When I was younger, I was intent on being as smart and interesting as possible, hoping others would like me. When I took calculus early in high school, I made sure everyone knew how unique and special I was. When I excelled in sports, I wanted the world to know about it—especially when I drove in the winning run in the bottom of the ninth inning to clinch a playoff spot.

It took years of building relationships before I finally realized a profound truth: I made more genuine and intimate friendships when I chose to be interested, rather than trying to be interesting. It took a lot of time to move from a mindset of "look at me" to "that sounds so cool, tell me more."

From Being Interesting to Being Interested in Marriage

When we got married, I found similar struggles awaiting me. During times of conflict, I felt a desperate need for my wife to see and hear the “real” me—to understand that I am not as selfish as I may appear. After all, I am deeper than that, and much more interesting! But I am not alone in this feeling; she wants the exact same validation for herself.

Just last week, the beautiful wife and I argued over who was the messier one and who was being more selfish. It started as a small misunderstanding, but it quickly grew to a point where both of us felt unheard and unvalued. In her case, she felt overly criticized by me. We both brought seemingly good arguments to the table to prove we were in the right: I pointed out how rarely I leave dishes out, and she pointed out other household “contributions.”

Pause, Pray, Then Proceed

When either one of us feels unheard or unvalued, we try to de-escalate the situation by taking a short pause. My wife loves to use a simple motto: Pause, pray, then proceed. When she pauses, she asks God to search her heart, relying on passages like Psalm 139:23-24: “Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.” Praying through Scripture and relying on the Holy Spirit softens our hearts and quickly brings us back to a right perspective.

Assume the Best and Communicate with Care

Even so, I still fall too easily into assuming the worst instead of assuming the best. I catch myself thinking, “She only wants to make things easier on herself and isn't thinking of my needs.” (Yikes—just writing that makes me realize how deceitful my heart can be!) To combat this, I have found it incredibly helpful to practice using "I statements" to express my feelings safely. For example, instead of accusing her, I try to say, “I feel disconnected when we don't coordinate our schedules,” or “I feel unappreciated when my help around the house goes unnoticed.”

In my conversations with couples all over the world, I have learned that while everyone desperately wants to be understood, very few actively choose to understand. Asking a simple question like, "Tell me more about why that bothered you?" goes a long way toward unlocking your spouse's heart.

Choosing Self-Sacrifice Over Winning

True recovery and reconnection happen when we learn what self-sacrifice really looks like. Like most people, my default desire is to be served. Yet, true fulfillment and intimacy only come when I seek to serve my spouse instead. Philippians 2:3 ("count others more significant than yourselves") and James 1:19 ("be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry") serve as perfect foundational guides for this journey.

Remember, the ultimate goal of a Christian marriage is not to "win" arguments. The goal is to build unity and display Christ-like love through humility, understanding, and self-assessment. We will all thrive in times of conflict if we make it our primary goal to understand our spouse's heart, rather than demanding they understand ours first. That is how both partners end up feeling heard, valued, and deeply cared for.

Key Takeaways

• Be interested, not just interesting. Focus on learning your spouse's heart rather than proving your worth. (Philippians 2:3)
• Seek to understand, not just to be understood. Ask open-ended questions during a disagreement. (James 1:19)
• Assume the best, not the worst. Guard your mind against negative assumptions about your spouse's motives.
• Pause, pray, and then proceed. Use intentional breaks to let Psalm 139:23-24 anchor your emotions.
• Use "I statements." Express your own feelings and vulnerabilities without shifting blame.

For more practical formatting, insights, and relationship tools, check out the resources on healthy conflict at cmr.biola.edu.