase his fears besides prayer, because ultimately, fears are something that must be healed from within. This is God’s thing if you know what I mean.

4.  He’s working through his own issues: 

I think the biggest favor we can do for ourselves as women is to stop blaming his lack of pursuit on ourselves.  If he’s not asking you out, there is a good chance it has so much more to do with him, and so very little to do with you.  Many of the guys I’ve spoken to explained that their failure of pursuing a girl is a reflection of the fact that they are still getting their “stuff” together.  Figuring out his career, finding a good job, moving out from under his parent’s roof, dealing with past hurts, or getting right with God are just some of the things I’ve heard from men who are working out some things in their lives.

I applaud those men because at the end of the day a healthy relationship begins with two people who have done some good solid work on themselves.  Those who are willing to put the work in up front will have so much less work to do when they are united with another in holy matrimony.  If he’s not ready to pursue you now then there’s a good chance it’s better he didn’t!

Take that as a sign and instead of waiting around obsessing over his next move, use your time to reflect on your personal journey.  What areas of your life need some focus?  Some healing?  Some work?  What goals should you be working toward? Take some time to do some of this work in your own life. Because healthy people will always make more healthy relationships.  

5.  He doesn’t think the timing is right: 

Sometimes timing can be a matter of perspective. I remember the months of developing a friendship with my husband, wondering when would be the right time to take the next step and start dating. Looking back, his idea of the right time, and my idea of the right time were totally different.

But in reflecting at my story I also know this: God’s timing for our relationship was so outrageously right. There were so many things that could have gone wrong had the timing been anything other than what it was. I think what it comes down to is that the only One who really knows what good timing means, is the inventor of time Himself. Seek to connect with God, to know His heart, and ask Him to lead both you and your certain interest to just the right time in just the right way. God is good and opening the doors for things that are right, and closing them hard for things that are not.

Above all else single ladies, more than trusting a man to do the right thing at the right time…trust God to lead and guide your life and the life of your future spouse in exactly the way that He sees best. After all, he is the Master Matchmaker. He can surely be trusted.